July 23, 2018


Photo Credit To https://38.media.tumblr.com/a23f88e691ae28177f2f851afe9ad18a/tumblr_nnu9ae0QjO1u45p2do1_500.gif

Kissing, osculation, necking, tonsil hockey; Call it whatever you may, has been banned by the Nigerian government.

The two houses voted overwhelmingly in an unprecedented plenary session to outlaw the act of kissing.

kissing o

Speaking at the session as a member of the gallery, Patrick Obiahagbon, noted that “kissing as an act is inherently repugnant, excoriatingly malicious and patently unnatural.”

Senator Magnus Obe who voted from his hospital bed in London was equally disgusted. “If God intended for us to drink saliva would he have created water?” he asked via Google Hangout.

The historic vote to outlaw kissing is coming a few months after another historic vote in which same sex marriages and relations was criminalized with the guilty liable to face 14 years in jail.

In his final statement at the end of the vote which has now been sent to the President for his assent, the senate president, Senator David Nack, told his colleagues from both the lower and upper houses that “kissing is an imperialistic tool introduced into Africa to mentally enslave us. Did you ever see Kwame Nkrumah kiss? Did you see Nnamdi Azikiwe kiss? Did you see Obafemi Awolowo kiss? No. We even have it on good authority that Awolowo did not, you know, with his wife for twenty years prior to his death. I am not saying that my fellow lawmakers should imitate Awolowo because the era in which he lived is different from the era in which we now live. Mini-skirts were not invented then. lol”

Protests have already been launched and a group known as the Koalition in Serious Support of Necking (KISSON) has issued a statement noting that “we will make the country ungovernable. Every onlooker is either a traitor or a non-kisser.” The statement was signed by Comrade Bob Kisser.

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  1. henry c. onyema

    Gosh, is this for real? What are we paying those jerks for? So we go to jail for kissing our wives, lovers, even kids. Only God knows what they do in private. This bill is laughable and makes one point valid: scrap the chambers as it is now. Mark and his gang should shoot a kissing couple at church! GEJ, tear that bill from fundamentalist thieves whenever it reaches you. And it is a historical fact that our great Zik was a ladies man and clearly did enough kissing to last a lifetime. The records are there.

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  5. Ezenwa Hart O.

    Make una no believe Toni Kan go cause wahala o. Na joke I’m dey joke about the kissing thing. Its obvious- the guy voting from his sick bed in London, David Nack, instead of David Mark, the activist’s surname Kisser. A very good sense of humour. I don laff tire!

  6. fifie

    Hahahahaha. Lol. The Onion has met its match with SabiNews! Ah, if “they” ban kissing, people like us that can kiss for Africa will simply relocate to more kisser friendly countries – like France!


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