I read my first Mills & Boon novel when I was 9. It was a “Doctor-Nurse Romance” titled The Cry of the Swan. It took seven years and nearly 100 M&B novels for me to decide I’d had enough. Prior to that turning point, you couldn’t find me without an M&B novel. I remember once in Literature class when Mr. Robert caught me reading Ripe for the Picking while he was teaching and asked me to stand in front of the class and tell the story. Was I ashamed? Not one bit, but I pretended to be so he could release me and give back the book he had seized. I would meet complete strangers and we would bond immediately over M&B and start an “exchanging” relationship. Remember those days?
When I emerged best student in WAEC English Language in my State, some of my classmates tried to attribute it to Mills & Boon. My people, the glory for that A1 goes to my dad who bought me proper books and my aunt who read them to me. What did I gain from M&B? Nothing but Ghana-must-go bag of bobolistic bobo!
The First Time
So the leading lady who happens to be a virgin gets her cherry popped and it goes thus: “She felt a stab of pain, followed by a sea of pleasure.” M&B, why you gotta lie like this? No, why? Anyone who has had their hymen broken even by the gentlest of lovers knows that thing is painer than pain, and the pain is plenty, plus that first encounter is hardly ever even pleasurable. Which sea are you talking about? Biko si ebe a puo!
The Really Important Qualities
Men in Mills &Boon were never short, never average-looking, never had a modest income…in short were never regular in any way. Tall, drop-dead-gorgeous, stinking rich: that is GOALS. Forget about Steve from HR. He is not The One.
The leading lady was never a top lady. She was usually at best a sweet disadvantaged girl who wasn’t making much money or impact in her society, and at worst a spoilt brat or a shrew to be tamed by the handsome hero with broad shoulders, gray eyes and a château someplace where he spends a few days a year, although the cook and butler live there all year round. She was always “less than” and the guy was always larger than life. He had to come and save her – though sometimes they tried to spin it like she was saving him. Even for the bold, sassy one, her spunk only allowed her to stand up for herself long enough for him to “claim her lips, silencing her.” We rarely, if ever, saw her achieve greatness or change her world. The real heroines, the women who have made history, who have impacted their world, were not M&B girls. The Golda Meirs, Margaret Thatchers and Sheryl Sandbergs of this world happily coupled up AND put their potential to good use, making a difference in the world. That’s what teenage girls should aspire to. And no, real men aren’t intimidated by women as amazing, talented and successful as they are.
What is a Mills & Boon novel without orgasms? Thanks to many factors, from religious guilt and sexual repression to porn-addicted husbands and female genital mutilation, many women have never even experienced orgasm, but that is not what is paining me in this M&B matter. What is paining me is that this full-body orgasm that many women are still using torchlight to find and have not seen, not only happens every single time in M & B, but is often perfectly timed to happen just as the man’s own is happening. Do they know how long you have to be sleeping with someone, how well you both have to understand each other’s bodies, for that to have a remote chance of happening? No, all they care about is giving us Super Story. Mscheew.
Sex Like a Horse-Race
Still on the sex matter, if you and your lover haven’t “collapsed in a heap and lay spent” you haven’t started o. After working hard all day attending to clients and struggling to meet targets, then spending hours in traffic, it is not enough to come home and just make love nice and slow, and sleep. You must have sex like horses galloping to battle, with waves rising and crashing into each other, and then you must collapse in a heap. The heap is important. Never forget the heap.
Did you believe any of those Mills & Boon lie-lie?