October 18, 2018

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Dear Fashola, our sex lives are suffering – Adaugo Falcon Uzoma

Dear Fashola, our sex lives are suffering – Adaugo Falcon Uzoma

Since this Fuel crisis started, Nigerians have struggled to adjust as only Nigerians know how to. From queueing up at 3am to carrying generating sets to the filling stations because, since the hunter has learnt to shoot without missing, the bird must learn to fly without perching. Such is life in Nigeria.

We adapt…and fresh opportunities and other less palatable phenomena emerge, and mere anarchy is loosed upon the Naij.

However, in the midst of the chaos, good things have happened:

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1. Take for instance, the rise in the demand for FPA (Fuel Pump Attendant) “special friends”. Seriously, this is one phenomenon that has kept me up many a night. Well, that and the buckets of sweat threatening to drown me on the said nights. But I digress. So, these people who we hardly even acknowledged pre-fuel-Apocalypse are now the cornerstones of our very existence? We now have their phone numbers. Names like ‘Bade CONOIL’ and ‘Chinasa NNPC’ are now regular features on our cellphones. We now refer to them as “my friend” or in extreme situations, “my geh friend/boyfriend. Because fuel is important when you’re a Nigerian. Your existence is hinged on fuel. You’re your own PHCN, you’re your own Water corporation, you’re your own transport company, you’re your own security. You are your own EVERYTHING and fuel is smack in the middle of it all. Brethren, can’t you see how the apocalypse brought about the mingling of the classes? Talk of disappointments and blessings.

2. Another miracle is that the HABs (Husbands and Boyfriends) now stay at home with the WAGs (Wives and Girlfriends)! The side/Boyfriends can’t nip across to the side chick’s place anyhow because every drop of fuel has to be accounted for. No more Aristo action for UNILAG gehs as Aristos, Husbands and Boyfriends no longer hang out because fuel queue long and contri hard. After all, who geh or beer don epp? Look on the bright side: More nookie time. Amen?

3. The Fuel Apocalypse also ensured that Nigerians tapped into skills they didn’t even know existed outside of CVs. You know how people write stuff they can’t do in their resumés? Times have changed. People are pitching ideas from fuel queues. Hallalu! Office WiFi hasn’t hit its limit in weeks and telcos are making a killing providing wifi, mifi etc. People can now add “can work under pressure” to their CV and not risk going to hell because it’ll be true. See? Win-Win.

4. On the down side, the snaking queues that have plagued our lives for going on to 5 weeks are not getting any shorter, as usual, were adapting to them. What’s worrisome for me, however, is the unrelenting traffic jams; I’m wondering, If most people are camping out at the fuel stations, then where are these cars in traffic from? Who are these people? Do cars now have body doubles? So, not even the almighty fuel crisis can keep Lagos traffic at bay? I’m really confused, but not as confused as I am about the power situation. It’s sad that at a time when fuel is scarce and expensive, the power sector is at its most inefficient.

5. Finally beethren, there are things that must never be tampered with for the ecosystem to thrive. For peace and national stability, there are things that must be available. Like electricity. And sex. Sex can not and must not be tampered with. Anything that causes the disruption of the ecosystem from that angle has got to be looked into. Dear Fashola, people can not go and spend their entire day at a filling station, miss out on beer, faaji and UNILAG gehs only for your DISCOs to be dancing reggae inside the blues of their destiny and their happiness. It’s not nice. Sex is not a joking something. 

I submit that emplobeethrensomething to allow “Nigerian” as a skill in résumés.

It’s not a small something being a Nigerian.

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