BROS, BEFORE YOU DATE A WOMAN IN JAND, CHECK HER HUMAN HAIR because the fear of human hair is the beginning of wisdom.
When the prophets wrote in The Holy Book that “a woman’s hair is her crowning glory” they weren’t talking about Naija women in Jand. Here, the hair of the woman you decide to date can be your worst nightmare, the metaphoric syringe that sucks up every drop of blood from the arteries of your wallet.
No, I am not talking about that dastardly “natural hair journey” many unemployed Nigerian women in Jand embark on after a boredom-induced YouTube fest. See? If you don’t even know there is a natural hair journey how will you know about the Human Hair hustle? That is like hoping to know the G-Spot, when you have no idea what the G-string is. So, let me be your GPS and show you how it’s all going down in Jand because by their fruits hair you shall know them.
The human hair geography professor
These type of women in Jand would not know what end of a pencil to set to paper but they are versed in human hair geography. Within 5 minutes of small talk, they will let you know the difference between Mongolian, Indian, Peruvian, Brazilian and even Vietnam Remy human hair. They have no idea who Vladimir Putin is but they can text you a thesis via BBM on the pros and cons of Russian Federation Remy, with directions to the nearest stockists. They are usually the ones with lopsided closure weaves who flick it at least 20 times per minute, twirling it in their fingers the rest of the time, as though they are a TV set and the human hair is some sort of antenna, without which they cannot function. To know for sure if you are dating a human hair geography professor, just get a female friend to tell her any of the following: a) I like your hair b) what hair is this?
The lecture will proceed, and you will now have to decide whether you want to be the lucky man who will grant a life-long scholarship to this Madam, to further her studies at the University of Human Hair.
The Gbogbonise dealer-user
In Jand, some women are similar to the Gbogbonise drugs that those sweaty men in buses sell as a cure for everything from impotence to poverty. These women are just as well-versed in the geography, alongside the economics of Human Hair. They have figured out that the best Brazilian hair comes from Chinese factories (even though both nations are continents away) and they are making a killing from the addicts below. You can expect to meet these type of women even before you do meet; they are the ones that tag your sisters, your friends and female relatives on their Facebook page (which usually have nothing but hundreds of stolen pictures of human hair). Her DP is usually “Munched” chats from satisfied customers, or of herself wearing the goods. She will dye the hair red, blue…all shades and stripes of humiliation and wear it all; anything for her clients. She has status messages on social media containing price quotes and when you do meet her, expect her to hold up your conversation while she texts quotes and takes calls from customers. Bros, I would advise you go for the Gbogbonise dealer-user –at least she pays her own way and so long as the sky is blue, this human hair business will continue to boom.
This type of woman is just that; an addict with no limits. No, she won’t know where the hair came from, doesn’t care if it is Romanian-Yoruba hair or Croatian Remy…all she knows is if it is trending, she must have it (even if that means screwing your friend or your bank balance). The addict is often the one that fancies herself as a Nigerian descendant from Rapunzel; she is allergic to 16inches and wears up to 32 inches of the stuff, all the way past her buttocks. These women have a human hair stash the size of an African country’s GDP and also spend the money to make sure it is “laid” as we say in Jand. You can tell your human hair addict by the fact that only her Nigerian name/accent will give away the fact that it can’t be her hair. With the right mix of bleaching cream/contact lens/English accent/name the addict will have you eating out of her hands. The human hair addict comes with many advantages: an exotic beauty perpetually on your arm; a life-long supply of pictures in which her hair is never out of place, even when sweating in the Lagos heat and envy from other women. However, unless you have the means to support her substance abuse or you have the temperament to cope when she tells you she sent your monthly salary to someone in China for hair, I suggest you look elsewhere in this column for the woman of your dreams.
These types of women would be human hair addicts but they have no Naira, much less Sterling to their raggedy names. These Naija babes are to be found all over YouTube, begging for free goods from human hair companies in China and America which they will then sew on their own heads and advertise in a video. This is how they get their fix, flitting from company to company, and most have been known to also veer into cosmetics, clothing and possibly underwear.
This is one lady you must run from because even though her hair is laid and blended even though she looks the business and speaks “phonay” like butter wouldn’t melt…she is a freeloader. An Onigbese who needs credit like Kegites need palmwine. These types are the ones who get sent free hair but are so paranoid, they always accuse stylists of stealing their human hair on the few occasions they can afford to go to a salon. Bros, these ones fit build house for Naija and you no go know. You have been warned.
The novice wannabe
At the bottom of the human hair hustle is the novice, who buys “human hair” from dingy Asian shops in Jand and bids for used hair on Ebay. The novice wannabe is skint, shrewd or just plain clueless about this human hair business but she makes an effort, within her means. The problem is she always falls short, after all, in this business you get what you pay/don’t pay for.
Nevertheless, the novice wannabe is a ride waiting to be pimped. Show her the finer things in life, starting with her hair and she will remain loyal. But pimp with care because…all Naija women in Jand are just one purchase away from the blurred lines of this human hair hustle. Today’s novice wannabe on your hands may be tomorrow’s Human Hair addict so shine your eyes and…help me find that crowbar. Yes, the one I use for extricating my tongue from my cheek.
See you next week.