I can smell it already.
No, not my jollof rice which I have obviously left on the stove while aimlessly daydreaming – although now that I have mentioned it would be a good time to go and check and see how much of the burnt rice still looks white enough for human consumption.
Yeah, where were we? Ok, I smelt something – the elections. The tension is beginning to mount in the land and if you reach out your hand, you can touch it. That is how thick it is, almost like all those thick slabs of bread, plastered with an artery blocking layer of blue band margarine you see in the adverts. Anyway, it is crucial and extremely critical to drop some helpful tips on how to survive this era. Seriously, you can thank me later…
- You see that fence? That one you claim to be sitting on? Biko, ejoor, I beg you in all the languages you know and then some, get off that fence! Especially if you are an avid user of social media. See ehn, in the duel the two main camps are waging, the ultimate prize is the soul of every undecided voter (fence sitter). Adherents of the two major political parties will curse you, cajole, threaten, entice, attempt to entrap, curse you again and threaten you again if you are naïve enough to open your wide mouth and say, “ayyam neutral, ayyam does not have candidate, neither of them is werking for me”.
Hmmmm, get ready to hear the words like “political illiterate”, “political naivete”, “hypocrite”, “ignorant”, “sanctimonious” and even gutter language hurled by those who would rather increase their temper while leaving their pitiful engagement skills untouched. Dem go curse you enter ground so it is either you shift your orobokibo bum-bum off that fence, or get extra bullet proof, or deactivate your social media accounts.
- Enhen, so you decided to come off the fence ehn kwa? Okay, repeat after me as loudly and slowly as you can, there are only two political parties in Nigeria. PDP and the others! Don’t worry about the noisemakers claiming to peddle change. They are every-where waving their brooms and screaming “change”, “change”, meanwhile the streets are still littered with trash.
After spraying saliva all over you, they drop the broom in the nearest dump and increase the litter in the area, collect their agbadas all around them, share out small dash to the local miscreants to attack anyone not singing the shanje mantra and go on their merry way. Now, since you are holding a broom and yelling change, why not just bend down and actually use that broom for the purpose for which it was originally intended? Sweep the streets!
- Go and collect your PVCs. You see that tiny card, on which everybody’s picture manages to look like Fiona (if they are feminine), or Shrek (if they are masculine), those things are the keys to ensure that you keep the broom holders sweeping for another four years. Do not form “I am neutral, I do not agree with any of the two candidates”, and refuse to go and collect your PVCs from the polling booths o! Collect them, hold them tight, check on them every 5 minutes to make sure they are still in your wallets because evil people masquerading as weenches and weezards full everywhere.
They have magnets that can ‘magnet’ your card out of your wallets and follow them home such that on that day, while you are sitting at home forming neutral while frying your brain cells with an overdose of telemundo, somebody who does not physically look like you in anyway whatsoever will be answering your papa name and voting for you elsewhere.
- Come election day, carry your two left legs off that stool, reach for the remote, turn off the television, drag your body over to the polling booths and force your thumb to vote. Pless ya finger on the Umblella!
Jokes apart, you might decide to boycott the process because you feel the two major contenders do not measure up to expected standards, but look at the options you have before you critically. Consider well and ask yourself if the change you want has truly come or NOT, and take a firm decision based on that. Do not disenfranchise yourself and then return to moan when the person you would NOT have voted begins to lead you. Earn yourself the right to complain (since complaining is the Nigerian National Pastime), and exercise your right to vote.
Shikena. May it not be for lack of effort on your part that your preferred candidate loses.
Make a decision
Go and collect ya PVCs
For God and Country!
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