So! Nigeria might not be the tall, dark, hot and handsome dude of our dreams, but he sure has a cute name and sweet little hungry eyes with hands ready to drink petrol, and a cackle that will make you forget all about that smell coming from wet diapers.
54 and about to crawl with its buttocks, here are 26 ways to tell what a Nigerian is…
If you give the Nigerian 11 hours of electricity, it would be as confusing as 11 women vying for his attention; he wouldn’t know the first thing to do. Should I have sex with all 11 of them or should I watch them have sex with themselves? Light is a porous deal; there’s always an undertone to such generosity (hint: election is on the way!). He is not used to such waste of power, he wonders why he should have light when he doesn’t need it and feels guilty not doing anything about it. So instead of a nap, he is going to watch TV, make good use of the light, until his eyes turn red.
The Nigerian is a healthy church-goer and believes one hour of prayer is enough to cure anything- from poverty to disease.
The Nigerian wants four children- three boys and one girl
The Nigerian loves parties. Weddings are a must, beer is a good friend, loud live music is the icing
The Nigerian is a die-hard football fan.
The Nigerian has witnessed a thief stripped naked and beaten to half-dead more than once
The Nigerian has witnessed police N20 bribery more than 54 times
He learns new vocabulary on the street- when a danfo hits a Range Rover.
The word “hardship” has been used over 54,000 times before he clocks 10
“Up NEPA” is something the Nigerian understands even whilst chilling in his mother’s womb
The Nigerian is aggressive to the poor, subservient to the rich
The Nigerian laughter comes straight from the pit of his groin- a loud and cheery grunt.
The Nigerian trusts a foreign accent, but is suspicious of all 360 accents from the different tribes in his country
The Nigerian is in traffic 255 days out of 365 days a year
The Nigerian is rich, in Jesus’ name.
Imbecility is a thing for comedy shows and not a medical problem.
The Nigerian will go to hell and rebuke anyone who commits suicide. Nigeria is already hell, why are you so in a hurry to experience anything hotter?
The Nigerian loves “ass songs” and “dollar songs”
The Nigerian always pays premium for crappy services.
The Nigerian grows another layer of epidermis for when his green passport sits on the table anywhere in the world.
Corruption is only corruption when it is committed by office holders
We are of the opinion that politicians are of a different species than the rest of us even though we bribe teachers during our children’s exams and ship in adulterated drugs for mass consumption.
The Nigerian will argue a point until the moon crumbles like a piece of paper and falls from the sky
The Nigerian will waste half of his 20s waiting through a tertiary education
He has three fancy phones and N100 recharge card in every one of them.
The Nigerian spent Oct 1 drinking beer and analysing the president’s speech.
The Nigerian is proud to be Nigerian, except when he is not.
PS: This was written on Wednesday October 1 on my bed, laptop on my lap. I could have sworn it was Tuesday! I am rushing through, my fingers tapping furiously before my battery runs out. Ah! Nepa! Power is back, so what do I do? Make a sandwich, watch some TV, inhale the wet smell of rain, and close my windows firmly so the empty happiness of neighbours does not deceive me to think today is any better than yesterday.
Nonetheless it is a new day.
Happy belated Independence Day!
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