Dear Facebook Feminists,
Why are you all so angry?
What exactly are all these issues you have with men and women and children and yourselves and marriage and etc and etc?
Who spat in your akamu?
I get that we are Nigerians and there is this burning desire to complicate the stupid out of issues or else, we find it difficult to relate, but then surely it gets to a point where too much is more than enough?
Are you at that point yet?
Or do we have to suffer a few more years of your mindless ramblings?
See, you claim to advocate for EQUALITY, nehi?
Equal rice for woman beans, okwa ya?
So how come this equal rice you claim to fight for and believe in, is beginning to look a whole lot more like “pepper dem” and “return fire for fire”? If you keep harping about equality, surely you would see how unequal it is when you begin to tamp down on the rights of the male of the species simply because of “years of oppression and subjugation of the female of the species”.
I don’t understand, how do you produce equality by tipping the scales so overboard in favour of one sex?
You know, we all know what we are doing when we begin to classify you all thusly:
Don’t know the difference?
Okay, I’d be happy to lend a hand:
1. Feminists: of which there are few and far between, these ones do not see the need to announce their feminism like they have just been granted a pass to ride a circus Ferris wheel free of charge.
Most are married, happily so, the male and female of the species. Most are working hard behind the scenes to correct the imbalances in society and ensure that every human has a voice, an equal opportunity at every chance and that society does not treat one of the species as a second class citizen.
They do this mostly quietly.
You and I see the results only.
We benefit from these results and as soon as we latch on, we proceed to taint it by association with our oluwole brand of feminism.
Like I said, few and far between.
2. Nigerian feminists: most of these are unmarried and unschooled girls between the ages of 18 and 25.
Littered all over social media, they have a loooooooooong litany of things they will NOT take from a man, especially in the name of marriage.
For instance, they will not: cook, clean, sweep, bathe, turn on the generator, pick up their own bills, contribute to the home, take care of the kids, have sex outside of the roster in their heads, have any sort of relationship whatsoever with their in laws, take “nonsense” from anyone, buy a house in conjunction with their spouse, respect anyone but themselves or be human.
Their future husbands on the other hand, must be able to: cook, clean, sweep, bathe, turn on the generator, pick up everybody’s bills, take care of all the household expenses, take care of the kids, have sex whenever the woman demands, tolerate their in-laws, absorb nonsense like a brand new sponge, buy a house in their wife’s name only, respect everyone and be super human.
Small wonder this particular breed of “feminists” are on social media everyday, writing long epistles to their future “husbands”. The generation that is most likely to marry them too are reading these epistles and nodding their head in awe.
As in, “continue”!
3. Facebook feminists: All they know about feminism, they read off the social media pages of the “feminists” in number 2 above.
So they see all the “likes” the ones above are accumulating and they think, “I can do this too”. And so they begin to write every jargon that comes into their head.
Today, they take one position and tomorrow like an experienced commercial sex worker, they have flipped that same position. Up today, down tomorrow. Straight up today, from behind tomorrow.
Flip-flopping; hormonal; perpetually pmsing; bouncing off walls; irritable spider monkeys… this particular brand of “feminists” are missionaries without a mission. Activists without any action. They blow in every direction the wind chooses. Everybody around them cringes.
One day, melt down.
Live facebook broadcast.
Deactivates account for a month or two.
Returns as “Jesus Bae” or a Holy Ghost fire breathing, aunty gbagada demon.
4. Angry feminists: These ones have an angst. Their angst is a three letter swear word with a third leg.
Their only angst.
Some man must have walked all over them and treated them like shit and taken a hold of their heart and ripped it out of their chest and stamped all over it in the gutter.
And one day when they raise their eyes from the depths of the despair occasions by heartbreak, they see a “feminist” in category (2) and (3) above, plying their expired goods on social media. They think, “I can do this”.
And voila, a “feminist” is born.
The three letter word human with the third leg is the sum total of all their angst. He is the aggressor, the last sin eater, the monster that must be emasculated into quivering submission; and they spare no stone unturned in ensuring that every single word they write as a “feminist”, a “bad ass feminist” no less, is dripping with all the hurt and bitterness and anger and heartbreak that one human inflicted on them.
Sometimes they even forget themselves and declare that “all men are dogs and goats”.
If you are tired of life and want to commit suicide by social media abuse, ask them where their father is chained and if they have fed their brothers grass for the day.
5. Feminazis: Sum total of their feminism?
“I will not…”
“I will not…”
“I will not…”
“I will not…”
You know what? We have heard your long list of the things you will not do, and we do not particularly care. Matter of fact, We have heard it so many times that you are now downright boring.
Get back to us when you finally find something you WILL do to advance the cause of feminism.
Of which there are plenty.
Real life issues.
Affecting real life women.
Ninety percent of whom do not have access to social media.
You too, continue!
Life is really too short to continue to pay heed to all these contrived issues and manufactured angsts, but let me attempt a quick master class in Feminism 101:
> If your brand of feminism has tipped the scales so far back that the men are considering setting up a malelist movement to begin to fight for equality, then you are not a feminist. We are not hamsters, we do not want to be stuck going round and round the same point daily. Whenever the spirit of mischief begins to fall on you, remember the key word “equality”, and take a chill pill.
> If you feel the need to berate a fellow woman for choosing to be a housewife or to be the “neck” in her marital situation or for just making choices YOU would ordinarily not make; then step on over to the right, and join us non feminists.
We are constantly recruiting.