March 21, 2019

Help, I want to be a facebook celeb – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Help, I want to be a facebook celeb – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

I want to be a Facebook Celebrity.
Before you harrumph and dismiss my legitimate desire, I will prove to you incontrovertibly that there are some gains to this.
So what or who is a Facebook Celebrity?
I am in a good mood and so I will elucidate (why not just say explain?)
Do you have 3,837 to 5,000 friends on Facebook? (Don’t mind the 3,837, I just felt if I gave an odd number, it would look like I have done some research and data to back it up. I don’t.)

So if you have loads of friends on Facebook, that means that there must be something celebritish about you. It is either you say interesting things that get shared around and everyone wants a piece of you or it could be that you have actually accomplished something outside Facebook in real life and people love to associate with success. Ok… wait having loads of friends can also mean you live on Facebook and send requests everywhere. I have to elucidate more.

Do you write one word as a status update and you generate 200likes, 431comments (odd number…)? Only a Facebook celebrity can achieve that.

Do you have the words ‘Social media hexpat’, ‘Public Intellectual’ ‘thinker’ ‘writer’ ‘lover of life’ ‘blogger’ etc etc on your bio? Please mind you that if you do not have plenty friends and traffic alongside such a bio, you are still just plebeian.

Do other celebrity Facebook folks comment and share your posts?

Have you moved to the permanent site of your ‘block’ industry? I mean do you regularly block people or threaten to block or unfriend people? You see if you are not a celebrity, no one would be afraid of buying blocks from you because who even knows you? But if your statuses and funny updates and clever articles and beautiful pictures mean something to people then you are allowed to threaten everyone.

Do you feel a pressing need from the world to give your take on every single issue from jollofgate to Allepogate? And when you give your take, do you expect people to take it to the bank and not question or argue with you?

Do people celebrate your birthdays by putting up pictures of you and saying “Although we have never met, he is a brother to me and he changed my life through his intellectual and thoughtful posts…”?

Do people come to your inbox daily with problems and needs? Have you become an Uncle or Aunt Agony on Facebook? My people, if any of the above describes you then congrats, you are a Facebook celebrity… but then you knew that already.

It is not a bad life and I want it.

People pay for adverts on your platform. You get jobs, free gifts and can start charities, even crossover to celebrity proper. You are a bonafide influential media person. I mean people have ridden on the wings of twitter handles straight to the top.

Facebook

For example, Omojuwa tweeted and tweeted till he was appointed by the president to be… wait, hold on a minute… oh! He is still… ok… ehm ehm.. never mind. A twitter portfolio-less warlord is still a somebori… (Even I am impressed with this my shade.)
I want to be one too. Though I am scared of the downsides.
1. Being reported over and over again to Oga Mark.
2. People with fake names insulting your family down to the 11th (odd numbers are great for pretend specifics) generation.
3. Personal life drama that seeps through to social media gets attention because you are a celebrity.
4. The occasional ignored posts. It is nothing to those of us that no one knows. But for you….
5. Data spent and refreshing per second for new comments and likes (well, you are not alone, we all do it.)

So how do you become a Facebook celebrity?

It is a bit difficult. It takes time and determination. Achieve something in real life or be interesting. Sometimes, even that is not enough.

You can get a FB celeb card by being friends with the existing celebs. Getting them to ‘promote’ you by sharing your posts.
See ehn, once a FB celeb shares your posts, you immediately get an avalanche of friend requests. I was sitting down jejely and then I started getting requests per second. Very soon I saw that someone had shared a post of mine. I did not accept many of them out of fear. Can I handle being a FB celeb just yet? I am still working on my persona… I am not yet ready for the spotlight.

You can also spend a lot of time commenting on the statuses of Fb Celebs. Be witty, be smart, speak big grammar, be controversial but don’t contest their supremacy, be cool, use memes… one day they will notice. A reply like will turn to a ‘lol’ and then it will become an emoji and finally sentences when they figure out they like you.

Do not be offended when in the beginning they jump over your comments and reply those of other celebrities. Initially, you may have assumed they hadn’t seen your witty thesis but when they have full conversations with the 37th (odd number) person commenting after you, it is natural to feel bad. But persist. Rome was not built in a day. Quora says it has taken over a million days to get Rome to where it is but don’t be alarmed, you will not live that long.

The last easiest way to be a Facebook celebrity is to be involved in a big fight or scandal. If a fight, it should be on the timeline of a popular Fb celeb. Say something terribly scandalous and sit back and sip tea as you accept friend requests. People love to watch a fight. Or even just be scandalous. Racy pictures, profanity, uncomfortable truths, dissing religion… all these things people love, forget what they say.

Am I on my way to becoming one?

Insha Allah… see you at the top.(Kindly share this article on Facebook… epp my ministry)

 

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