Dear Woke Nigerian on Social Media,
How are you?
It is not yet past the middle of the first month of the New Year, and we can already see that it is going to be a looooooooong – need we add “interesting” – year.
You all have already started the same kiri-kiri behaviour that made last year an awesome year for all of you and a very worrisome one for us your village people, because we began to gain a reputation we cannot even defend or deny.
All because YOU, our village people, refused to respect yourselves in public.
Biko, we do not have access to social media: most of us do not have light in the village where we reside, and life there is tough. We struggle to eke out a reasonable living and when we return from our farms, markets, small scale businesses etc, we are usually too tired to think of hexing anybody.
Still, it is imperative we write you all now because we understand that somehow, we are responsible for all the nzuzughari you all display on social media.
After a wide and thorough consultation across all the village people all over the world, coordinated by the Bini branch of The Association of Village People Worldwide, we have come up with a list of seven things you all must try to avoid doing this year.
1. Umu kiri kiri agbogho of social media, stop following all these yo boys and slay kings into their hotel rooms and private accommodation, then coming out to write long weepy updates along the lines of: “I didn’t esperrered it”.
Why will you not esperrerrit? Over the years, these boys have not changed. Every girl who has followed them into one lungu or the other, has come out wailing. Even if you are a winner, why do you expect your case to be different?
It must be one of two things: you are very simple minded or you crave the social media attention.
Come on! Like seriously, there are a lot of serious things we need to expend our energy advocating for and all of you girls are really falling our hands all over the place.
Now, let us make it easier for you, please repeat after us:
If I am hungry, I can buy my own meal.
If I agree to go with a man into a hotel room, I will state upfront that sex is not on the cards.
Scratch number two, just repeat after me: I will not follow all these sagging jeans generation of boys and men into a closed space except there are at least ten other women, two of whom must be confirmed “mother een Israel”.
Before I ask a casual male acquaintance for money, I must have exhausted my list of family, friends, and casual female acquaintances.
I will always hold my vex money.
You may wish to act “woke” and sneer at the above. If so, we will also sneer at your “stories that touch”” when they finish loading.
2. Woke boys of Facebook, when are you all going to learn?
You read all these updates where these girls decry sexual purity as an old school sontin and pledge their unalloyed allegiance to sex in any form, shape or manner wherever it comes.
“Sex is no big deal,” they declare over and over again. They are open to one night stands, orgies, sexual curiousity, etc. If they meet you today today, they can bonk you yesterday sef, that is how liberated they are.
You slide into the DM.
You introduce sex talk through the rigor-rigor way, she plays along.
You arrange a date.
You shak energy drinks to ginger your swagger and clear out the local chemist’s stock of gold circle condoms.
Ngwanu, you are ready to play the match and aunty woke social media celebrity even joins in with a lot of gusto, until you slap on the condom…
…enter stories that touch.
See, if you refuse to have sense this year, we will also join the lynch mobs when they start reporting you to your employers and demanding your sack.
We will follow them to ask oga Facebook police to arrest you – even if the arrest is only on Facebook – and jail you for “trauma” and “body scamming”.
Now repeat after me: tiger on social media, pussy cat in real life. Tiger on social media, pussy cat in real life.
Keep repeating it until it sinks.
There, you will eventually be alright!
3. Married women and Single Ladies: if we could, we would draw a line on social media which neither of you groups should cross.
Remain on the side of the divide you have chosen, do your own thing there and leave people on the other side alone – e hard?
Married women, face your marriage and leave single ladies alone. Is it your single?
Single ladies, face your single and leave married women alone. Is it your married?
4. Facebook feminists and feminazis: we have no advice for all of you. Especially as the sum total of your social media advocacy is inspired malaria induced hallucinations.
The day you land in the villages and communities to begin to study issues that really affect women (hint: most of which has nothing to do with how sexually liberal you are); we will begin to take you serious.
In the interim, enjoy your life as all groups of ndi iwe na ewe continue to use you for target practice.
Of course, we know that as soon as you begin to get regular sex or someone proposes to you; you either melt off the radar, or start singing from a different chapter in the hymn book.
That is why we refuse to take you serious this year – as usual.
5. Married men, stop sliding into DMs of random women on social media, offering to lick their bodies for free or to show them the little pencil you carry in between your thighs.
Let 2018 be the year you receive sense, biko.
If not, they will disgrace you. You already know the drill:
They will screen grab your chat and splash it all over social media.
They will invite you for a “meet”, you come after shacking enough paraga and emptying your local chemist of all the trojan extra large they have (please always buy the smallest size, i nu), only to arrive there and see yourself on Facebook live.
They will hunt down your wife and inform her of your indiscretions, etc.
Stay your own na.
Face your front.
Repeat after us: In the dark, all holes are the same. At the end of the day, all pussy cats purr alike if you rub them up the right way.
All puns intended.
You are weikommed.
6. Buharists: This should be the year all of you receive common sense. Owuite is holding everybody in a tight corner now, Nigerians are not smiling.
However much you want to sugar coat it, all man eye dey red and when them open am small to peep, na only one person them dey see.
Buhari. Buhari. Buhari.
The buck (bulk, bork, pork, ball, bokoto – depending on your degree of inebriation), rests on his table.
That was the mantra when #CrushOfLife, Goodluck Ebele Jonathan, was in power; it is the mantra now. Don’t try to change it, you hear?
Any attempt to “blame it on Jonathan”, will be met with stiff resistance by the angry masses. That line of defense has long expired.
Wake your man Buhari up, tell him to “be aware” of all that is happening around him.
Boys are not smiling.
They have started shining their PVC.
Anything wey una see during 2019 general elections, make una take am in good faith.
7. All of you: LEAVE YOUR VILLAGE PEOPLE ALONE.
We will be on our own minding our business, all of you will carry your wahala and enter our nineteen. You will be calling our names any how you like.
We will start blaming you too for everything that happens in our life o, after all you too are our village people.
You all will refuse to behave yourselves and when you enter gbege, you will start calling us: “village people, village people”.
Disclaimer: We do not know you o, leave us alone.
Leave us to live our lives.
Leave us to drink water and drop cup.
We are all living in this Buhariconomy and it is not easy anywhere. It is even easier for you all, you have access to social media to distract yourselves, yet you will not leave us alone to be great.
We also have our own problems and until you all started blaming us recklessly, we did not know it was possible to just blame your village people for your own bad behaviour.
Since it is like that, you are also our village people so therefore: village people on social media, leave us alone ooooooo.