Every day, we receive thousands of inquiries from the children of anger probing into our party affairs and expressing disappointment with the APC-led federal government. Before sending us another vitriolic email, please go through the list of FAQs for disparate information you may need.
What is the APC?
The APC is simply the acronym for Amalgamation of Political Conmen.
How old is the APC?
Three years, technically. But it is as old as the cumulative age of its components.
Can I join the APC if I have been a member of another party?
Yes, especially if you have.
How many factions are there in the APC?
Ahhh plenty o but like children we don count them, #ahthinkyouunderstandme.
How do you deal with dissenters?
Bring corruption charges against them while holding out hope the prodigals will return to their senses, in which case, the charges will be dropped, promptly.
What are your tactics for rigging elections? (After all everyone rigs hahahahaha)
We follow standard procedure: using thugs to disrupt electoral process, snatching of ballot boxes, using state security agents to harass opponents, and in certain cases, bribing electoral officers to declare inconclusive results that do not favour us. For further details, contact the PDP national headquarters for the complete rigging manual. Its original manuscript is also held there.
What do you do if you foresee losing an election?
Postpone the election (for security reasons) to further study the manual referenced above.
How do you secure a stolen mandate, say, for a governor?
Bribe the judges involved at the electoral tribunal.
How do you deal with corrupt judges?
Arrest them, of course, except for those involved in the cases mentioned above.
How do you identify corrupt judges?
That one is easy, dollars. They almost always stack foreign currency even in time of scarcity.
Why was there no official reception for the Dream Team?
The team went ahead to win a medal even though they could see that the sports minister did not SEND.
Doesn’t the number of presidential media aides lead to redundancy?
Redundancy, as we all know, is just a word.
Continues next week