On my mind, relationships and abuse.
I have many friends, few good friends and even fewer close friends. But the fact remains that I have friends aplenty. As is inevitable, I have had the friends that are like a heady rush of blood to the brain, we talk every day, and then it fizzles out; and I have had the friends with whom I enjoy (or suffer) long silences – and they yet endure. We pick up after weeks of not talking where we left off like it was yesterday. Many have fallen off my radar it seems hard to believe there was a time we spoke every minute!… and many I have carried with me over the years; these friendships have been tried and tested and they have withstood all the metamorphosis I and they have undergone. And yet, we stand.
While I may love them in different ways and to varying degrees, there is one aspect I wish to dwell on. Gratitude. The friends who when I think of them, I think how time and again, they save me. Friends I know I can always depend on if I have a need.
Even on this score, there are levels. There are the ones whom I know wish to help, given the need, but are just unable; there are the ones who say they will but need many reminders; there are the ones who respond instantly. But the class A in this group are the ones who ANTICIPATE my need. Even when they cannot meet it, they know that given these set of facts, I am likely to need this at this point in time, and then promptly respond or apologize, and usually they don’t have to say much because they have shown their support in past instances and even as they struggle to convey their deep regret, it is unnecessary and I am the one left with the task of reassuring them that of course I understand.
I know.I can say without a shadow of doubt that could you, you would. Definitely.
What I, we, will however never accept from a friend is the suggestion that I was in a dire predicament, and they had the ability to help me, and they either didn’t notice, or noticed, even boasted that they could help, that they had the solution I sought. But choose not to. Depending on the gravity of my need, and the sense of betrayal, that could very well be the end of such a friendship. I mean, the ‘friendship’ could limp along, but it’ll be like when you say, ‘at least I know where I stand with you.’ It is very revealing. And unforgiveable.
Add to that the person being highhanded enough to tell you that they denied you this support because they know what is best for you. Not even parents should be allowed to do this, unless you are still a child. If they trust the upbringing they gave you, when you say you want something and it is in their power to oblige, they should entrust it to you. If you self-destruct, this is why you are an adult. Adulthood is sacred and should not be trifled with. The power of choice is sacrosanct. Mistakes can and should be made. Prices will be paid. And all is well with the universe.
But first, trust. Entrust to me my desire and leave me be – if it doesn’t hurt you to do so.
So I am standing in my kitchen filling up bottles and a song from my Christian days comes to me;
O yes the answer’s on the way, this I know
Jesus said it, and I believe it that it’s so
Our heavenly father knows our needs before we pray
And we can rest assured the answer’s on the way.
The third line struck me.
Anticipate my request
Prepare to deny
Ask me to ask anyway.
And I think, what the hell kind of bullcrap is this?
The most abusive relationship I know is between a man and his chosen deity, especially the Christian God. There is something deeply disturbing to me about the fact that;
I have a problem
You say you have the solution
You know I have the problem
You wait for me to come and ask you anyway, in fact, you insist on it.
So I ask and ask and ask, several times, loudly, with deep tears and grief, continuously. In desperate instances, I go into seclusion and denial. And ask and ask and ask.
And all the while, you already had your plan, your answer which is mostly likely No actually. How much of what we want/need do we get without Man’s intervention? I am not talking a new Porsche though that’s on. I am talking relief from pain, sickness, need for food, shelter, clothing, health. I am talking averting natural disasters. But your mind was already made. No. But ask me anyway.
Which is okay. It’s your prerogative. But as a good friend would do, do you take the time to tell me why? Not guesswork. Not, leaving me thinking, ‘if my daughter had lived, I think she may have ended up in jail,’ No. But like, try to really make me understand why you let such horrible things happen which you claim to foresee and have power over.
So then, God, any one you subscribe to that demands this of you is sick. And insecure, needing constant ego-massaging and validation, feeding off your neediness, without which they would be safely ensconced in the annals of history where all the gods belong in a holy orgy.
Not even your earthly parent would do that. Does your dad have you line up for hours on end asking, ‘Daddy, school is resuming, please give me school fees.’ Then he has you come back over and over and over and ask and ask and ask?
Why do we let our gods such leeway then? What is the hope when you know the answer is as likely to your liking as not? What is the point of praying? What is God doing when you had to ask the first time? Then he has you come back over and over and over and ask and ask and ask?
Why does this not make you angry? Why do you permit it? Why do you worship and return over and over to some figment passed down to you, reinforced over time that cares nothing for you? Where is the atmosphere for so called faith?
You are a masochist. Were this a man/woman, parent/child relationship, your relationship with God, would you accept it?
I hope you have better judgement with your romantic relationships. At least, those are with real people that can hurt you. If you love your fellow human the way you love your gods, allowing this kind of abuse, they will use you to do toilet roll and it will only serve you right.