December 17, 2017

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Abeg o, I want to be a celebrity – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Abeg o, I want to be a celebrity – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Imagine giving birth and you post a picture of a strand of your baby’s hair and all the news outlets from mainstream to blogs report…

‘BREAKING NEWS: Biodun reveals baby’s hair on Instagram”

Ah, I want to be a celebrity.

Not the any-how-type o!

Someone is handling the graveyard shift at OGBC and suddenly starts walking on air even though he jops buses and lives in a cubicle impressing and collecting from girls in Iyana Mortuary… Not that type.

JESSE JAGZ
JESSE JAGZ

 

I like the sort that we see on huge billboards and drop-down 30 foot banners at The Palms. People that are brand ambassadors for the telecom companies and big name beverages. I am not so sure about the lesser known products but hey, do not despise the days of little beginnings.

Have you seen the gleam in the eyes of people that see a celebrity? Suddenly the most important thing even more important than listening to their songs and watching their premiers is taking a selfie with them. The celebrities understand this responsibility and so they are always ready with a fake smile and the finger point. When you meet them, you immediately become concerned about how you will let all your friends (and I am using this word very loosely… social-media-loosely) know that you have inhaled the same oxygen as they.

Name dropping on fleek, you find a way to wrangle and wrestle every conversation to the point when you remember something poignant and deep that they said to you.

“Hmm, then Stella Damasus looked at me and said… Bisi, you will get through this…”

Notice how useless the above statement would be without the surname. Celebrity famzing 101, always put their surnames, unless they have the stand alone names, like MI, Tuface, Denrele, Waje, Omawunmi…. Etc

“Which reminds me of those days with MI and Jesse in Bola’s studio at Lamingo…”

Perfect mature famzing, ‘those days’ shows there is history, notice I use only Jesse, no Jagz because MI in the sentence nullifies the need to mention it.

Then mention someone people would likely not know, it shows I know them right down to knowing the people they know and finally an address…. That sentence up there is Celebrity Famzing 102. It worked so well till I bumped into MI and he looked blankly at me… I am sure if I had reminded him, he would know me naaa… Biodun, of Jos….

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No mind me jare, I just want to be a celebrity even by association.

What would life be like if I woke up on a normal day and stepped out and all the blogs rush out with:

‘See what Biodun wore today… she was spotted at….’

Or I grace a bank with my presence and the manager comes huffing and puffing down the stairs to lead me to his office where my transaction will be carried out over a drink… even the customers will have a better day just having seen me…

That was how I bumped into the late Justus Esiri at an eye clinic in Abuja, he even tried on the frames and asked for my opinion. He felt they were too expensive and as he was walking away, the manager sprinted after him with souvenirs. Meanwhile, I actually got my glasses that day, I did not so much as get a thank you, in fact, I told them thank you. Celebrity life sweet o…

Imagine the whole country being pregnant with you, reporting the different sizes of your baby bump.

Celebrity and travel is like toothbrush and toothpaste. I don’t know how they can afford it (the endorsements perhaps?) we follow them around the glitzy places they go to on Instagram.

#vegas #turntinLA #sunandciroc…

They get to meet the president and endorse politicians (240million naira, my people!!!!!). You wonder how one sings one song and suddenly he is performing to presidents and serious looking pot-bellied men… and they actually seem star struck… all I can say is #Godwin.

I want to be a celebrity and watch paparazzi scamper and fall over themselves to get pictures of yours truly. I can just see the headlines..

“Biodun buys $100m house in California…”

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“Biodun buys luxury cars for manager and loyal security man”

“Biodun steps out at the Grammies with billionaire husband Festus”

And my personal favourite:

“Who wore it better? Biodun or Tiwa?

Strangers will paint portraits of me and line them against walls at Allen Avenue and Agidingbi.

Some other strangers will do pencil drawings of me and ask people to tag me on Instagram…

I have no idea how to become a celebrity, but I am relieved that it does not mean you are being celebrated for something in particular… that would be too much pressure. Celebrity means everyone knows you even if they do not know why…

I want to be able to say for once “DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” knowing there is a chance the person will actually know who I am.

Finally, people will not see me anyhow and be talking to me just like that.

I even have a list of people I will snub because they ignore me now that I am a nobody.

I can hear the real celebrities saying ‘it is not easy o’

Mtchewww

Yinmu, all of you look like it is so hard and you are suffering. Don’t worry, that is the kind of difficult thing I am praying for.

Make una pray for me biko, I promise to be a good celebrity. I will buy cartons of Indomie, donate and pose for pictures at an orphanage once in a long while. I will also only fly business class when I am travelling domestic and international routes… I am humble like that.

Did I mention that I have met Ms Chimamanda Adichie and she knows me by name and face? (Celebrity famzing Phd… how else could I tell you I know her if not by writing this whole article).

(Fun fact: I was once recognized in a bank and given behind the counter treatment because of this my Sabinews picture… small by small I am on my way or how una take see am?)

 

Radi8
InnJoo Reborn

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3 Comments

  1. Sandra

    Hmmm my dear, you already are a celebrity waiting to be discovered. With your writing skills and sweet vocal dexterity…..

    Reply
  2. Joan Wuya

    Biodun you are already our celebrity we celebrate you each day and better believe it that a day is not complete if we don’t name drop that we sabi that sabinews chick! Small small you are getting there and [email protected] with Billionaire husband Festus #AMEN

    Reply

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