Like play, like play; another “onwa December” is upon us again.
Where did the year go and where is it running to so fast?
I am sure even you reading this probably did not realise we have just 40 short days away from Christmas.
Very soon, the Malaysian-based boys will be heading home to start intimidating all the boys that have been earning N30k per month from N-Power.
Or those earning Minister Chris Ngige’s minimum wage that is less than $100 per month.
All the girls that hitherto used to have ‘small sense’ and declare on all the social media platforms that they are too liberated to take nonsense from any man, will soon start filling out all their annual leave forms and heading homewards for “vacation”.
Now, they will take rubbish from men – I mean the Malaysian returnees.
Thankfully, our own na to occupy “obzagation” post on social media and wait for January/February-ish for the guys to return to their bases and the loving arms of their Malay chics and consequently, stop picking the calls of these Christmas-season inamoratas.
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We will shift position from the ‘obzagation’ post to all the various agony “aunts” on social media.
Dear Amanda, Dear Joro, Dear SDK, Dear Linda, Dear BOM…
‘Matured advice’ sought would fall within the range of:
‘how can I be a baby mama when I promised my mother I will make her proud?’
‘Is it possible to get rid of a pregnancy that is three months old – I am not asking for myself but for a friend o – hide my identity.’
‘He said he loved me but when I called him, I heard the voice of a white woman and children in the background. What do I do?’
Ndi “hide my identity”.
But this is not about that…
Ndi “in the abroading” will also be coming back for Christmas, and if you hang on for a moment, I’ll explain the difference between the two to you.
Ndi “in the abroading” are those coming in from England, Ireland, America, Australia and other European countries.
Ndi “o ji amu e jiro ego”.
They will come with plenty plenty grammar and “yo men, whats up”. And “e say?” And “azzumegetworaimean”?
Plenty plenty fohneh, and very little money that they obtained by maxing out all their available credit cards.
Thank God for Buhari and his mismanagement of the economy, if they change $150 or GBP100, money go literally full everywhere.
They will carefully count out the money they want to give the girl they are chyking for recharge card, making her hair, or pay for the Uber to come and visit them.
They will ensure there is no left over change for her to use and ‘hold body’.
They will talk about “clocking in and clocking out” and harass waiters in restaurants for their change and complain about how many hours they had to work to make the money they are spending now on a mortar of nkwobi.
But they will sha spend it.
And use the money to confuse all these our emergency social media feminists.
Of course, with promises of taking them to the abroading in no distant time combined with a green card or resident permit shortly afterwards.
Your girl will lie to you about a sick uncle needing her attention in the village, and disappear for the duration of the holidays.
She will fall for their yarns and fall yakata.
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Sometime around January/February; we will clamber down from our ‘obzagation post’ and commence our social media ward round of all the agony aunt columns:
Dear Amanda, Dear Joro, Dear SDK, Dear Linda, Dear BOM…
“Hide my identity please, matured insults only”.
But again, this is not about that…
For the past couple of days, pictures of a (to be unnamed) Nigerian business tycoon, opening his new house with a 2019 Phantom gracing the driveway, had flooded the cyberspace.
I must confess that being that little bit of a minimalist, I cringed at such tacky opulence (in my own humble opinion o, this is my sole opinion abeg).
As I looked back at those pictures, I cast my mind back to Bill Gates sitting in the midst of the opulence and grandeur at Dangote’s daughter’s wedding.
And he was looking like he had suddenly come to the realisation that all the time he was sending “aid” to Nigeria, he was actually being scammed.
You cannot sit in the midst of such flagrant abuse of money and display of stomach churning wealth in the presence of such abject poverty; and not feel like these Naija people don use your head small sha.
Think about it:
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I am not saying that people do not have the right to spend their money any way they want but come on!
In the poverty capital of the world? After Ghana took away the GI and left us as the “ant of Africa”?
Wouldn’t you feel awkward handing out a million dollars in aid to a country where one individual just spent the same amount on a luxury ride?
Again, this is not about that.
This is what THIS is all about
This is about the impressionable young men who gathered on the threads of the display of the mind bending (and I must add eye watering) mansion; and swearing that they too must hammer this onwa December, by force by fire.
This is a passionate appeal to you all.
I know that the temptation to also show that you are ‘among’ is high.
You can’t watch the Malay boys return to open their big mansions, and oppress you with their latest cars, use money to confuse your girlfriends and not feel a bit inadequate.
Even the abroadians who are spending their “time and a half” and incurring credit card debt they hope to be able to pay off over the next fifteen years, will still speak small “i gorra wonna gonna”.
They will still ‘collobi’ the girls you have been eyeing and the ones that were faithfully managing NPower 30k with you.
Then you are seeing such flagrant display of wealth.
I know it is not hard for you to start wondering whether na only you waka come?
Abeg, no be only you waka come.
We many wey dey for the table of “obzagation” while other people spend what looks like the budget for a small African Country, on ordinary Christmas celebrations, so you are not alone.
Please I beg of you, don’t be tempted to start thinking of converting your mother into a pot of gold or having sex with a mentally challenged person sleeping rough on the road.
Don’t enter the lane of kidnapping or turn yourself into a drug mule or anything else that is not pure in order to also follow and do “i makwa ndi anyi bu (do you know whom i am?)” this season.
Most of what you are seeing is wash.
Ask yourself why the herbalist asking you to bring your mother or kidnap a small child or sleep with a mad woman in order to see stupendous wealth, has not done any of the things he has asked you to do.
Why is he still living in poverty? Is he allergic to wealth? Are his sons allergic to wealth?
What of his nephews, nieces, cousins… heck, is there no random stranger in his village that wants to be stupendously rich?
All na job. All man dey hustle hin own. If mugu fall, guy man go chop.
Stay away from anything that is not pure.
Eschew envy and push yourself to pursue legitimate enterprise and work harder and smarter at it.
Because last, last, this will be the only time I will show any form of concern.
Every other time, na to dey read una story dey laugh or emote, as the case may be.
Even if they catch you with drugs in any of the zero tolerance countries and schedule you for death by hanging, I shall not climb down from this my ‘obzagation post’ to do any solidarity post for any of you o, not at all!
Christmas will come and go and people will return to wherever they came from, to go and face the mounting debts they incurred thinking they were coming to pepper you.