In case you have not heard, it is assets declaration season in Nigeria.
It is the season of change and since old things have passed away and all things will become new from the moment the current President decides to sit at home and face Naija’s wahala, it is becoming increasingly expedient to declare your assets now before the wind of change catches up with you.
Fast-forward to a certain senator who has been force feeding us with grotesquely obscene pictures of cars, gold plated houses, beds that look suspiciously like they would crumble under the weight of the owner, customised bottles of expensive liquor and so on and so forth.
Make una no vex o, na God.
Perhaps it would do him good to also seize this opportunity to sneak in the declaration of some other assets, you know, the type that crawl around the house and consume copious quantities of cerelac and frisocrem. Who knows, since we are in the season of forgiveness, we can consider removing him from the Nigerian politicians’ hall of shame and stop washing our ears out with soda soap each time we hear the mention of his name.
This other governor, in the “factory, factory, factory, factory… industry, industry, industry, industry” state takes a novel approach to declaring his assets. Quite simple if you consider it critically.
Okay, cyberspace was agog with news of how aghast the President was at hearing that said governor lives in a N1bn mansion (well, since the grapevine insists the President himself owns a N2.1bn mansion, it is safe to assume that a huge chunk of the shock was acid reflux or indigestion or something), and so the smart governor decides that the best way to declare his assets was to decree that the state was indebted to him.
So workers in that state should stop complaining about eleven months of unpaid salary. They are simply repaying the magnanimity of the governor in lending them money to build bridges with 6 inches blocks; and auditoriums that collapse as soon as the chief launcher turns his back.
Talking about unpaid salaries, this other kortuma short knicker wearing governor decides his own approach would be to feign confusion and ask for a bail out. You see, if his state is officially so poor that they can owe 8 months of salary, all the while peddling tales by moonlight of school feeding and non existent federal allocations, then who are you to judge whatever wealth you see around him and his family?
He is poor because his state is poor. End of…
Chai, when I recall those huge pieces of meat and catfish that looked like whales in the pre-election propaganda campaigns, I weep for those poor children. It is not easy to be mesmerised and tantalised with food beyond your wildest imaginations only to be told to keep swallowing your saliva because the meals were just film trick.
Then the khaki wearing governor trumps them all. A few days to shanji, he declares his assets…
Standing head and shoulders above him, with skin the colour of properly ripened pawpaw, his declared asset stoked the envy of every red blooded male on social media. Una no vex, everyone is at liberty to decide whether to invest in their stomachs or their loins – all na asset.
So, I would like to suggest to all Nigerians to jump unto the assets declaration bandwagon, do not be left behind. Declare your assets now and receive amnesty.
Husbands, declare your side chicks and any offspring you have been nurturing outside, it is a new dawn. Shanji has come to Nigeria and in the spirit of change, madam will understand.
Madams, declare all the property you have been acquiring without oga’s knowledge. Unburden yourselves now and receive pardon. Declare the true identity of your father’s, brother’s, nephew’s, niece’s, first cousin’s, second cousin’s, grandmother’s godson. The one that has been squatting in your BQ and has been collecting small small dash from oga for “services rendered” when oga’s back is turned.
Parents, declare your real grades to your children. Don’t worry, your inability to execute a simple multiplication of fractions for their homework has probably alerted them to the fact that you were indeed first from behind when you were in school.
Side chicks, go and reveal yourselves to the madam of the house.
Employees, declare your assets, stop going to work in adigbolija cars held together with rubber band and stapling pins, rock your state of the art machines. Your employer has no choice but to embrace your inexplicable wealth and ignore all those unreconciled and irreconcilable accounts, change is here.
Everybody, seize this opportunity to come clean now.
Declare your assets.
Shanji is here!
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