June 27, 2017

Girlfriend, run! Your boo is not a keeper! By Joy Isi Bewaji

Girlfriend, run! Your boo is not a keeper! By Joy Isi Bewaji

A keeper: (n) someone who you’d likely spend the rest of your life with if you find him/her.

My dear sister, sorry to say this, but that man you are clutching on to like the latest LV purse, is not a keeper.

YD2205

holding hands

I know it hurts- these truths; tearing at your insides like a savage beast. Would you rather I keep quiet and watch you mourn inconsolably a few months down the line over unrequited love and self-worth smashed to tiny bits; bemoaning time that cannot be recovered, with tear marks like a child forced to swallow pap without sugar every morning? Would you rather I turn the other way and pretend I didn’t see that gaffe- the one you tried to hide just so we can all pretend that your man is a good one?

Ah! My darling, I have a big mouth. Have they not told you? I have a big mouth and strong opinions. You see, I used to be just like you, making excuses in the name of love; twiddling my thumb, biting my lower lip and blinking a hundred times at the sight of casual love mistaken for the real thing- you know the type that comes like a whiff of a fart, leaving a foul odour behind that kills your sense of humour and blurs your inner glow. I will not let you suffer this ignorance. Haba, what else am I here for? I will tell the truth and watch the devil run mad; lay down bare facts and watch demons flee.

Does he have healthy conversations with you? Heck do you have conversations at all?! Every day you meet after work at a bar on the Island- both of you, sharing a bottle of wine and a nice dinner. You think he meets up with you because he cares? No, he is only waiting for traffic to wane before he heads back to the mainland.

You sit for dinner; his hand should be holding yours, no? But where are those hands of his? On his damned blackberry- pinging away! He is smiling into a phone, chuckling and texting. Who is he texting? It doesn’t matter. It could be Bob Marley for all I care, it still wouldn’t make it cool. With all sense of love and reason, he should be fondling your breasts…ok maybe not your breasts, but your hands- on the table, drawing love marks. That’s what a keeper does.

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Where is the gleam in his eyes, ehn? The last time you saw it was last week when he was on top of you, riding you like a horse to its death. You saw it only for a split second before he poured his waste right inside your body. And then his eyes wouldn’t even rest on you for another second. Did he not roll out of bed and into the shower? When he came out did he not frown at you- still lying in bed, feeling like Monalisa (the painting)?

“You want to lie down there forever?” he asked as he dressed up.

Did you not sense a hint of irritation? Hmmmm!

My dear, he is not a keeper.

When last did he send you a random note- left on the kitchen table, stuck to the fridge? Have you ever found a love letter under the pillow addressed to you? Has he made any sacrifices lately- like waking up on a Saturday morning, ditching everything else, to drive down to the airport to pick you up (when you can easily get a taxi), with a broad JayZ-after-Solange-attack smile on his face?

Did he notice you have lost some weight? Your tummy is lean and your arms are toned- has he said anything?

Has he ever said “I love you” whilst you complain about fresh wrinkles under your eyes or when you wake up in the morning looking like a horny witch, hair like cotton wool beaten by a tornado? Does he ask about your mother? Is he worried that you are yet to get a degree? Has he ever bought you a casual gift on a sunny afternoon with no celebration in view?

Has he cooked you breakfast yet, even as you entertain yourself with a Danielle Steel thriller?

Do you still have fun debates that are  funny and random and everywhere?

Ok, this: do you suspect he is cheating on you with his colleague?

Should I go on?

What about that text you found lurking in his phone? The one he sent to a number saved as “plumber” (we both know that is no plumber! Else we might be worried about a whole new issue… won’t we?); you read the raunchy text with vivid and lewd description of what he plans to do with/to the plumber’s buttocks when they meet. You read the reply, didn’t you?

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“Oh baby, I plan to suck your scrotum until they taste like berries in my mouth…”

That was the plumber’s reply. Is this life, ehn?!

What did he say when you confronted him with these vulgar texts? Do you remember? Did he not snatch his phone and then wriggle a finger at you, warning you not to go around looking for trouble where there’s none? Did he not lie through gnashing teeth that the text was mistakenly sent to him?

*sighs*

This man of yours, he has hit you once…or maybe twice, abi? Does he threaten you with a slap; is he punching walls, screaming invectives at you?

Is he always dressed like a model straight out of one of those fabulously retarded runway shows in Lagos, but never compliments your own sense of style?

It is hard, I know. But ask yourself- is this man a keeper?

If the answer is no, then it’s time you start thinking of another master plan.

Six months later, has he introduced you to his “serious friends” yet? You know, the ones he respects and honours.

Does he know your safe periods or just dumps sperm inside of you then leaves you to go figure your issues out by yourself? Has he ever massaged your back?

What about cunnilingus? You heard me! What. About. Cunnilingus?

Does he love to eat you up like a nice slice of cake or do you roll your eyes exasperatingly when he licks you like sour grapes, barely allowing his tongue to touch your labia? Or wait…does he even eat you up at all?!

Ha!

Is he judgmental- telling you what to do with your friends, your hair, your job, your dreams?

Rate out of 10, does he make you smile right out of your heart?

Do answer sincerely and make the right decisions.

Good luck! (and yes, you can drop me a line in the comment section or an insult, even, if you are NOT a keeper!!!.)

