Whoever the great Philosopher was that wrote those famous words “Ashewo no be work” into the script for Domitilla* has clearly, never lived in Germany.
What’s that? You have never heard of the film Domittila? Sigh. Domitilla is the reason anybody, from Olamide to Rasquie or the random danfo driver uses the word to describe their sister, not me.
The film was produced by Zeb Ejiro, and Anne Njemanze was the star. Remember?
Look, after reading you will see a youtube link at the bottom, watch but for now let me continue the gist that brought me here.
How will someone from the abroad be the one teaching you about one of the films that put Nollywood on the map, after Living in Bondage.
Pardon? Please do not ask me about Living in Bondage. Hand in your Nigerian passport if you do not know it. Revoke your citizenship and just know we are not mates if you don’t know that film. Ehen.
Now, where was I?
Ashewo fit no be work elsewhere but for Germany na better work.
Disclaimer: At this point please if you are under the age of 18, borrowed your Pastor’s Ipad to read this, or are in the BRT bus on the way to Choir practice… please log out of this article and face your work.
Don’t let the devil use you.
Ashewo is such serious work that we have the largest prostitution market in Europe – as at last count there were 400,000 registered opios servicing the blokos and all other things of 1.2million men, every day. Just two years after legalizing prostitution and brothels in 2004, the ashewo market made the same amount of money as Porsche or Adidas – EUR6bn. Now those who know these things say the industry is estimated to be worth EUR15bn
Fifteen billion Euros of Kerewa. #BlurrofJizzos
*Sprinkles holy water*
Europe’s biggest brothel, the 12-story Pascha, in Cologne, Germany
Germans don invent t-t- meter
In Germany, Ashewo is not only work, it is treated like a profession here too.
Those who say, “t-t- no dey read meter” are also in for a shock if they visit the city of Bonn. There, they tax the vaginas of prostitutes. Yes o. Before you can walk on the street to search for customers to blow or hump, you have to pay for a ticket, much like the way people with cars pay for parking.
Before you parade your scantily-clad buttock on the street, you will go to a meter – yes it is an actual meter – pay up and get a receipt which permits you to sell your market, sorry I mean ply your trade. I heae the t-t- ticket is valid from 8:15pm every evening until 6am the next day, and is about EUR6 or anywhere from N1,188 to N2, 400, depending on whether you are using pilgrimage-inducing exchange rates or thieving-Nigerian-bank exchange rates.
As I am new here I initially wanted to ask M to find out the rates for me, whenever he goes to Bonn for research purposes…but because I am not ready to hear #StoryForTheGods I kept my mouth like Arisekola’s lizard-riddled mansion – on permanent lockdown.
And this t-t- ticket they sell in Bonn is serious “internally-generated revenue” as we call it in Nigeria. In the first year alone, the city made over EUR35,000 from selling ticket to ashis. (Ambode, are you reading this? I want my commission o)
You read right. Over NGN12million made from taxing women’s vaginas. You can see that here, like Ambode, ashewo is working! IGR drive toh badt.
This Germany would give Gomorrah a run for its shekels, or whatever currency they used in Biblical times. Their mates are doing all you can eat buffet for Chinese food but in some cities they are doing “all you can fuck” brothel upandan.
For 60euros men can have as much sex as they want, in intervals of 20 minutes at a time. Meaning? You go, kerewa for 20 minutes…walk away to the sauna or have a shower, have some of the free alcohol and snacks provided or some Viagra (not provided, pervert) and…return to continue.
Dear Amsterdam, you seem to be learning work where Germany is. Walahi.
Unable to can with the Verrichtungsbox
The most amazing thing of all this? The Verrichtungsbox. This literally translates to “getting things done box.”
Local authorities build drive-in stalls so people can get a car quickie with prostitutes. Don’t have a car but have a throbbing penis? Well, some prostitutes have their own car on standby and are ready to drive you and that penis to the Verrichtungsbox. As in. How’s that for German efficiency?
When I first heard I went: “Hell-ho-hell” as in…LOL.
See an example of a verrichtungsbox below.
Lwkmd. Abeg, do not think I am saying all this to deride the trade; I am merely educating y’all. In fact, there are some highlights, like: prostitution is limited to certain areas in most States, sometimes as low as just 3% of city-area (Munich); new laws are also being proposed that could see pimps and even the men who knowingly engage victims of forced prostitution jailed.
Then in Hamburg alone (where M is from), at least 153 prostitutes have registered with the tax office and can claim benefits when they retire or are forced to by uhm, work-related accidents. This is one of the reasons why I married a Hamburger, yes. My inlaws are so law-abiding.
So speaking of marriage, I am very glad I live in this little Trier, where I have never seen “All you can f-ck” signboards or things like that. Or maybe I did, but my German is so non-existent I may have not known. Well, the only kerewa-hawking business a.k.a Escort Service I saw advertised here was when they placed cards on every car windshield on the street, and made a billboard in the city centre. Clearly business is not moving, and therefore we the respectable married women in this village can sleep easy because our menfolk are not going to do “all you can f-ck” buffet upandan.
Huh? You’re asking if I really am a respectable married woman?
My friend pause that Domitilla movie you are watching and come and help me find my crowbar before devil screws your destiny in a Verrichtungsbox.
I need to extract this my tongue from my cheek.
See you next week!
Oya watch the clip here *And if you are in a hurry just skip to 39mins 40secs of the clip to hear those famous words “Ashewo no be work” from Ada Ameh. *wink wink
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