I was once the same height/taller than my mates. Then came those teenage years when I fought battles with my mum over food, hiding to drink garri all the time because I was too lazy to heat up my food. So when my mates were eating beans and veggies I was drinking garri and eating junk.
Today, I am a small person and I have learnt to love it. Everything is not about big bum-bum. So, even though my younger siblings are way bigger than me, or the fact that designers don’t make clothes for my body size or that my name has been changed to plenty variants of smallie, I don’t mind. I am happy. For those that wonder how I do it, this is my guide to being a happy smallie.
1. When you go clothes shopping, don’t bother looking for your exact size (except you like to tour markets). Just buy something close to your size and give it to your tailor.
2. Since the Almighty thought it a good thing to make you physically small, he didn’t make your brain and your tongue small too. USE YOUR MOUTH. When big people are trying to intimidate you, open your mouth.
3. People would often think you are a child. Don’t fight it, milk it. Widen your eyes, pout your lips a bit and say ‘pleaseeee’. It works for me all the time on everybody but mostly on men sha.
4. Practice The Rock’s one eyebrow up look. You will need it for times when people ask you stupid questions. Straight face, one eye brow up, then unleash your tongue. Works all the time.
5. People’s husbands and daddies will be attracted to you. I am still trying to understand why. My friend said it’s a save a damsel thing, that they are getting older and are looking for a new challenge, someone to save. Well, if you need to be saved, receive your savior; if you have been saved, send him back to the missionary field.
6. Don’t feel bad when people taunt you and call you tiny, be patient. A time will come when they will start jogging up and down, and checking their weight every second. That’s when you pounce. Visit them with ice cream and every other junk food you can think of. Eat in front of them, let your inside squirm with joy as they fight the ‘to eat or not to eat battle’ within themselves.
7. Get to work on your dreams, work hard and achieve them. The look of shock on people’s faces when they realise your achievements are not a function of your size is priceless. And you will still look very young. It’s worth laughing over every time.
P.S This guide is for female smallies. If you are a male smallie, I can’t help you. Here’s a piece of advice though: Try and be cute and famous, like Korede Bello. Tankiu