July 23, 2018

20 types of people you will find on facebook – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

20 types of people you will find on facebook – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

I clocked six years on Facebook about 2 months ago. I am by no means an expert but consider this a rough guide to the kinds of people you find on FB. If nothing fits you exactly then you may be suffering from multiple personality disorder:

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  1. Facebook Preachers: Do you know anyone on your timeline that has become resident pastor? I am not speaking of actual Pastors that own churches. These are lay preachers. From the one that gives you daily devotionals (no need for Daily Bread or Rhapsody) to the one that drops ‘revs’ as they come. They hardly ever venture into any other topic. They keep us fed or guilty.
  2. The Meme Kings and Queens: I tag all the funny guys under this one. They provide us with the Memes, videos and funny stories. Where they get them from, we do not know or care, let them just keep coming.
  3. The Motivational Speakers: They are usually just a step away from the FB preachers. They give us the Myles Munroe, Joyce Meyer, Zig Ziglar quotes that broadly focus on success. They tell you that you can become the wife of president even if your ‘career’ started with leaked sex tapes (I am going extreme here). These things make lovely reading but you kind of wonder if they are speaking to you or themselves. You are not sure any of it has moved them an inch further.
  4. The ‘Ranters’: They have a heightened sense of justice and are outraged at everything and everyone. Please crucify me not but they are mostly women. Sometimes it is a personal rage stemming from something that happened to them or they borrow the rage. Me thinks they go round the internet looking for things to feed their need for anger. I like them… in small doses.
  5. The Sports People: I have to say upfront that they are my least favourite people. I do not know anything about any sport and because of that I feel absolutely nothing about Arsenal winning and Serena losing. If I didn’t have the sports people I would not even know what a ‘Serena’ is. Unless it is non-specific, I don’t even get sport memes. But my dear friend Aina, I love those pictures of handsome men in jerseys. That is the major reason why I run to your page. Fit Fam, I put you guys here. I got a pedometer so I am trying to be like you guys.
  6. The Political Commentators: They are in categories. From the local government level to international politics, walahi my newsfeed is complete. I enjoyed the run up to and aftermath of the last elections as the stories real or imagined kept flying in. These people are rarely non-partisan even if they claim to be. I am more comfortable with the ones that are clearly skewed and unafraid to be so. One thing I particularly enjoy is when they select news to comment on. If the headline takes a dump on the opposition, they will share it. If it doesn’t they will pretend it doesn’t exist. There are few that also dabble into UK and US politics. Gaskiya, I could not give a rats ‘duwawu’ about Jeremy Corbyn…. But it still is nice to know that the information is there whenever I decide to care.
  7. The ‘Say Amen’ people: With all the sharing and saying amen, I should have at least one trillionaire in my friends list but I know that I don’t. How a pic-mix of a sick baby and Jesus will bring blessings our way, I cannot connect. But the day it works, let me know, abeg. Hustle don dey tire me.
  8. Generation Selfie: A selfie once in a while never hurt anyone. But uploading 20 selfies of the same face at the same angle with the same pouted lips and clothes in different filters is just so… 16yrs old.
  9. Vacay People: They only exist during vacations that are spent out of the country. If they are going to Ebonyi, they will go and come back quietly. If they are under the Eiffel Tower, you must know. I have nothing against them, in fact, my ambition in life is to be part of them.
  10. The Happily Married Family: Hubby said this, wifey cooked that, little Johnny did heart surgery at just 14months, thanking God for 1 week anniversary… it never ends. Ehmm, I am parrof them. They will disturb everyone with the whole family wearing Ankara in studio 24. (One little secret, don’t be taken in by it. The dirty fights are hidden where facebook cannot find them).
  11. The Ghosts: I don’t care who you are, unless you weed regularly, you are sure to have them. They NEVER show their presence on FB but do not be deceived, they are always there. Birthdays, Obituaries, Anniversaries… nothing can persuade them to come out. In fact, I stumbled on someone I had never seen on FB. She made reference to a post a certain friend made just after saying in haughty manner “I don’t do FB”. And I am sure she will read this…
  12. The Honourable MRS: Do you know how to get and keep a husband? Do you know how to pray side-chicks away? Do you know the recipes that are sure to endear you to the MR? Do know the secret thing the woman outside does to entice men? Look no further, they will supply you with all the go to groups and they throw in pregnancy and children advice for free. The curious thing is I have never come across “The Honourable MR” group.
  13. The ‘Links’ People: You go read blogs tire! You will learn of how a group of naked people are biking somewhere to how to make the perfect Moi Moi from them. There are those that give long intros to the links, there are those who quote the links and there are those who don’t say a word.
  14. The ‘Diary’ People: Please be patient with them. I know there are a million times when you think “Do I really need to know what colour your poop was at 2.45pm today?” but you could learn from them. They live on facebook. You know exactly when they travel, from the entering a cab to airport to destination, they will keep you updated. What they eat and wear, you will also know. They also rant in between. But they are still quite clever, they will never post their bank statements or tell you if they just finished having sex…
  15. Market People: Just two words, THEY SELL.
  16. The Newbies: When someone first discovers FB, you can always tell. They are extra nice, they comment on everything, like everything and argue vehemently with people they do not know. It doesn’t take long, eventually the euphoria ends and they are just like the rest of us part-time stalking, part-time ghosting, part-time posting.
  17. The Celebrities: They made their mark on FB, their 5000 friendship limit don reach. They are famous for being “Social Media Commentators”. Everything new or trending, you will find out from them and they usually have something very strong to say. They eventually cross over to social media ‘Experts’. I fully envy them. The smart ones are able to eat from this their hustle. One day, I will be with them and I will threaten to unfriend, block and report anyone who wants to take a dump on my huzzle.
  18. The Very Private People (VPP): They are like the ghosts only they are worse. They will hardly post anything, use flower pics as DP and you cannot write on their wall. I am always tempted to unfriend them. They make me feel like a court jester; born to entertain them. I no blame dem, who send me?
  19. The Ruonas: Permit me to say, but some people are just interesting. Whether it is just 2 lines they post, they will get a reaction from you. The videos that only God knows where they get them from, eg Chris Crocker was introduced to me by Ruona. They will enter your news feed and you are hooked. I don’t play with this group, lai lai.
  20. Finally, The Writers: All the world is a stage but this people want all the attention and are always clamouring for the spot light. The smaller they are, the more they will disturb you. Please do not tell them you only read the first 2 lines of their stories (was told that, devastating!). They feed on the likes, shares and comments. But take it easy on that. Many of us have felt like the Chika Unigwes, Chimmandas, Lola Shoneyins till we were actually cut to size after meeting anyone of them. Take it easy abeg, don’t make us resign from Ayoola & Sons ltd because we think we can string two lines together and YOU told us we could make a living from it. Many a writer has been ground into oblivion by the pestle of your praise. The more made writers (if you have won anything or published) are usually such snobs and remain in their close knit circle. The rest of us in the fringe only admire and go wild in delirious excitement when we get a pat on the head from them. The really really made ones have shadowy presences.

facebook onSo there you have it. I cut across a lot of the categories. So I no dey scold anybody. Needless to say, I spend way too much time on Facebook… I should get a life.



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  1. Boy

    Nice write up! Keep it up! Wonder ‘tho where the topless riders story was gotten from in the #13 type? Cheers! The happening……..


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