So, this is how I was sitting around my office at McDonalds on Father’s Day feeling sorry for myself as I waited for the chicken nuggets to brown and the fries to turn crispy when my iPhone chimed. Incoming text. It was my daughter Netter_Shoks checking on me from college with this lovely “I LOVE YOU DADDY!” text:
“Hello daddy whom I love so much! Do you mind giving me some money so I may go and get my hair done?”
SMH. Why are women like this? E don tay when I dey suffer for woman hand. I have this issue, I fall in love hard. This is how at the University of Benin, September 29, 1977, Ugbowo campus, this girl I had been dying to go out with, out of the blue connected with me on FaceTime! I almost passed out when I saw her gorgeous face on my iPhone, I went, “OMG!! Na you!” She went, “Hi handsome! I want pizza! Meat lover’s pizza with suya on the side!”
Wo, I was like, I don hammer! Look, once she hung up, if you see the speed wen I take go buy pizza plus suya carry go her hostel, even Concorde nor fit pass me for road! See love! I was so happy, I was whistling that Buddy Holly song, Dearest, “You may be a million miles away, please believe me, oh yeah, when I say I love you!” I even wore my Sunday clothes and my platform shoes my papa bought for me for 45 Naira, his entire month’s pay!
Do you know when I got there, there was a handsome medical student in her room twirling his stethoscope at her? This wicked winch, she took my pizza and suya, blew me a kiss and locked the door. And I was not in the room, I was in the hallway without my pizza and suya. That useless man ate my love offering! It was a long walk back to my hostel! Dia is God sha because today, so called “medical student” now washes oyinbo corpses in London! The girl is begging to marry me! Me! I am married!
My roommate, Sunday Goodluck who endured such a dry dating spell all through university, that his motto became : “If to say I nor dey take dis ting piss, I for cut am” still laughs at me to this day. He now has 10 children from the only woman that agreed to marry him, he has made up for lack of “action” in his youth, SMH. That is why to this day I cannot stand doctors and stethoscopes. #PainfulFlashbacks
By the way, I once said NO to our teenage daughter Ominira! Four years ago. It was ugly, she did not believe it. She wanted pizza with chicken wings on the side, I said, NO!! and fled into my bedroom and locked the door! She started peppering me with texts, like, “OMG! You said NO to ME?” “YOU HATE ME???!!!” And calling me non-stop when I refused to respond. And texting my lover ML to report my insubordination like a hundred times. Finally ML ordered: “Won’t you buy that child her pizza? I am tired of this foolishness!” I bought her pepperoni pizza.
You will all be proud of me! I am getting better at being the man around the house! The other weekend Ominira came home and asked for two dozen cooked crabs from Cameron’s, her favorite seafood place. She and a few friends were having a barbecue in the yard. I did not buy two dozen. I bought three dozen. No one tells me what to do around here! As Fela says, I be man, I nor be goat! Na man dey stand, na goat dey run!