March 19, 2019

Mr. Man, leave my breasts alone – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Mr. Man, leave my breasts alone – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Make I clap my hands first in wonderment before I begin to talk.

Clap clap clap. I place my fingers under my chin and stare into some unseen but deeply profound thing in the sky just like Pete Edochie. I pause dramatically, sigh and shake my head.

There is nothing a woman will not be told on this earth. Walahi Talahi. The universe keeps doing us ‘see finish’.

I came across some silly thing some ‘man of God’ wrote. It was so silly, it almost made me weep.

He was advising women (being that women were made with smaller brains and always need to be told what to do) of the importance of keeping our breasts perky and lifted and symmetrical.

You know how you grow up to become somewhat an adult and discover that you can actually say words like ‘menstruation’, ‘discharge’ and ‘bra’ without anyone scolding you and suddenly nobody can hear word again.

This married man, who obviously is not gainfully employed enough went on to give varying examples of how girls wear unsuitable bras. He complained that he and other men (for whom we women live to please) were inundated with lopsided and poorly packed breasts all day long. He decried this lack of consideration to their aesthetics by the sloppiness of especially younger women.

Properly packed and presented breasts were symbolic. Your life cannot be anyhow if you take your time to buy the correct size of bra and hoist those mammary glands at just the right angle. Swinging boobs indicate a topsy turvy life. (Well, he did not say these words exactly… but how will the soup be sweet without small Maggi??)

This is coming from a man whose only experience with bras is leering at magazines, movies and finally struggling for hours to unhook his wife’s coste.

I wish men would just shut up about such things. And I mean it.

You will never understand the bra/breast struggle. And it is just plain creepy to keep on looking at women’s breasts. And don’t think for a second that we do not notice. WE DO! If I had a penny for every time I have glowered at a man who thinks he is cleverly stealing glances at my breasts, I personally would be paying for the presidential jet’s summer vacation in the abroad.

As a teenager with breasts that sprung out overnight, I was eternally embarrassed about having boobs. And when men stared, I just wanted the ground to open up. I wore tight and uncomfortable bras just to make them look smaller and inconspicuous. Not that it ever worked. There was also the matter of being on the endowed side. Getting good bras was such a struggle. Smaller women had a wide range of options. Bigger women were limited to either very expensive brands or second hand markets. I was never comfortable with latter. If I could not afford the expensive ones, I would manage ill fitted but new bras.

Then like I mentioned earlier, men who probably drained the natural perkiness from their mothers and wives will not allow our chest to be at peace. I went to greet someone who had just lost his father. He kept on looking at my boobs till he said something like

“It is a good thing papa can now breast…”

Ha!!!! His dad was not buried yet he was ogling my chest.

Most men do not deserve this explanation of the breast struggle and I don’t know why I am bothering. Padded or not? Padded for women with big nipples wearing sheer tops. This is because you perverts see being a woman as consent already so let me now come and join nipple on top… my own don finish. So yeah, the struggle of finding different bras for different clothes and occasions exist.

Be natural… they say. I prefer women who are themselves… they say.

Being perky forever is as unnatural as a synthetic weave glued to a woman’s head. It is against the law of nature, the laws of breastfeeding, the laws of aging… everything. Why should we struggle to get a semblance of what God made but allowed to rest comfortably on the stomach?

Of all the things a woman has to worry about, a symmetrical perky chest is not on the list. We are allowed to swing low sweet chariot…. We are allowed to be comfortable. If men don’t like it, they should look away and not write silly things of how we can give their fantasies a good view.

See ehn, the day I celebrate my 60th birthday, I will burn ALL my bras. I would have served my husband and children and society all there is to serve. I will regain my freedom. I will swing 360 degrees if I desire… lemme see who will tell me nonsense. Is not wickedness to choke the breast of an old woman? I will swat flies with them if I choose to. Or may be fan myself on a sunny day. And if anyone dares to comment, I can decide to use it as a garrotte and silence foolish talk for all eternity.

Till then, leave me to manage life and my breasts the way I choose.



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