Dear ex-President Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, wahala dey o.
Where do I start?
Okay, my daughter is at that stage in life where she has found her muse. This muse is a tousle-haired little orphan girl of about her age, who wears painted jeans and whose mouth is on auto response.
Her name is Annie.
Ever since my daughter saw Annie – The Musical for the first time, it has been on constant repeat in this house, threatening to throw everyone not within the age range of 9 to 11 permanently off the edge into sweet insanity.
Every second of every day: ???the sun will come out, tomorrowwww ???. Ayyam tayyad jare, if the sun like make e shine, make e no shine. Haba!
Anyway, I also decided to pick today to make Christmas jollof as a break from tradition. I brought the chicken out of the fridge, seasoned and left it to marinate then proceeded to parboil the rice.
I took pictures of the marinated chicken, my intention was to put up before and after pictures and feel like a chef. You know, like Executive Mama Put – Nky Iweka or Nigerian Lazy Chef – Chidinma Okpara with all the fancy processes and whatnots.
Next thing I heard: ???the sun will come out tomorrow???. Before I knew what was happening, I had fried chicken, poured it into stew and had jollof rice bubbling away on the stove; the thing be like jazz.
Because of Jonathan!
See, I am not just playing a #LetsBlameJonathan like Alhaji Lai Lai Mohammed, this is a serious sontin for me. I need to take pictures of my food while cooking it, because this is what this generation is all about. Who knows if a potential husband material is out there watching my Facebook timeline? How will he know that I am a full six yards (sometimes less one quarter yard) of wife material, if I cannot put up step by step pictures of myself cooking aesthetically perfect (but gastronomically disastrous) dishes?
Ees eet gud laik dat?
So, I resolve to put up pictures of the jollof rice and chicken after plating and before eating. While I waited, I went out and joined my daughter in oohing, aahing and dancing to some more Annie.
Suddenly, my smoke alarm (read: nostrils) went off. My darling jollof rice was burnt. Almost half of the pot, gone!
Jona, why? Mbaka, why?
Ees not gud o!
Instead of you to concentrate on your international assignments and focus on looking smart, intelligent and uber dashing, *swoons*, you are here burning a desperate housewife’s pot of jollof and causing her to miss out on taking chef snob pictures for the internet?
Why are you like this?
And apparently, it is not just in my house you have been causing mischief.
My neighbour to the right has not been able to find a job and can therefore not afford to buy even chicken for his Christmas – guess who’s to blame?
Iya Risi went to the market today and mistakenly stepped on Mama Iyabo’s slippers. The slippers cut.
Mama Iyabo slapped Iya Risi. Iya Risi returned fire. They fought. They tore each other’s clothes off their bodies and went home in their underwear – guess whose fault it is? – Oga Jona.
Maruf bought expired Igbo from Mojeed and is now roaming the streets in tattered clothes, “ringing his bell” gallantly to the amusement of the entire universe – you better believe you-know-who is involved.
Let me simplify it from here on:
Watery soup – Ebele knows why
Extremely hard number 2 – Goodluck
Fall down the stairs – Jona
Flat tyre – Otuoke man
Condom malfunction – Di Peshe
High heel breaks – Mai gidan mama Peace
Global warming – Bowler hatted zoologist
Turkey shoots down Russian plane – Goodluck is involved
Buratai mows down protesting Shi’ites, follow them to their homes, hack down women and children in cold blood – The smiling ex President is clueless.
El Rufai flip flops on major issues – Blame it on Jona.
IPOB youth celebrating the in-principle release of their director are shot down like dogs – you know who to blame don’t you?
There is no President in Aso Rock, there is no one to take responsibility for the drifting affairs of this Nation. The buck (ball, bork, buck – depending on your level of retardese) has rolled and rolled and is now begging around for any table at all to rest on – this President’s body odour is not buck friendly at all!
Blame Emefiele, blame Zahra. Blame Goodluck, blame Diezani. Blame Soludo, blame Viola.
Whatever you do, do not ask this President any questions, he has not yet assumed office. Direct all your enquiries to the last occupant biko.
Wait o, *sniffs the air* my smoke alarm is going off again. Chisos, the semovita I was making for dinner is almost totally incinerated.
Jonathan, Jonathan, Jonathan…
How many times have I called your name now? Please face your global engagements and leave this go-slow, rudderless, propaganda-fuelled, 9month-old-with-nothing-to-show, administration alone.