August 18, 2018

Dear Nigerians, are you still looking for change? – Viola Okolie

Dear Nigerians, are you still looking for change? – Viola Okolie

On Friday the 23rd of February 2018, Australia’s Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce announced his resignation from office.

Wetin dey pursue am?

For months, stories had been circulating about his purported relationship with a 33-year-old female staff of his. He furiously denied the allegations, rubbishing them as opposition sensationalism until eventually, gripped by conscience, he rescinded his position that the media should not pry into the private lives of politicians, called a press conference, and resigned.

If you talk say na “buusu” pursue am, comot for office, na you sabbe.

All we know, he was caught in flagrante delicto – figuratively speaking – and he took the step every honorable, self-respecting, leader of thought who held a position of authority and therefore understood the need for the highest levels of integrity in order to enshrine the trust of the electorates, should do.

He resigned.

And you Nigerian, you say you want change?

February 2016, Japan.

A fiery and progressive lawmaker who broke tradition by filing paternity leave and was vocal in his advocacy for paternal rights and spousal support for women who had given birth, was forced to eat humble pie and beat a hasty retreat back to the dank dungeons of his conscience.

Wetin happen? Who dey pursue am?

Well, it turns out that while Kensuke Miyazake was breathing fire in favour of being a loving and supporting husband to his wife in public; he was actually breathing fire down some other inamorata’s buusu in private.

The banana peel of fire breathing legislators all over the world – the extra marital affair.

Tsk tsk!

Anyways, let us not be distracted by the vision of him breathing down another woman’s buusu biko, let us stick to the story line – outed, Miyazake apologized to the general public, especially since his duplicity would harm the genuine cause he was advocating for, and did the next honorable thing (If you read “Japan” and had images of him falling upon his own sword… oops, wrong imagery. That should be for the Romans. Well, if you had images of some honorable hara-kiri sontin sontin, you are not too far off the mark), he committed political hara-kiri and resigned from his position.

And you Nigerian, you say you want change?

Chere ka m bia!

 

On the eve of the British Conservative Party’s national conference in 2014 ahead of the next year’s election, Minister for Civil Society, Brooks Newmark sensationally resigned from office.

Na wetin dey pursue am?

Well, it turned out that while in public, Brooks Newmark was an upstanding member of society with oodles and oodles of integrity, too much integrity that he had to borrow his country some through his act of service; he was a closet inboxjahideen.

Azin, “do you want to see my cucumber, I have big cucumber”, in your social media DM.

So, he slid (sideways) into someone’s inbox, and sent the person a picture of his cucumber. Shockingly (for him though, I am sure ogbologbo like you and I aren’t shocked one bit) the luscious inamorata he had sent a picture of his cucumber hoping she would scratch his back by sending him a picture of her buusu, turned out to also have a cucumber like him.

An angry cucumber.

Probably a slimy, opposition party-based cucumber sef, who knows?

Long story short, Brooks resigned, leaving a shocked David Cameron scratching the hairs on his head, armpit and blokkos in bewilderment; after issuing a public apology to everyone he had disappointed and shocked by his acts of indiscretion.

And you Nigerian, you say you want change?

Do they all resign in the sane world though?

No. While not all of them resign, here is what serious people who know they are in power not to cavort around and perform shenanigans at tax payers’ expense do.

Governor Eric Greitens of Missouri (R), had been accused of infidelity and adultery. His fellow republican lawmakers closed their eyes to partisan affiliations and demanded his resignation. In the midst of the pressure to resign, Gov. Eric chose to take to the press and issue a public apology for his miscafoning. He pleaded to his electorate to forgive him the temporary “eyes off the ball” and chasing around the buusu he had indulged in and allow him continue to steer the state forward.

Public apology?!?! Hmmmmm.

Inukwa? These guys probably wrote the democracy and public service handbook, and then tore out the integrity part of it before shipping down the volumes intended for Nigerian legislooters.

I am willing to wager a bet that this is not the end of it though, I will bet my salary for the next decade that public pressure and opinion will force him to step down and let someone else who knows to focus on the task at hand, take charge.

And you Nigerian, you say you want change?

***********************************

Permit me please to profile two of your current senators (who because I don’t have money to go to court and go and talk wetin pass me, shall remain largely unnamed).

  1. Named after a well-beloved dog in the Flintstones cartoon, this one is a serial wife beater – his wife had filed several complaints against him, showcasing gory pictures of her heavily cut up and knocked around self; serial philanderer; husband to none (at the moment), but baby daddy to many; prior to public service he had an inexplicable source of wealth, flaunts his multi-million naira cars in your faces; gets into stupid fights where his clothes are literally torn off his body; and recently redefined the word “bridge” when he infamously rebaptized a gutter built in one of the rural areas in his constituency in order to justify his huge constituency allowances.

This one claims to be “fighting for the masses” when he is simply embroiled in an ego tussle with his state governor.

But he is your god.

You Nigerian, don’t want any better.

You should not be asking for an angel to lead you – after all you did not vote from heaven – but the least you should require is some modicum of integrity and a small iota of shame from anyone serving you, but no.

He is your beacon of hope.

Him. While he tucks his Johnny Bravo frame in eye blinding colors, this patron saint of tetracycline capsules, is your “Amazon” of change.

And you Nigerian, you say you want change?

  1. Round like me, this one has one “kele kele” name like that.

Sometime ahead of the elections in 2017, a video surfaced of this man who is supposedly married cavorting around with a woman whom the opposition claim is his girlfriend, but he says is his daughter – onye ka anyi ga ajukwa nu (who do we ask?) – surfaced and began to rapidly spread across the social media.

Initially, we all were like “okay, dude’s got moves though. E no easy to weigh all that much and still wind your waist like, kimon!”; until dude began to take all of us for some sort of foolish specimens of humanity.

Invite him to your baby shower, he comes in rolling his huge tummy around. Invite him to your daddy’s funeral, he comes in quivering like watery agidi that has refused to set and be eaten. Invite him to Dangote’s daughter’s wedding to which Bill Gates who had already dangerously shaded our country was invited, and he comes in hopping like an inebriated frog, and shaking his rotund buttocks in our faces.

Seriously, tori don full Bill Gates mouth. Small wonder he followed up his shade with that terrible burn on CNN.

Mumu president. Insensitive big men. Profligate spending while millions are dying of hunger, and a senator that cannot even shame for his allegedly adult children and calm the eff down in public.

And then when you ask this dancing senator what he has done (or plans to do) for his constituency, hear him: “I have been understudying what is going on in the senate, and I love it.”.

There you go, Nigerians, behold your legislators. You say you want change?

Ngwa wait, let me stop the conductor of this bus and ask him if he has any change for you. Because if this breed of lawmakers are the ones you are relying on for change of any sort whatsoever, then your road is still far.

Your way is many.

Whatever it is you are seeking for, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but e go hard you small before you find am.

Selah!

photo credit

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