March 23, 2019

Dear singleton, it’s ok to want marriage-Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Dear singleton, it’s ok to want marriage-Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

There is nothing wrong with being single.

There is nothing wrong with wanting to marry.

The way our society treats single people is shocking. Disparaging statements, blatant disrespect, continual barging with prayers unasked for and questions that should not be answered are some of the things unmarried people face.

If you are woman, you must have played life or were too picky. If you are single because you left a marriage, you are still judged. You should have been patient, one day when he is 80 and barely alive, he will be all yours and will certainly have no strength to flog you…just stay now. Half man is better than none.

If you are a man and you are single. This is actually quite simple. If still below 40, you are too picky as well.

If over 40 you are gayer than a handful of glitter and confetti. If you are divorced and couldn’t keep a wife, something is wrong with you because all women are supposed to want to remain married…how come she agreed to go?

So because of all the scrutiny, single people have no choice but to be defensive.

“I am single and loving it.”

“I am single and no man or woman can improve my life.”

To express the desire to find a mate in some quarters is read as being desperate or unsatisfied with your life.

I hate disturbing single people with advice. It can get sickening as though marriage is the only reason we are on earth. It isn’t.

No, we mustn’t all get married.

But my dear male or female reading this, if you want to get married there is absolutely nothing wrong with that.

You are not less of a feminist for wanting to share your life in law with another person.

You are not a sissy for desiring to find a woman to share your life with and speaking openly about this.

Yes you are a complete human being.

You can live a fulfilled life as a single person.

But if you don’t want to, it is ok to want someone and voice it.

Do not allow anyone shame you for wanting this and actively searching for it.

I am so proud of some of my single friends. They are going on dates, joining Tinder and putting themselves out there with the hope of connecting with someone.

Marriage with a reasonable and good human being is not a bad thing at all. Marrying someone who cares for you and vice versa is a step into the right direction.

If you have left a union and you feel lonely and desire to share your life with another person once again, it is ok. Even if you are 70 and desire to get married, don’t let anyone shame you.

Life is merciless and sometimes downright hard.

There are bills to be paid, frustrations from work and wear and tear that comes from waking up and dealing with things daily.

So if you have someone to talk to. Someone to share victories with. Someone to cry about failures or difficulties with. Someone to laugh with. Someone to fight with. Someone to ignore. Someone who is worrying about the fact that it is late and you are not yet home. If you have these things, you will understand why two is better than one.

When my mother died. I could not speak about it even with my husband. And I could not sleep. At night, I would get so forlorn that I would reach out to place my hand on him just to reassure myself of the presence of another human close to me.

Single parents do a fantastic job. But when you have a partner in every sense of the word worrying with you about all the things you worry about when you have children, it is a burden made lighter.

Have you ever been so sick at night and no one was there to care for you and you got worried that you would die alone?

Or being on admission in the hospital and you have to send for a sibling or parent to come over and care for you?

These are the things partners do for each other.

Even physically sharing your body with someone you are married to is different. You don’t worry what they will think about you. And if they are faithful, you do not worry about sexual history and stds. You do not have to worry about seeming easy or having to pay or impress someone just to ‘cool body’ small. (Ok, I may be a tad little simplistic here…marriage has its issues.)

When I started dating, I was in the university. I used to afraid of bringing up marriage because I had this fear that I would come off as pressuring my then boyfriend. Now, I see that it is not pressure to want a defined relationship that is working towards something specific.

And relationships should always be reviewed so that if at any point the things you want are different, you find ways to meet or part on time.

One of the things I have learnt is that, if you want to get married, don’t tie yourself up for years with one individual. Especially if you are a woman. You cannot get your fertile years back. Do not be so afraid of losing a relationship that you remain put with someone you are not sure wants what you want.

Ughh… I am doing what I hate. Giving relationship advice.

But marriage is important if you want it. You cannot get a back rub from a gold medal. Your bank account cannot wake up at night and ask you if you are ok because you are sitting on the edge of the bed thinking.

And if this is what you want; to share your life with someone, there is nothing to be ashamed of.

And if you are divorce or widowed, do not let people or yourself stand in your way. It is ok to allow yourself love and be loved again. A bad experience is twice as bad when it stands as a road block to your future.

Just shine your eyes a lirrle bit. That is all.

If you are having a difficult time in your marriage and your life or sanity is not in danger, don’t be shamed into leaving when you don’t want to. Don’t be ashamed of forgiving cheating partners or trying to help a partner stand on their feet financially. Marriage is not linear, it is an undulating curve with highs and lows and usually stabilizes at some point.

Marriage is noble. The idea of it is noble.

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