The women decorate it, spice it up and give it to the men on a platter of their dignity.
A man can do whatever he wants and get away with it.
The woman that does it with him will be vilified.
I once read something written by a side chick (mistress, gehfriend of a married man… whatever you may call it).
She audaciously owned her side. She was proud of it. She claimed that she was not interested in anything more than the snacks they ate hidden away from everyone.
“I don’t want marriage. I don’t want him to leave his wife. I don’t even need his money and it is not particularly sex. I need company from time to time.”
And the interesting thing was that a lot of women were supportive.
“Yasss! Do you babe.”
Some even went further trying to justify such relationships.
“White people brought this monogamy thing. Our ancestors married many wives and they lived together accepting it. In fact, my mother knew of my father’s mistress. It was not a big deal. Polygamy is not strange to us.”
So Polygamy is ‘African’ and Nigerian and part of our culture.
‘Culture’ is the stupidest reason to do anything and it is mostly brought up to explain things that we can no longer justify but cling to because it is the alibi for our bad behaviours.
Your grandfather had 10 wives. So you will agree to be kept in another part of town in a house cooking and shaving your ‘kini ko’ to accommodate a man that you cannot call within certain hours. You are the woman that he sneaks around with and abandons to go and be with his legitimate family.
Your grandfather probably had vast farmland. So he created a community to assist so that they could all subsist together. But your man is mid-level management staff in a community bank and if he pulls at the weeds in between the interlocking tiles of the compound he stays in, his palm will tear open.
And it is not even technically polygamy.
YOU ARE NOT A WIFE.
So like I was saying, yup, it is a man’s world.
He has his official wife at home. She organises his life by doing his cooking, caring for the kids, arranging for laundry to be done and if he so wishes she will keep her warmth saturated and willing for his pleasure.
And because man shall not live by ‘Abula’ alone, he finds other dalliances easily to keep himself entertained. It is his benefit package. His entitlement.
A woman to spend a quiet evening away from the kids with.
Another one who loves to club…madam is too busy praying ODM prayers to save his ass.
Another one who can give mind blowing head and even SWALLOWS. Madam will not speak to him for months if he dare cums in her mouth.
And so on.
The women carve out their niches. Allowing this ‘king’ oscillate like the pendulum in a grandfather’s clock.
And women who are the first to shout ‘Independent woman’ will enable men and become willing accomplices in bad behaviour.
It is a man’s world.
Tuface after flinging his ‘seed’ far and wide had a loyal Anne waiting for him.
Davido has had two kids in the last few years and all along there was a Chioma waiting for him.
Whizkid has what? 3kids and is still flexing around.
Miracle knacked Nina all over BBNaija house and won the competition.
All these men are well admired. Reputations intact.
And if they decided to still have fun around, there are lots of women that are willing to take whatever they have to offer even if the title is
Men are very good at going after what they want. Women are very good at downsizing their dreams and expectations to be what men want.
The overall result?
Badly behaved and entitled men.
I know this will upset women. They will claim they opted out for those titles wilfully.
I am not saying every woman wants marriage but I know that most women did not dream about a loving triangular relationship in which they get to have a baby while the other woman gets a song, a restaurant, a Porsche and a music video and wait there is more…endorsement deal offers. You love your baby of course, I love mine too. But Chioma can always have a baby to add to all she has.
You could not have wanted to be the woman that is like the surrogate that gave birth and gets to take care of the baby while the man is free to very publicly pursue other relationships.
Now I am not saying Chioma is lucky. Both you and she are a problem.
I wish we demanded more from men. I wish we didn’t have to throw away the hope for the whole cake to lick the crumbs offered.
I wish men had to bring their A game every single time.
If we as women demand better, men will be forced to be better.
Rather we will be tugging at different ends of one small agege bread and being satisfied that we each have a piece.
It is a man’s world.
We give it to them every day.