The first time I came across the word “Brostitute”, Kehinde Onaopemipo Adeola had used it on a thread and I liked the sound of the word.
I was like, “Kamballa’i! Indeed the gods are wise. So instead of fighting off those who thought calling a woman a “prostitute” was a conversation starter and ice breaker, we could just call them back “brostitute” and the world would just be nice with us all”.
One:one goalless draw, no return match.
It turns out that we still have to do a little bit of shoving to get the word in line for the proper recognition due it.
As part of my research into how this word would serve the hordes of vilified ladies all over the world, I decided to do some googling, just to see how uncle Google felt about us introducing that word into the pool of casually utilised non-sequiturs, appropriate for digging yourself out of a discussion not going the way you intended.
And this is how I found that Uncle Google is not a feminist!
noun- a person, in particular, a woman, who engages in sexual activity for payment.
A friend who says “I’ll be your best friend if…” a lot. He is basically selling his friendship for money. Garrett: I’ll be your best friend if you buy me lunch today.
Brandon: You sir, are a brostitute.
Did you see what they did there?
First, the word prostitute was splashed all over the place and the fact that this was “in particular a woman”, never mind that there are men who offer sex for hire these days, especially mentioned.
But we had to go round and round and eventually land at urban dictionary, to get a definition for brostitute and even then, an attempt to make it look like, you know, not so bad… Maybe funkify it even.
Dear Uncle Googoo (and all the dictionary writers of the world), we wee nor tekkit!
See, we women have almost gotten used to being tarred and slurred “prostitute” for having strong opinions which we tenaciously cling to no matter whose ox is gored. Now, we hardly flinch when someone flings the word ashawo or any of its variants at us.
We like yawn, flip over and grab onto our opinions.
Hang in there.
Never let go.
Come at me with superior arguments baby, my being a prostitute (or not), has nothing to do with your losing control of the argument.
So here we are at this level, and you think you can funkify our rejoinder away from us? Selling friendship for money ke? Abeg park well joor.
Here, for inclusion in the proper dictionaries, our definition of the word “brostitute”:
1. You are a married man, but you are driven by the spirit of piopiopio. Every single lady around you is an endangered species, even the married ones are not spared.
You disrespect your marriage vows and go after every person in a skirt.
You are not a sharp guy, you are a brostitute.
2. You are in a serious relationship…
… with Ada and Amina and Adebola and Angela and Alache and Aduke.
You keep tossing and turning and manipulating them so that one is not aware of the existence of the other…
You are not a player, you are a brostitute.
3. You haunt all the gardens and shopping malls in city centres, waiting for women who look like they are rolling in cash and offer to be “nice to them”.
Subsequently, you hang on like a leech, draining money and living an improved lifestyle for sexual favours…
… you’re a brostitute brother.
4. If you are always hissing like a snake when a woman walks past you, “ksss, ksss… eskiss me, eskiss me”.
You are not just trying your luck anything, you are a brostitute.
5. If after making love to your woman, you come up with, “baby, do you have small change for fuel?” Or “honey, please give me money for recharge card.” Or “sweetheart, my car just broke down now and I have to fix it.” Or even “sugar, nothing to eat in this house?”
You are cheap. Have zero self-esteem and are trying to make her give you money because she is in a relationship with you.
You. Are. A. Brostitute.
Oh, and just before we go, some bonus definitions of the word brostitute. Just locate your cross among all of them and carry it proudly.
1. If you are a divorcee or a single father, we don’t want to hear what the situations are. The fact that you were not sharp enough to remain double even at the detriment to your life, is a sign of brostitution.
2. If you have an opinion contrary to anything we are opining on, stick fast to your opinion and refuse to back down from the garbage we insist on talking about, what are you waiting for?
Come and carry ya brostitution and be going oooooo!!!