October 20, 2018

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I don’t like men in skinny jeans – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

I don’t like men in skinny jeans – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

 

I do not like men in skinny jeans.

But ‘duh’ they are obviously not wearing them for me and their young girls do not seem to mind.

What am I talking about? First, let me tell you what happened to me.

It must have happened overnight.

Because before I slept I was young and now I am old.

The takeover was gradual. So why does it feel like it was sudden?

Yesterday, we were the ‘Yoots’, the fresh ones, the edgy ones, the misunderstood ones.

Today we are dated. We don’t get it. Our time has become “those days”, old school.

 

 

skinny jeans

It’s ok sha. I accept it. I revel in it. And most importantly, I am not alone in it. So we form our cliques and bands and reminisce about “those days”.

This is not about growing older and how we can see sitting down what the young men can’t see standing on trees (though there is a good explanation why they cannot see, they are too busy ‘pressing phone’.)

This is actually a not very good prelude to talk about skinny shokotos that young men wear.

See ehn, when men were men, they all wore baggy FERTILE trousers.

I see a slight confusion as your brows draw together squinting over your iPhone. What has fertility got to do with it?

AH! You don’t know? Well, it figures. If you did, you would make sure your crown jewels have more air instead of suffocating them in the name of that Will Smith’s son.

If you know and still wear these minuscule sub-trousers then I will put it down to ‘not caring’. After all, the only use required of the little ‘yous’ swimming in the crammed sacs is to be flushed down a toilet in a tissue paper or tied up in a black ‘nylon’ bag in the bottom of the trash can.

The day you will be required to use those suckers and issues are coming up, nobody will tell you that a man’s genital area needs cooler less stifling space. No one will tell you because you will show us that you know by wearing ‘Jalabias’ even to board room meetings.

But lets look at those skinny jeans again.

I am puzzled. How can the girls keep a straight face while looking at them? How do they jump gutters? Are they disposable? I ask this because how do they take them off without scissors? What happens to farts that come out and have nowhere to go? Do they marinate and wait for a bathroom break or do they get absorbed back into the body? Why do some men feel the need to still fold the sub -rousers at the ankles?

And can I digress a lirrle bit to talk about the men themselves. Standing in bathrooms all over the world hogging mirrors to take pictures of themselves with tongues out. Biko, how is this not ridiculous? How will a man put up a picture of himself, holding his jaw, squinting and licking his lips? #slayingslayerslayest! Hian and you want us to take you seriously?

I was relieved while I was watching Weekend Updates on Saturday Night Live and Leslie Jones complained about these hairless (apparently, men wax too.) boys crammed into tight jeans, texting with emojis and using the word “YAY!” which she said, unless a man is on a roller coaster and texting, no man should use the word ‘Yay’. I was relieved because I am more than a bit baffled with how men are these days and it is nice to see I am not the only one.

Some of these skinny shokoto wearing men actually shape their eyebrows and use hand creams, face creams and night creams. They not only wear floral tops but they smell like tulips as well. I won’t even talk about those that bleach… (Barfs)

My prelude suddenly made sense to me. I intuitively wanted to talk about the old days. When men were men.

Real men had moustaches (even when they had beards, it was not to belong to any gang), wore baggy man trousers and still walked with the bow legged swag. They did not sag their pants and no, their butt-cracks were not visible complete with panty lines. They had armpit hair and smelled musky. Their voices rumbled in their chests like distant thunder. No, they did not squeak or say stuff like “Bae”… ok granted the word did not exist then but if it had, the real men would not have used it. Any why oh why would any warm blooded, testosterone filled man refer to himself as ‘thirst trap’? Real men do not use body creams (Vaseline is allowed during particularly harsh weather), they proudly give firm handshakes with calloused hands and white spaces in between their fingers. Unlike the cushion, balmy, manicured ‘never-carried-a-25L keg’ hands of the new man.

I want men to be men again. Not this thing that I do not understand. They have even messed up my ‘gaydar’. Everyone seems queer, sensitive or as they say ‘up in their feelings’. There is something not quite ok about a man that is so concerned about how he looks and really truly thinks that wearing pink loafers is ‘slaying it’.

I berra camdan. Wetin be my own?

To all my younger friends that wear skinny jeans. I was not talking about you guys. You look perfect. I am only talking about the ones I don’t know….

Lots of love

Obiageli Fire…..

Image source: http://blog.denimtherapy.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/02/nudie-high-kai-skinny-jeans-in-rinsed.jpg

 

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