April 28, 2017

Come o, na wetin be your spec ? – Viola Okolie

Come o, na wetin be your spec ? – Viola Okolie

There is something called a “spec”.

I think that everyone on the face of this earth should have a spec and people that say, “it is not the looks that counts, it is the heart”, are just being clever by half because even the heart sef get spec.For instance, if you are not keen on looks and physical appearances, but you want a man/woman who is compassionate, that compassion

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For instance, if you are not keen on looks and physical appearances, but you want a man/woman who is compassionate, that compassion there is a “spec”.

But you see physical appearances, it is better for you if you like slim ladies, to go after slim ladies. Use it as your elimination criteria. Shout it from the rooftops. Don’t mind olofofos like us that will come and yell about body shaming and the like, we will only froth at the mouth and go blue from exertion, when we get tired, we will calm down.

It is your spec, you are entitled to it.

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So this friend of mine, chronic bachelor extraordinaire, decided to hire a chef. He mentioned it once to me after he had nearly incinerated himself trying to boil eggs, and fell asleep with the gas on.

What saved him, was that when the eggs had burnt to a fine crisp and the pot had blackened, the gas ran out. He woke up the next morning and decided that rather than continue to prove his husband materialness at the detriment to his health, he should help the Buhari government move closer to their campaign promises and hire a chef.  That would be at least one out of the three million jobs promised, created.

So he put out the word and requested someone who had some post-secondary education. The applications soon poured in and he left the selection to a trusted friend to handle.

Day one, he returned from work to find an average height, light skinned, “fully loaded” woman in the living room. She was smartly dressed in casual clothes and watching television.

On the dining table was his food well laid out.

Hmmm, he opened the dish and the aroma was something else. His house was looking well taken care of and what was important to him, the neatness of the chef was guaranteed. So he said he wolfed down his food, waited for the chef to tidy up and leave, then called his friend to congratulate her on making an excellent choice for him.

“So do you like her?” the friend asked.

“Yes, yes. She is an excellent cook and very neat too. Her touch was felt in the house as soon as I walked in.”

“I know. I made a careful choice because I know what you like.”

“Yes, thank you. I know I didn’t misplace my trust in you.”

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“Misplace trust ke? I know your spec now and I carefully selected her.”

“My what?”

“Your spec. Didn’t you look at her well when you came in?”

“I don’t understand.”

“Ahn ahn na, average height. Fair skinned. Full attack, well balanced defence.”

“Attack? Defence? What are you talking about?”

“Her shape now. She is just like the sort of women you like now.”

“Wait o, I asked you to help me interview a chef, a COOK. And you are talking about my spec? What is the connection?”

“Ehn, anything can happen na. You never reach to marry?”

My friend was livid while recounting this. Me? I was rolling in laughter.

So how did he handle it?
He left the house early the next morning, and left a full week’s salary with the security guard, asking him to hand it over to the chef when she arrived for work, with his apologies as her services were no longer required.
I laughed long and hard and asked him if he didn’t think his reaction was a little bit too extreme?
“See Viola, I no go lie give you, in retrospect, I realised that the chef was my exact spec. She was everything I liked in a woman and apparently, the selection had been done with an ulterior motive in mind. I couldn’t vouch she wasn’t party to it. If this one waka come meet me for bedroom one night, I go succumb o, I no go fit resist this temptation, I no go lie. So it was better to get rid of her now while it was still early days.”
It was very hilarious, but he had a point, it was extremely clear to see and so he had decided discretion would be the better part of valour for him.
Back to escaping cremation by the whiskers while cooking only when he was absolutely certain he would be fully alert to monitor the process. Afterall, restaurants have to be in business and it is the patronage of chronic bachelors like him that keep them in the green.
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But in all seriousness, everybody get spec.
Man get spec, woman get spec.
For as long as everybody dey hunt within him own specifications, too much piopiopio and stories that touch no suppose dey dey inside marriage and relationship matter.
No use sake of say you wan pity person, go marry outside wetin you know say na him you like. Leave them, no pity them. Every shoe wey dey on the face of this earth, get size. The person wey their shoe go size go soon come, carry your pity and come and be going.
No go block person road out of pity or pressure, then when you discover say no be your size, you go come begin wan use wailing block our ear. You no go happy, the person no go happy, we go dey spend money on top popcorn matter for inside this kain ogbonge “resepshorm” wey we dey so.
If na orobo you dey like, bros go find one orobo dey follow am bumper to bumper. No go marry lepa put for house, come dey gee am daily heartache where you go dey complain say meat no dey her body.
If na lepa you dey like, bros go find lepa wey you go love well well, put am for house. No go marry orobo put for house, den you no go allow her drink water drop cup in peace – literally.
“Hey, are you eating again?”
“Won’t you go to the gym?”
“That food is too much!”
“Can’t you see how Johnson’s wife is slim like pencil?”
Nhian oooo.
Sister, if you like a tall drink of coffee, don’t go and settle for small stout in your desperation to answer “Mrs. Somebody”. Believe me when I say that the heartache you’d save yourself by waiting a little longer (or going after what you want if you see it), is priceless.
If you like your man polished and in touch with present realities, don’t go and hang onto the next thing with a penis that stops you along the road and asks for your number.
You will be miserable.
We will hear stories that touch.
And for most of us, your tales of woe are just mere entertainment.
While you are thinking: “Dear Joro, please hide my identity”, we are thinking: “Dear Joro, yesterday tory sweet pass today own”.
And just as a parting shot, if his money is your spec when it comes to paying your school fees and bearing your family’s burden on his shoulders, then he better be your spec whether you like it or not.
And if her documents are your spec for as long as you are hiding around “in the abroading”, dodging immigration while you seek to regularise your stay, then she better be your spec after you have received your right of residency.
Don’t be a witch or wizard and leave a trail of broken hearts behind you when you know for sure from the onset that they are not your spec.
Before you take a decision with anyone, ask yourself, “this one na my spec?”
If you can answer in the affirmative to the physical, emotional, spiritual and psychological qualities of that person, then you can slap the label “true love” on your find.
We no go grudge you.
But ladies and gentlemen, we are getting tired of stories that touch.
Stop the rush.
Stop the coupling for the wrong reasons.
Wetin be your spec?
Look for am, find am and stick to am.
Tenkiu.

 

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