September 25, 2018

This heat no get Part 2 – Peju Akande

This heat no get Part 2 – Peju Akande

It’s on every one’s lips, us Nigerians in general and Lagosisans in particular; our most talked about topic of discussion these days hovers around politics but mostly always, always surrounds this suffocatingly present heat.

Yes. It’s the heat; which has become (all pun intended) the hottest topic of debate in the last few weeks on social media. With temperatures reading 88 degrees Fahrenheit on the average, its little wonder all we do these days is talk about the intensity of the heat and how its making us do crazy things.

“Morning, o.”

“Morning, my brother.”

“How body?”

“Body dey cook for this heat oo.”

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“Hummn, I took my bath five times yesterday, and even so …”
“See my body full of heat rash.”

The kids are the worst victims of that one. The little ones can’t seem to keep still but must run around as they are wont to, so it’s common to see many of them with their faces and necks laced with heat rashes.

Much of this weather could have been ameliorated if we had steady supply of power but thanks to Nep… no, (Transmission Company of Nigeria)TCN…no, I mean the 11 (distribution Companies) Discos nationwide, power generation has dropped even further to 2,665MW from what megawatts by the way?

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Don’t ask me but just look out of the window… no, not at the fighting duo by the road side,(it’s the heat making them fight, I swear.)

But look! I mean the petrol stations, the fuel queues are back, meaning, many of us will have issues with powering our generators which come in handy when the Discos go dancing.

So on this heat matter, Nigerians are on a loooooonnnng thing.

That said.

The other day, I don’t know what possessed me into taking what I imagined would be a leisurely walk around my area, just three streets down and back to base, and I was sweating from my scalp down to my toes before i had even made it to the end of street one and by the time I rounded off street two, I had begun to nurse this crazy desire to just take off my clothes and run, I felt I was going to pop like corn on a hot stove! Who send me waka?

I got talking with my muses, my female friends, and I hear many of them saying, this heat has put a lot of things off limits, like when in bed, avoid contact of any kind.

“Why?” I asked.

“Even when you put on the gen to power your ac or fan, the effect isn’t of much use because the fan or ac will simply be circulating hot air.”

“Common go get another gen, joo.”

“In these days of dollars snuffing the life out the naira? Where the money at?”

Another chipped in. “I don’t envy pregnant women o.”

“What has pregnancy got to do with the heat?”

“You’ve forgotten how it used to be? When you are pregnant, you have more body heat, na,”

“Oh, that. I forgot o. but men, pregnancy or not, the heat in my body can scorch the hubby, so I’ve told him, keep to your side of the bed, I’ll stay close to mine.”

“Same here, o. Nobody should come and take their reggae to spoil my blues.”

The nosy parker in me asked, “So nothing nothing for my brodas, sake of body heat, huh?”

“Yes, o” was the general chorus, “your brodas are on a long thing.”

“Hummn, I’ll bet.”

“There’s too much heat, unless you want to give birth to albinos.”

Not that this piece is casting aspersions on albinos. No, just someone’s weird way of describing how hot the weather is.

I soon discovered some people don’t mind having albinos after all, judging by an experience I had while in Benin for an event last wèek.

‘i slept over at the Protea and in the midst of this sweltering heat, yeah, despite the ac and all, it was still hot and this couple next door were going at it; first it was a gentle thud, thud, thud which made me smile at their energy and zest for life. To muffle their joyful sounds I increased the volume of my tv.

Then they picked up pace and the thuds came louder and faster. I had to wonder why hotel walls are so thin.

Then they kept on and what came to mind was Femi Kuti’s bang bang bang. Egba mi, o, this people wanna ki demselves.

Then I became angry, in this crazy, stupid effingly hot weather, are they crazy?

Maybe not.

Let me share a few hot memes I got lately- this heat can make one confess to sins not yet committed.

– It’s so hot you can boil an egg on Ikorodu road.

– So hot you can boil yam by just eating it raw…it’ll cook inside, don’t worry.

– So hot the last person that entered hell forgot to shut the door!

I love my country I no go lie.

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