Congratulations my sister. In fact, I watched the proposal video on Instagram. I saw your face when he was doing something annoying till when he pulled out the ring and your palm went to your mouth as your eyes widened in excitement. Your friends brought out their phones and started shouting in excitement. You took some backward steps away from him (standard surprised reverse) and you were shaking your free hand in disbelief.
I don’t blame you for being surprised. You see, these boys are downright tricky They are like a suspense novel you have struggled through reading without going to the last page. At the end of the long read (relationship) you get to find out whodunit. How many women have come and gone before you? How many girls have they promised to love forever only for forever to always be for a few months. Remember when you faced the dilemma of whether or not to “off paiynt” for the dude and you wondered when was too early and when was too late? And even when you were doing it, you had moments when you stared at the ceiling and wondered if you were acquiring mileage for nothing. Remember all the times you cooked and cared for him. Or the times you went through his phone and read all his whatsapp chats and DMs looking for clues on who the other co girlfriends were. Or even the nights of praying and claiming him as a husband right after repenting for the fornication you will still commit again.
After all the wahala of sifting through a huge pile of fuck boys, pretend holy brothers, married-but-lying-that-are-single men, work boyfriends, single and thinking they are God’s gift to women boys, Yoruba demons etc etc, you have finally found one that is not afraid to commit to marriage.
Congratulations once more.
That proposal was something else. The moment he went down on one knee even strangers started shouting and clapping and then you started blinking back tears to no avail. Walahi, as I was eating fried sweet potato and stew and watching the video, a little tiny tear rolled out of my eye. You deserve it. I don’t know you but I know how relationships can be tedious and that you put up with a Nigerian man to the end, I remove my bra and wave in the air for you.
You are now engaged. What next?
Well first off all, take it easy and don’t give that hand with the engagement ring paralysis. You can put it down once in a while. The God that saw you through till engagement will see you through the wedding even if not everyone sees the ring.
You and your friends will, hopefully, go through some months of planning. Your fiance and your families and you will decide on dates, outfits, hall, cake, music, etc
You will look beautiful that day. Every bride looks beautiful on her wedding day and it is not even the FaceBeat. Everyone except my aunty Kubura…nothing could soften that her hard face. The groom just looked angry all the time as though he wanted to bolt. The marriage didn’t last but that is not your portion IJN.
The wedding will go well. Meat and chicken will finish before the reception ends. But not to worry, who asked them to come late? You will get a lot of plate sets and someone will be cheeky enough to buy a plastic baby bathtub as a gift. Most of the gifts will not be useful to you but it is still nice to get gifts.
There may not be any sex the wedding night. This is because your whole body will ache and besides, you guys did not wait so what is so special about doing it that night by force? This is unless of course you waited then whether you like it or not, there will be sex. Your groom who has been tortured by that white gown you wore and the tantalising way your compact butt kept moving when you were dancing will punish you the way you punished him by making him wait. It will not be the best sex of your life either way. You are both not to blame. It was a long day.
You will give it a few days or weeks if you have restraint before changing your status
Yemi John just got married!
You will then change your last name to his name.
And then you will flood your social media pages with glossy soft copies of your day.
They will be the collection of pictures with the highest likes/comments since you started using social media.
At home in your very own house with ‘hubby’. It will feel strange when you say ‘my husband’ and you will find yourself saying it a lot because it will be tickling your tongue. You will do some efiko. Cooking what he likes. Wearing new nighties. Shitting when he is not at home and making sure the bathroom is rid of the smell.
SEX. SEX. SEX. You are jack rabbits christening every single room and doing all the styles. Enjoy it my sister. For the time is coming when you will try to remember when you did it and come up with ‘sometime last month.’
He will be sweet and considerate. He will chop the onions while you wash the rice. You will eat together and bathe together. You will enjoy going to church wearing the same clothes and take lots of pictures together. You will always be well dressed and made up. New wives have that time.
Then belle go enter. He will not stop being sweet.
“Ah, is it your back? Lie down don’t cook, we will do take away.”
He may even follow you to your ante-natal classes.
He will rub your back and your stomach and oblige your increased sexual drive.
Then you will give birth.
He will announce it on Facebook.
“My wife put to bed at 2:11am today. Wife, baby boy and husband doing well. Praise God.”
The congratulations and gifts will come pouring in. He will snap and post that picture every father takes with the baby sleeping on his chest.
Awwww….the novelty of new parents.
You will be told to wait 6 weeks before having sex. He will not make it. Before 1 month you would have done it.
You will then google
“Can a 3 week postpartum woman ovulate?” Because the fear of belle is still high and he will not agree to use a condom.
But your eye will begin to clear smoo-smoo.
Baby is waking 7 times a night to feed. You can barely sleep up to an hour in between. Daddy will snore the night away and tell you sorry in the morning.
He is now no longer ‘Sweetie’, he is daddy in the making.
Once omugo is finished, you are own your own with baby. To find time to even wash the baby’s cloths is wahala. You can barely even clean the house the way you want to. And after asking for take away a few times, husbands face has started changing, he doesn’t like buying food outside all the time. He even grumbles under his breath.
So you are now having to go to the market with the baby in a carrier. Another problem is that he that used to sniff to find out if beans in his fridge is still good to eat will start saying he doesn’t like eating a day old soup. You will barely sleep at night, carry baby round, keep the house clean and serve fresh food at night.
He will come back and complain about his hard day, eat your food and even ‘chop’ you on top before sleeping off and letting you handle baby by yourself all night. If baby is a crier, he may leave the room for you and sleep in the sitting room so that he will not be disturbed.
When you resume work, you will worry about who is caring for baby and still make sure you coordinate the home so that husband comes home to fresh food. On Saturday, we will jam you in the market with scattered weaveon buying onions, yam and ugu in a hurry so that baby will not start crying. Husband had to go do some arbitrary thing somewhere while you are stuck with all the chores.
When we see your harried married face, we will ask you how baby and husband are doing and you will say fine without the spark of romantic reminiscing in your eyes.
We will even see you did not wear earrings not to talk of the proud two wedding rings.
Congratulations sister. Welcome to cage…club club…the club.