All of us are worse than Diezani – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

All of us are worse than Diezani  – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

My laptop had a bad key and so a new keypad was necessary.

I don’t know what I was feeling like but I decided to find the authorized HP service centre to do this. Well, I think I know where this came from. I once got someone to fix my fridge and when he couldn’t, I took it to Thermocool but they wouldn’t touch it because someone else had worked on it.

So ,I carried my laptop to this shop in computer village. I walked into the office and the cool blast of the AC enveloped me. “Yes” I thought to myself “I am in the right place”. The security man pointed to the adjacent wall that had three laptops mounted and asked me to log in my presence.

“Fantastic, this place is well organized” I said to myself as I logged in.

It generated a number, 16827. I glanced at the other people sitting down and consoled myself with the cold bottled water I had and my blackberry. I had been sitting down for all of five minutes when someone called my name.

hp revised

“Prompt service… have I died and gone to Europ… I mean heaven?”

The lady politely asked me to sit down and collected my laptop. She first of all checked and told me I had no warranty and I nodded but my mind was far away…

[Abeg stop blaming witches, blame yourself biko – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha]

“Nigeria is changing fa!” I didn’t have to play musical chairs or shove anyone. The customer service lady did not behave as though I was interrupting her real job of clacking away on her desktop. She was focused on me. I was impressed.

But things went familiarly downhill fast…

“Ehm ma, this thing is going to be expensive o! We don’t have the parts here. We will have to order for them.”

“How expensive are we talking about?” I asked nervously. I had done my homework, a keypad should not take up to 4k.

She called a figure that made me break out in cold sweat!

“And you can’t get it today ma.”

My head began a private Asset Declaration of all I had home and abroad. For the amount she had stated, I would only need to add small something to get a new laptop.

“But I can help you ma…”
The sun that had begun to set within me jumped up with glee.

“There is a guy that can do this sharp sharp for you and it will be cheaper.”

The sun stopped midway through its mad jig. Gini?

[Sista, so you want to be a damsel? – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha]

“You mean someone can give me a cheaper keypad than HP?”

“Yes ma, you know all the shipping costs and the hassle of bringing something in…”

I blinked.

“Is this person making his own keypad in his shop?”

I asked and she smiled sheepishly.

“Ma, I just want to help you…”

Trust a Nigerian to be so caring. The girl thinks I do not know she will get a commission for redirecting customers.

“The guy is good.”

To get things clear, I asked her.

“So you HP, you are sending me to someone else to fix my laptop.”
“Ma, there is no way we will recommend someone bad to you, we have tested him and we trust him.”

When she said those words, I smiled.

“Even your boo get a boo…”

“Excuse me ma?”

“Even an authorized dealer has an authorized dealer.”

She smiled and asked if she could call him.

He came in less than 5 minutes. A short dude with a bored look on his face. He led me out of the AC and I sprinted after him in the hot sun till we got to a dingy building with a narrow staircase that led to a cubicle that did not even have a fan. We haggled over the price and then in 5 minutes my laptop was fixed.

He gave me his card. “Ma, I know say you go bring me customer.”

“The way HP is sending customers to you abi? (Two other guys had been directed to him as well.)

“Me, I be HP staff o!”
Yeah right, the way Ben Bruce is Obama (Sorry couldn’t resist, I heard there was a recent comparison.)

“You are even better than HP” I said sarcastically, the way Omawunmi’s version of Hello could not compare to Adele’s weak original version (Sean Tizzle, your grass seller na baba!)

This is normal life in Naija.

Have you ever been to a government hospital and the doctor directs you somewhere else to do all your tests?

The thing is the hospitals actually conduct these tests but for some reason, this doctor would want to send you to his friend’s place or even his own lab.

And tomorrow he will be yapping about Diezani and her so called corrupt colleagues. His thick saliva will connect his lips and the leftover will sit at the corners of his mouth as he spews his disgust talking about how our leaders have bled Nigeria dry. Make we see road abeg!

Ordinary Nigerians scamming ordinary Nigerians since 19kiridim… From morning till night we battle with people trying to fleece us in the name of haggling as we work our way through armed, uniformed men and the armed freelancers all trying to empty the change in our pockets.

Before you tell me “Country no good…” abeg keep kwayet! “Na me make country hard? Or is that why you should make it harder for me?”

Don’t mind me, I am not really angry, surprised or sad by how things are. I am used to it. Besides we won’t have to wait for long. Baba is working on it!




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  1. Marson Red

    Totally correct … Like a man once said , “the reason we are in a Nation as corrupt as Nigeria is because all have corruption inside of us, and IT WILL FIND EXPRESSION WHEN IT FINDS THE OPPORTUNITY” Nigeria gives us the opportunity to experience from others the same experiences we wish to give to others … We all share a collective … Guilt and Karma


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