@joybewaji

photocredit: http://www.gettyimages.co.uk/detail/photo/close-of-of-black-man-and-woman-holding-hands-royalty-free-image/96354017

Radi8
InnJoo Reborn

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32 Comments

  1. juliet

    chai chai chai! I want to laugh and cry at the same time. This is too much to take in ooooooooo. Joy ooooooh! My boyfriend is definitely NOT a keeper

    Reply
  2. Chichi babe

    I need your advice. My fiancé thinks cunninglus is dirty and ungodly. We’ve been together one and half years and only once did he eat me. He did it poorly, spat saliva out of his mouth and said he’ll never do it again. Even when I told him I wouldn’t give him a blow job if he doesn’t satisfy me, he said he doesn’t mind, that sex shouldn’t be so perverse. he is ok with missionary position for the rest of his life. I wanted to leave him but then he proposed, and apart from our boring sex life he is actually a good guy. now this article just addresses my fears. I am sexually active, I like adventure in bed; he doesn’t like to try anything at all! What do I do? is it a bit foolish to leave a man because he is not your sex match? should I just be grateful to have a good man. confused!

    Reply
  3. Sarkin Yaki

    Fair enough. Mostly true.Only thing that got me in a huff as the word ‘waste’. Seed would have been ‘nicer’. Waste sounds like shit. Hitting is a no no. Altogether well written and on point.

    Reply
      1. Sarkin Yaki

        And I thought I was being undercover….chai……Im good sis, and keep them coming. We dey gbadun your pieces….

        Reply
  4. didi

    Even with all these facts u jez stated glaring right before us, some women still chose to live in self denial. They lack the courage to walk away. afraid of ending up alone. Letting some insignificant other control their life….like joy said, Run! bcos what u put up with, u end up with.

    Reply
  5. Evans Ufeli

    A man should learn how to eat a woman up.She will reach out to high heavens if he does.Using the tongue to pick up the seed of her vigina is to say the least,most pleasurable.

    Reply
  6. chychy Philip

    Your writing as usual will stir up the hornets nest. You tell it as it is but sadly due to societal dictates, lots of women are settling for half measures they are lowering standards to a dismal 50 percent. They will end up doing the whole work to keep the relationship.

    Reply
  7. Ody

    “The last time you saw it was last week when he was on top of you, riding you like a horse to its death. You saw it only for a split second before he poured his waste right inside your body”.
    Chai chai chai, this is so descriptive. This lady you are good and to think that you write this things without qualms like and old grandma who has seen it all and does not “send” anybody. Lol.
    Me sha, if a man is responsible in every other way and does not do the cunnilingus abi na cunny style thing I don’t mind o. My problem is these lazy young Naija men of nowadays, who dress in highfalutin suite jumping around from place to place looking for hardworking ladies that can keep them. Girlfriends, from these types, I beseech you to do an Usain’s Thunderbolt.

    Reply
  8. K1

    Great writing girl, but come on – you can do better than call sperm ‘waste’… In the context of “dumping his waste…”, “load” would have been a far better choice.

    My two cents.

    Reply
  9. genny

    I feel like screaming so loud 2 get dis hurt & pain off my chest. I ve been used, used & dumped countless times. I jst pray d rite guy shld come. I want 2 be loved.

    Reply
  10. sweetbaby

    Dear joy love ur write up, my boyfrnd is indeed a keeper, but my problem now is he’s 28 n am 24, he’s still doing his NYSc and he want me to wait for him, pls wat do I do?

    Reply
  11. Efya Adele

    Well Miss Joy u’ve said it all.. Am definitely taking my share of this splendid write up…A word to the wise is enough soo to those who ve ears let them hear..

    Reply
  12. Najite

    I have just stumbled upon your articles including this one. Indeed a joy to read (pun intended). Tell it like it is my sista! Life has no reruns so there is no point putting up with trearment reserved for poorly made nollywood films. “Bad boys” are for silly teenagers(they’re shockingly ressilient). A Woman deserves (and should demand) a “Keeper”

    Reply
  13. nigga

    Lol,am definitely not a keeper,yes I said it because she turned out to be anything but what I thought she was. Told her times without number but she won’t let me be.

    Reply
  14. stephy

    soooooo true,,,,,,,,,,,, Thank God i had the courage to walk away from a useless relationship if not i wouldn’t be married to the best hubby on earth.

    Reply
  15. topazo

    i read this with my heart in my mouth…afraid of failing…but i sighed with relief at the end. looks like i passed! i guess i am a keeper…(she would have to affirm this though)

    Reply
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  19. James Godson

    Chai Chai Chai,

    Breeze do bow, we don see fowl yansh, this madam go kill person….Ngwa Nu, I dry my lane, Chai Chai Chai!

    Reply
  20. Tuzaqueen

    My oh my! This has got to be the most interesting piece I’ve ever read from Joy. Been hearing Joy Isi Bewaji for a long time and now I can certainly put a post to the name lol. My ex-hubby was never a keeper. It happened that before I got married in all honesty we never dated or courted or even anything close to that. Next thing we were married and a friend from one of my French classes downloaded ‘Kamasutra’ the e-book and the video versions. I wanted to see the movie first before the book. I won’t forget how I kept turning down the volume and changing it to another movie before I could get caught. I thought to myself to spice our marriage by way of trying out one or all of the activities (and be somewhat good at one). Long story cut short this guy insulted me for being spoilt and that made me never want to try anything new except for the missionary style that he has sworn to stick to even in his grave. In our society, at least from ladies I’ve talked to theyd rather act like they know nothing and allow their men ride on them like a chariot rider, and this make some of us accept what ordinarily wouldn’t welcome in our relationships. We had so many issues about our expectations in marriage (which may or may not have anything to do with the post- one of which to go carry the baby whenever she cried like she was only mine to look after) and of course he cheated which I would never condone so we divorced. I wished I had read a similar post before I was married so it won’t be counted against me as a divorcee. Then again, things happen and I am sure I will definitely be looking out for signs in my future relationships.

    Reply

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