October 20, 2017

Abeg, na who gum-body don help? – Jite Efemuaye

Abeg, na who gum-body don help? – Jite Efemuaye

Aka – Bae give me some room, biko!

One of the most funny discussions I’ve ever had was years ago with a single lady who insisted that once she gets married, she’d do everything with her husband. I was pretty young at the time but I felt it was kind of weird to want to spend every available moment with one person. Won’t you get tired? Or bored?

What I didn’t know then was that once you love someone, there’s nothing like too much of their company. Well, according to the people I like to call the gum-body squad.

I had this conversation again, recently, with a group of young, mostly single people. The room was divided into two: those who believed space is a love language and those who believe it was their sole duty to make sure their bae only breathes from the same tank of oxygen as they do.

One would think this would be along gender lines. No, sir. Both sides had an equal share of men and women. There are as many gum-body men as there are women.

couple
Spending time with the one you love is not at all a bad thing. In fact, for your relationship to get better you need to spend time together, and not just physical time: phone calls, chats, etc etc.

The end of a lot of relationships begins with the sentence, ‘I need space.’ For some people that spells disaster. ‘What do you need space for? Are you cheating on me? Are you tired of me? Who will you be spending all this time with if not with me?’

“Even saplings have to be planted with adequate space between them if they have to take a firm root and grow strong. And when they grow, their branches may intermingle to provide shade and beauty, but their roots still need space.”

You see, even the gum-body person needs some space. There should be no guilt in wanting to do something for yourself and by yourself.

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My reference to gum-body doesn’t include parasitic, life-sapping people. That’s another set entirely. I refer to people who are in love and genuinely enjoy spending time with their bae. The issues arise when they expect their partner to want to spend all their time with them too.

People have different intimacy levels. Personality differences are also a factor. That he would rather sleep than chat with you far into the night or she would spend the occasional Sunday evening at an art gallery than at the movies with you is not a bad thing. Of course you can decide to join them even when you both know you don’t enjoy the activity but you shouldn’t expect the same from them.

“But he used to do so and so for me all the time when we first started dating.”

Every adult knows that at the honeymoon stage of every relationship, it’s often like you’re in your own world, this sort of love cocoon. But reality interrupts soon enough and you have to face it.

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Space is not a bad thing. Neither is spending time together. The trick is finding the balance that works for the both of you.

Sharing all activities has its dangers. You end up not really knowing what your bae really enjoys because apparently you both enjoy all the same things. Ever seen a situation where boyfriend finds out his babe hates football but she’s been watching games with him just because she wants to spend time with him, to the detriment of the things she likes doing. You may call that sacrificial love. Err, maybe.

The second as a person in a relationship you cannot find one thing you enjoy doing by yourself if bae is not there or you scroll through you phone and find the last time you called or chatted with any of your friends was two months ago; , you really should check it. The worst thing you can do for your relationship is lose your individuality and become totally dependent on another human being to feel complete.

 

Read more from Jite

Single babe, what are you doing with money? – Jite Efemuaye

“Stay out of my vagina” – Jite Efemuaye

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