August 14, 2018

Forget kindness, see how to make a marriage last – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Forget kindness, see how to make a marriage last – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

I don’t know what is wrong with women of nowadays! (I love the word nowadays, it sounds very Nigerian.) Common simple marriage una no fit keep like your mothers did.

That was how Tiwa’s marriage crashed and then Ronke Shonde backed her head on the floor and killed herself.

Is marriage rocket science? Our ancestors that successfully lived in polygamous unions did not even know the theory of relativity.

Yep. it's a contract. What do you think you're signing on your wedding? A cheque?
Yep. it’s a contract. What do you think you’re signing on your wedding? A cheque?

You are now educated and to stay in husband’s house is a big problem.

So Obiageli Fire (my altar ego) has some very tested and trusted tips on how to keep a marriage. Please note that this advice is only for women. It is impossible for a man to mess up marriage. If you see a bad marriage, the woman is not doing her work. SIMPLE!

1. Have you eaten? Simple question abi? WRONG. One of the most common indices in a failed marriage is the failure of a wife to meet her basic duty of cooking. If God wanted men to cook, he would have let them come out of the womb with aprons just like women. My apron was blue sef. Some of these women that men allowed to be educated think that having busy jobs is an excuse not to cook, stay there. Once your husband starts eating outside, you are done for. I don’t care if you were in Chicago twerking to your fans yesterday night. If you did not prepare delicious soups in old ice cream bowls and placed in the freezer for him, YOU HAVE FAILED. So, always ask if he has eaten, what he wants to eat and whether it is too hot (so that you can blow on it) or if it is too cold so that you can keep an open flame under the food while he eats. You went to school, you can figure out how to do that.

2. Always serve Oga by yourself. Always my fellow slaves… I mean women. He is a king and should be treated likewise. Use your best dishes and stand before him till he tells you to sit with him.

3. Do not have a nanny, sisters or female friends living with you in your house. Please read the sentence again. You see, men are men and they were made with very little self-control. When a man is in a house which is his castle or jungle (He is the Lion), everything in the house is fair game. It is like asking a Lion to take care of a goat. If you bring in another woman and your husband falls, it is your fault. Like it is said in the bible (I can’t remember where exactly), “Thine body, ye man, isn’t wood.” So always bear that in mind.

4. You must be sexy at all times. I DON’T CARE how many children you have, or how busy you are, you must look like a Hollywood actress all the time. Your pregnancies must be sexy with cute little baby bumps. You should do something about your stretchmarks and your tummy must snap back to pre-pregnancy shape even if you had a CS. Did you not see Kate Middleton after her two babies? Does she have two heads? See ehn, if your husband is looking outside, it is your fault for not giving him enough interesting things to see. No smelly hairnets, wrappers around the chest and no smelly poop or smelly mouth when you wake up. But be careful not to be too beautiful. If you are, then he will be uncomfortable and start thinking you are doing it to attract other men. Be pretty but not too much o, ok?

5. SEX SEX SEX. I cannot emphasize this enough. However and whenever he wants it. Do not demand to be satisfied, a woman that wants satisfaction all the time comes off as a prostitute. In a prostitute, the man can accept it but you are his wife after all, so needed decorum should be exercised at all times. You are lucky you even have a husband with a working penis. There is an adage in a traditional Yoruba Poem (gotten from Poems of Black Africa as compiled by Wole Soyinka) that says, “A woman cannot look at a penis without being glad.” So women, be grateful there is a penis available and feel free to ogle and worship it.

6. RESPECK RESPECK RESPECK… ok it is respect but I prefer it Birdman style, it is more emphatic. You were living the shameful life of a single woman, being disrespected upandan. One day, this god sent man came and promoted you to be a Member of the Respected Society (MRS) and changed your life forever. People stopped calling you by name. Your shiny double rings glint in the sun proudly affirming you have arrived. My sisters how can you turn around and disrespect him? I even hear some of you call your husbands by their names. What happened to ‘daddy’? Or Oga? Or Baban mu (our father)? Did you know the first name of your father growing up? My father was Baban Funke and my husband is Papa Ryan. Also, greet them properly. You can kneel or drop a curtsy. NEVER ever allow your female friends call him by name, it doesn’t matter if they knew him since he was in diapers.

7. Money matters. I know you feel like your parents sponsored your education and all, but when you got married, your husband paid them off. He owns you and your certificates. If he says stop working, stop working. If you work, you must submit your full salary to him. He is the head of the house, after all. He will decide how all will get spent and even give you an allowance from it. Don’t worry yourself about the big big decisions, they are too complex for your female brain. Daddy will take care of it. Do not compare him to other men, if he gives you 100 bucks, manage it and use your brain to make the best of it.

8. Give him at last one male child. Speak to your eggs. A man is not a man till he has an heir. It is your duty to climb the highest ‘ori oke’ and swim the deepest ocean to get this male child. Besides, your leg will not be strong in the family if you are producing the weaker sex. But once he has a son, then you can relax, your lot is secure in the house.

9. Do not talk back. Do not confront him. Do not nag. Do not argue with him. If he beats you, he can’t have done that without any reason. Check yourself and make sure you are not asking for the beating. Even a mad man will have to be provoked before lashing out. If he beats you, make sure you find out what you are missing and redress. If you can’t see any reason, then maybe it is your cross. Carry it without complaining.

10. War Room. Have you watched the movie? Go and find it. A prayerful woman builds her home. If he cheats, pray. If he beats you, pray. If he stops providing, pray. If he insults you, pray. If he disappears for months, pray. If he marries another woman, pray. Prayer is the master key. And do not blame him please. He is being manipulated by spirits. If you are patient, you will be the last woman standing, even if you are 70 years old then. The last 5 to 10years of your life will be peaceful.

This is the foundation of successful marriages; ask anybody. All this stubborn woman thing will not take you anywhere. Do you want to go back to the ‘singu’ life again? Stay there even if you mistakenly die, if you die at least be consoled by the fact that you died married.

Tenks…

“Papa Ryan… have you eaten?” (Running after him in high heels and mini skirt…)

Read more from Abiodun

Nigeria is full of witches – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Thou shall not owe – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Hollywood movie sex vs Real life sex – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

 

Related posts

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *