May 23, 2017

Madam, you dey snore? – Peju Akande

Madam, you dey snore? – Peju Akande

I hate people who snore.

Ok, let me put it better; I hated the sound of other people’s snores, the snorting sound, the deep guttural- phlegm-like sound coursing through the nostrils and mouth of a sleeper was irritating… I thought it was disgusting and the snorer despicable.

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I admit I always thought snoring was limited to fat people. If snoring is as a result of turbulent airflow past the hardpalate and the throat, it must be because there’s too much fat blocking the airwave, I thought.

It was a menace to my ears and I often argued that the victim ought to go find a solution and stop abusing the rest of humanity with it. As far as I was concerned, snorers should be condemned to the dungeons where their snores will not reach the rest of us, sane people. That was until I heard myself snore one day!!!

Whaaat!

Not possible! But there the sound was as I shut my eyes that afternoon a few years ago to take a quick nap.

Ghaarrggh…My eyes flew open; I was awoken by my own snore.

Huh? Wor waz dat? I remember sitting up sharply, narrowing my eyes suspiciously. Who dunnit?  But I didn’t see anyone around, I was home alone and there was no creepy monster lurking in my wardrobe or monitoring spirit sleeping on duty. Still, I denied that the sound could have come from me.

I settled back to sleep again…

Ghhaarrgghh!

There it was again, it came from deep inside of me. I was awake instanta!

Unbelievable! Me! Fine sophisticated, sisi like me, snoring? And I hadn’t even gained weight.

‘Te mi ti ba mi! (I’m undone)

This worried me for a while, I checked online, looked up reasons for snoring. I found them: first, anybody could snore, fat, slim, child, adult, it wasn’t a function of your body weight, instead, it could be as a result of several factors, like when you are on certain medication; or infected with a viral disease, age, sleep posture et al. I identified a few reasons that could be the cause and learned a few more things but these didn’t necessarily  assuage my anxiety having found out that I could snore like a truck driver tired out of his mind!

Ehhnn, so all this my fine ghel, no farting or pooing aje boh pose is just trash?

It worried me because now it meant I couldn’t just be falling asleep anyhowly and that was torture because I love to sleep. Put me in a car and I’m dozing off as soon as the car is in motion.

It also meant I won’t be able to sleep out at friends or homes of relatives! My snoring could  knock their roofs down.

Oh my, what was I gonna do!

I was mortified when I imagined a most likely scenario: I’m in the car going for a meeting, say on the island. Of course, I nod off, soon I hear my driver’s voice.

Driver: Ess ma! Ess ma! (Muttering under his breath) Oga o!

Me: (Dragging out more turbulent air flow from my throat nosily-Ghharrggh- then snorting loudly while trying to appear respectable.) Huh? What did you say?

Driver: (Ever so slight irritation, yet unmistakably there and I noticed) I say we have reached there!

 

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Oh fada!

 

Photo Credit 

Read more from Peju

The tale of the hunter and his evil nephew – Peju Akande

My sister, let me tell you about my miracle – Peju Akande

 

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