June 19, 2018

Dear men, this is how to commit adultery – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Dear men, this is how to commit adultery – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Do men realise just how much the world has changed?

Sometimes I don’t think they do.

In our society, shame has always been a tool used to oppress women. To make them hide injustice because they do not want to be labelled. Women get raped and keep quiet because saying someone had sex with her, albeit forcefully, is always to their shame. Nothing can take away that she was penetrated and the defilement is hers. No one wants to be labelled a slut. Women hid ‘vices’ like drinking and smoking because if they ever did that openly, they would be labelled. Don’t forget that people will tell them that these things will reduce their ‘wife material’.

Slowly things are changing.

Women are getting tired of keeping quiet. Women are tired of the hypocritical labelling that allows only men to do certain things.

If you are on Facebook, then you may have come across instances where women have exposed men (especially married men) that hound their inboxes swearing to be single and wanting to marry them.

Men jump from one inbox to another leaving a trail of their mess like goat droppings everywhere. They bank on the albatross around the necks of Nigerian women -the one that makes them keep quiet.

You will find them soliciting for sex, asking for money and promising marriage. When they get sex, they think they have bought this woman’s silence forever. Because no decent girl will have sex with a man she barely knows and tell the whole world about it.

But I am proud to say that the younger women are not burdened by the double edged manipulative word called shame. Not like my age mates. They will screenshot these chats, Dms and keep text messages. They will demand for money they lent to such men and it does not matter what people call them, they are willing to “name and shame”.

I never thought it was possible for a man to be shamed for scamming women out of money and making fake promises of marriage. But I have seen it. Pictures of such men become viral and everyone has a go at them. Allow me to pause and wipe the tear in my eye… such beauty makes me cry.

The only downside is perhaps the man’s family that has to suffer the embarrassment of the indiscretion of philandering men. The wife and kids somehow almost always make the rounds as they are evidence that he lied about his marital status. They do not deserve all the negative attention. The spotlight is for the man and the man alone.

On the recent trials of Apostle Suleiman, we are seeing something happening on a larger scale than we have experienced before. The dirt is oh so dirty with words like threesome, semen and penis size being bantered around.

Now, please note that I am not saying he is guilty. My little experience of social media makes me aware of the fact that stories are made up as easily as typing fiction and labelling it as breaking news. So I emphasize that I do not have enough information to say categorically that he is innocent or guilty.

But my goodness, watching Ms Otobo speak was surreal. Women here rarely come out to speak about trysts that have gone bad. They do not come out knowing that they will be labelled as ‘sluts’, ‘witches’, ‘prostitutes’ and ‘Jezebels’.

Things have changed.

A friend of mine said Ms Otobo will never get married because “Who will marry a girl that has exposed herself as a slut to the nation?”

I reminded him of Ese Walters.

After she came out and accused Pastor Biodun of COZA of extra marital affairs with her, everyone said she was done for.

I believe she shortly got married and even has a child.

Women are not keeping quiet. They are gathering the receipts of all transactions carried out with men and are willing to call these men out.

Men are you hearing me?

The age of  “Chop and clean mouth” is over. Your moments of indiscretion can hurt you, your family or even cost you your job.

A lady once pasted details of a guy’s retinue of side chicks on the wall of a mall in Lagos. She mentioned his work place. The story trended on all the blogs and he lost his job.

Because I am a good woman, I will give you this advice for free.

Be very careful who you tangle yourself up with. SILENCE IS NO LONGER GUARANTEED. Shame is a thing of the past. This is the àge of no shame. These girls are not your mates in this game anymore.

Here we go:

  1. Keep inbox messages impersonal. Call instead. All messages can and will be used against you.
  2. If you decide to face time. No matter what she shows you, keep a serious face. Do not recline on a bed looking half horny. It is not a good look for the blogs.
  3. Do not ever toast these girls via chatting or even via phone calls. Calls can be recorded.
  4. Always be the person to choose the place of rendezvous. There you have control. You are certain that no cameras are hidden. Sufficiently settle security men or gatemen or hotel personnel. No one is allowed to barge in. I recall a university lecturer that was caught pants down because he foolishly followed the girl to her house. He did not know she had set him up.
  5. The first thing you do when you meet up with such girls is you ask them to switch off their phones. You can switch off yours too and pretend not to want distractions. Do not roll off a girl and proceed to sleep as though you just offloaded a truck of cement. She will take your pictures.
  6. Payments must always be cash. Nothing traceable. Do not buy cars or property in your name and gift them to such girls.
  7. NEVER EVER think these girls are in love with you. It is rarely about your personality. It is mostly your pocket. A filled up pocket has a way of growing receding hairlines, flattening pot bellies and adding inches to sturdy Johnson (also known as penis). The day your pocket becomes empty, your real face will come out and it will not be adequate.
  8. Do you remember the case of those Indian Canadian girls that were blackmailing the big big men of this our country? These men were connected enough to stay on top of the situation. Their nudes will never leak. If you do not know anybody, then act with caution. You may find yourself handing all your earnings in the fear of disgrace to a 300L UniLag girl.
  9. If all fails, use a faceless “Olosho” who is in it for the earnings of the night. She knows the drill. The contract is spelt out. Chop your fast food and leave restaurant without owing.

I know I should not be advising men on how to commit adultery without being caught in a blackmail web. The truth is I am secretly hoping they will see that fidelity is less stressful and cheaper by far. Have you watched the animation movie “How to train your dragon?” It is possible to train that worm in your boxers. It takes practice and discipline and hard work. Make that dragon spit fire at only your madam.

Fidelity is cheaper.

We the madams are not that bad. If we are managing only you then manage only us. Biko.

I cannot come and be doing video and swearing on top of 20 year old marriage.


(Did you notice how I started all serious and writerly and then ended up with biko? Somewhere along the line, Obiageli Fire my alter ego took over the article. She hates adultery. Especially when gehfriend dey drive G Wagon and madam dey manage 1997 camry that spends more time with Alfa the mechanic than with her)


Read more from Abiodun

Sister, you can marry a younger man – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

How to know a Nigerian parent – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

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