March 26, 2017

The virgin and the missing budget – Viola Okolie

The virgin and the missing budget – Viola Okolie

When we were at the University, one extremely spiritual student got missing.

Apparently, she left school for their home in Kaduna on a Friday with the intention of returning on a Sunday to enable her attend lectures the next day.

Yudala Jan Ad

Because Zaria was not that far from Kaduna, sometimes when those of us who lived “near away” went home to replenish the food stores for the month, we could decide to leave KD as early as 5 am on a Monday morning instead of returning on Sunday.

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You’d be back in school by 6.30 am and could meet up with the earliest lectures. So, when our friend’s roomies didn’t see her on Sunday, they simply assumed she would be back the next morning.

By Monday mid-day, they felt she would be back later, maybe something happened to keep her back at home but by Tuesday morning, everyone was slightly worried. She had missed a full day of lectures and was heading into the second day. This was not the era of GSM phones so there was no way anyone could reach her or vice versa.

This was also the period when, perhaps trying to scare girls to walk the straight and narrow, lots of stories were flying around about how a girl who disappeared from campus was found dead with her vital organs harvested; or another went off with so and so Aristo and a snake was used to sex her in order to replenish the Aristo’s spiritual bank vault; or how the other girl followed some boys off for a party and they had an accident and she died … etc.

But none of these scenarios could happen to “sista” now, she was a church girl, squeaky clean.

Anyway, her roommates pooled together funds and went off to the telephone call centre which was the only means of communicating with the outside world then, and called Sista’s home and for the first time, her bewildered parents heard that she was meant to have come for the weekend.

Immediately, a massive search for the lost girl began. By wednesday morning, posters bearing her pictures were put up all over campus, people made announcements in various halls, her parents relocated to the school guest house and the search was on!

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Thursday evening, “Sista” walked into the campus only to discover that in her absence, Clymene the goddess of renown, fame and infamy had visited and bestowed her kind wishes on her.

See celebrity (of dubious honour)!

Not a small sontin.

The campus erupted in celebrations, it was wild and no holds barred. Especially when Sista told stories of how she had flagged a cab which stopped to pick her up and the car had veered into the bush and stopped at a shrine. All the occupants in the car were meant to be slaughtered, but the shrine rejected her because she was still a virgin.

Alleluya someborri?

Hmmm, saved by her virginity, the bad guys had no other option than to release her from captivity after three days and she spent a lot of time wandering the bush. Ravens brought meat to her with their beaks while she camped out by a brook of fresh running water whose trail she followed daily till she got to town – oh wait, that was prophet Elijah in the bible.

Anyhow, how she made her way back to campus is immaterial. The important thing is that Artemis, the Greek god of virginity had her back because not only did she find her way back to campus alive and well, she was looking like someone who had just stepped out of a sauna. Her clothes were clean and crisper and looked more like the wearer had been through a one hour bus journey  rather than a one week adventure in the woods.

Amen somebody?

You don’t kwelshun the miracles, you just celebrate them.

Sooooo, since Sista’s parents did not want “stories that touch” around their daughter again, or for anything to harm her precious virginity in case she needed it to rescue her from a tight spot again, they mounted a guard of honour around her. Moved her into a BQ and her mum and sister moved in with her.

It was so bad that she even had an escort to take a shit break – azzin, no breathing space.

That was why when Sista started vomiting, her parents happily bought malaria drugs. When she started spitting all over campus like a cobra, they dewormed her. When her belly started swelling, they bought her Andrew’s Liver Salt… until one day, her mother’s eyes just “opened” sharp sharp and she saw the light.

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“Sista, when last did you see your menses?”

“Yesterday.”

“Okay. Yesterday ehn kwa? No problems.

“The next day, her mother bundled her off to the hospital and surprise, surprise… an immaculate conception had happened!

Our virgin sista, was pregna…

Enhen, the testimony of the lost and found of a few short months back was revisited, and a very surprised young man somewhere in Kaduna who had no idea why his inamorata suddenly disappeared, was visited by a very angry father and brothers.

Apparently, sista had met broda on her way back from Kaduna the last time and they had been happy to get to know each other. In fact they were sooooo happy that they had fixed a date for the next weekend, she would tell her roommates she was going home. Unfortunately, when they engaged themselves in that sontin, it was soooooo sweet that the sweetness did not permit them to release each other until Thursday when sista reluctantly came back to the campus to prepare to go home for real the next day, and walked into instant stardom and a welcoming committee.

Don’t ask me how the story ended, I am not a family member. All I know is that broda and sista are supposed to refund us all the rejoicing we rejoiced at her narrow escape at the hands of phantom kidnappers and all the thanksgiving we held. I think they even owe us for retelling their “testimonies” over and over again, even now.

It is not fair. It is fraud. Corruption.

Enhen, so the moral of the story is: Do not despair over Nigeria’s missing #BudgetOfYams. It will soon return from the hands of kidnappers. The god of mischief Loki (known in Nigeria as Lai) is watching over it.

Whether it will be fatter or leaner is what I can’t tell you now. The only assurance I can give, is that like in the story of Sista, any explanations you receive as to it’s whereabouts however long or short the disappearance, is a fa fa fa… fabu!

Radi8
InnJoo Reborn

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18 Comments

  1. Nwafor Emmanuel

    Jesus!!! You are too good!!! I love this… I for add I love you join sha, but I dont need father and numerous brothers ”queshioning” my Inamorata…

    Reply
  2. Ronnie

    Laughed out at the story of Sista but it is a sad allegory of what is happening in Nigetia right now. How can the budget disappear? Are we mumus? Haba! Who prepared the budget? Did the person not save it before sending it to the boss for review? Or was it not copied somewhere? Honestly, this comedy of the absurd should stop jare. The government should stop insulting our collective intelligence!

    Reply
  3. Ninilola

    Comment…my umbrella, hummmm very very thought provoking. I love the innuendo you laced the story with. Hummm, am sure the budget will appear. And if the budget does not return back to our National Assembly, isn’t there a computer copy, or even a photocopy? Abii, our senators no dey do photocopy????

    Reply
  4. Victor

    ROFLMAO (That’s still in use, right?!) Good piece and the analogy is spot on. As for the #BudgetOfYams that has taken flight, my only reaction..#YeyeDeySmell!

    Reply
  5. Onyi

    I remember a similar incident. When her stomach started swelling, see casting and binding by prayer warriors. She kinda forgot to tell them that she had done something with broda. Even though broda promised that he has a technique that will guarantee her virginity is still there for their wedding night some time in the future

    Reply
  6. Bulus

    Lolsss… We need to re-visit sister, so she can give us hint on how to trace the missing budget since she’s got the experience.

    Reply

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