Kissing, osculation, necking, tonsil hockey; Call it whatever you may, has been banned by the Nigerian government.
The two houses voted overwhelmingly in an unprecedented plenary session to outlaw the act of kissing.
Speaking at the session as a member of the gallery, Patrick Obiahagbon, noted that “kissing as an act is inherently repugnant, excoriatingly malicious and patently unnatural.”
Senator Magnus Obe who voted from his hospital bed in London was equally disgusted. “If God intended for us to drink saliva would he have created water?” he asked via Google Hangout.
The historic vote to outlaw kissing is coming a few months after another historic vote in which same sex marriages and relations was criminalized with the guilty liable to face 14 years in jail.
In his final statement at the end of the vote which has now been sent to the President for his assent, the senate president, Senator David Nack, told his colleagues from both the lower and upper houses that “kissing is an imperialistic tool introduced into Africa to mentally enslave us. Did you ever see Kwame Nkrumah kiss? Did you see Nnamdi Azikiwe kiss? Did you see Obafemi Awolowo kiss? No. We even have it on good authority that Awolowo did not, you know, with his wife for twenty years prior to his death. I am not saying that my fellow lawmakers should imitate Awolowo because the era in which he lived is different from the era in which we now live. Mini-skirts were not invented then. lol”
Protests have already been launched and a group known as the Koalition in Serious Support of Necking (KISSON) has issued a statement noting that “we will make the country ungovernable. Every onlooker is either a traitor or a non-kisser.” The statement was signed by Comrade Bob Kisser.