September 21, 2018

Dear President Trump, How dare you call our President “lifeless”? – Viola Okolie

Dear President Trump, How dare you call our President “lifeless”?  – Viola Okolie

I don’t understand. What did you ask for at that meeting – a meeting with a contemporary, or a “proof of life” event?

If it was “a” suffice it to say that his just being there and twitching once in a while, should have been sufficient for you. How dare you insult the giant of Africa by insinuating that our President was just standing there looking like statue and only jerking alive when he hears the trigger words “Fulani Herdsmen”, “Boko Haram” and “Helicopter”?

Wait. What were you expecting? To hold an animated conversation with him?

In what language pray tell? There may never be enough translators to handle a five minute conversation between you and him, and usually when he attempts to sound knowledgeable on issues that expand beyond his cattle ranch in Daura, it is usually a facepalm moment for all involved.

If you ask me, in the interest of all Nigerians, it was better for us that he sat with you and pretended to be alive, than that he opened his mouth and we had to endure being the butt of the world’s jokes until you (or any other world leader who is willing to oblige us) comes up with some gaffe that will top it.

As it stands now, you have made us the butt of jokes, and we are not happy.

Have you not heard that what we sent to that meeting is not even the real Buhari? Oh wait you didn’t hear? I see!

Well, according to Nnamdi Kanu (last seen dodging bullets from Buhari’s operation Python Dance at about this time last year and current existence in clear doubt), the real Buhari is lying down ahem, well, how do I say this without appearing to corroborate your slight on our country? well, emmmm…

Okay.

According to Nnamdi Kanu and FFK, the reaaaaal Buhari is lying down *whispers* lifeless in a British hospital somewhere, and the person you met with is supposedly a body double imported somewhere from around that kain Sudan side.

Ergo, you didn’t even meet with our President but with a celebrity impersonator, real name Jubrilu al Sudani ibn Buhari the 3rd.

Sontin like that.

So just to let you know that this “ella” that you planned to use and curve us in public, na over the bar. In the real sense of it, no be us you curse. No be our President, na impersonator.

Our President may be so many things, but he is most definitely not lifeless and we – yes, especially those of us who celebrated the former President being called “clueless”, “ineffectual buffoon”, “drunkard”, etc – we are not happy with the temerity and the concobility of the liberty you have taken upon yourself to so desecrate the “sacred” office of the Nigerian President.

An office that we (those of us who are very very angry with this lifeless tag), once desecrated so much that we hung a placard on a goat and labelled the placard with the name of the ex-President. We also once celebrated a hoary haired old hypocritical Nobel prize winner who labelled an ex-President’s wife a “shepopotamus”. We love and respect that office so much that we hurled personal insults at the last person to occupy it before Buhari, even questioning his academic achievements. We issued death threats on him, his children and anyone who remotely looked like they supported him.

Matter of fact, our respect for that office is so yuuuuuuje, that when he went to the Northern states where the current president has a massive cult like following, we pelted him with pure water bags, stones, rotten fruit and actually attempted to assassinate a sitting president just because he ventured into a region we felt was the enclave of Buhari. Then to further cement our respect for that office, we used water (which is a scarce commodity in those Northern states and have to be bought in 25ltr gallons), to wash the tyre treads of his convoy off of the streets.

Selective memory na pikin wey enter him mama belle from backyard sha.

Anyway, that was us.

We have a right to disrespect our President in very cringeworthy methods, but you don’t.

Next time, if you are looking for more accurate descriptors for the worst president ever liveth, permit Aunty Fawo to help you out.

You can describe him as: The Unaware Presido – by his own admittance, he remains blissfully unaware of all the carnage his short reign is visiting on the country.

You can also call him the wonderful mathematician – by his calculations, the Nigerian voting demographic is divided into 97% vs 5% (don’t worry if that doesn’t give you 100%, our president has mathematical superpowers); and his understanding of politics is that the 5% who he suspects didn’t vote for him, should be visited with a dancing python if they so much as sneeze.

(Come to think of it, that sounds a little but like y… *sneezes*, gesundheit).

You can also call him the Trekking Presidio. He trekked 800m from his house to the Eid prayer ground, and his online propaganda team since to think that is enough reason to vote him in again in 2019.

You can also refer to him as The Visiting President. We only see him once in a while when he drops in to visit us from London and usually, katakata follows that visit. His deputy “Oshunbarde(?)”, actually manages to do a better job whenever he deputises for him (proof that bread label can never compete with a bonafide university degree, but I digress).

You can also from time to time, salute him as The Flying Dauran. If you calculate the number of frequent flier miles that man has accumulated since becoming President, it is enough for him and his entire family (not to mention his perennial 150 cows), to fly first class all around the world for the next two years. Matter of fact for every 10 hours he spends on ground, he spends 90 hours in the air to only god knows where.

APC. Broom. Flying things? Whom shall we complain to? Who will hear our cry? It is well.

So, the end of this matter, is that you should show some respeck and stop referring to our old man as “lifeless”. Retract that statement (you made in private to your aides), and issue a  disclaimer sharp sharp if not we will…

We will…

Emmmmmm…

Emmmmmm…

We will…

Emmmm…

We will tell our mummy for you!

*snaps finger*

 

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