You would think it is pretty easy to tell if one is a celebrity.
This article may seem unnecessary on the surface of it, but we just have to deal with this.
We all know the celebrities, don’t we?
This is obviously a grey area and with the social media madness, it is unclear (mostly to some who think that they are celebrities) who the actual celebrities really are.
So this is where I come in.
Yours truly is more than delighted to fill in the gaps.
First things first.
Who is a celebrity?
The definition has sort of evolved over the last two decades or so.
Before now, we knew celebrities as people famous for success either in the sporting or entertainment worlds.
However, nowadays, you don’t have to achieve success in anything in particular to be tagged a celebrity.
The new definition of a celebrity is simply someone who is famous for anything, and, even nothing.
I am a bit concerned (actually not concerned at all but I want to sound passionate) at how loose the word ‘celebrity’ is and is causing delusions of grandeur all over the place.
But I want to do something to stop that.
Consider this my contribution to the society to inject sanity to the earth and to bring down ‘high’ shoulders all over the place.
First things first.
Oh wait… then second things second.
But a blue tick is not an automatic free pass to the exclusive celebrity club.
You can have a million followers but if Facebook, Instagram and Twitter have not deemed you worthy, I am sorry, I can’t take you seriously.
If you have three thousand followers and you have a blue tick, I may raise my eyebrows but I will still ‘waka pass’.
A bona fide celeb has followers and is recognizable.
Recognizable… that is the crux of this whole celeb thing.
Do people know you?
If you can walk into a mall, a market, a hall or a lobby unaccompanied without anyone doing double takes or people asking for selfies, you have not arrived.
You may be on your way, I dunno, but you never reach.
This would be confusing for some of you, but hold on a sec.
You may have a recognizable name and a large virtual following complete with the numbers and the blue tick but being able to anonymously live a normal life in the physical disqualifies you.
Do you remember when we saw Davido arriving the NYSC camp for his orientation?
He was lucky to even get some oxygen to breathe.
That young man cannot walk on Planet Mars without some Alien shouting “OBO”.
Speaking about Davido, recently, Kemi Olunoyo did a press conference with a lady and her daughter claiming that Davido was the baby daddy.
If you consider yourself to be a male celebrity and no random stranger has hit the newsstands with a baby mama claim, sorry, you have not made it yet.
All the greats have had this happen to them.
It happened to Michael Jackson… (was Billie Jean not a true story?”)
They could either claim you gave them babies or Herpes (that seems to be the choice STD – Usher and Young NBA for reference).
If you are a nobody with nothing and you get a lady pregnant, she will be angry.
She will hound you for money for an abortion or money to treat the Herpes.
She will not call a press conference to announce a pregnancy or an ailment or even a child.
Her friends will not be proud of her. They will call names in their Whatsapp group.
But being a baby mama for a celeb is an achievement and the friends and even family members will applaud her.
Is everything you do newsworthy?
If you take a picture of yourself in your house, all dolled up and ready to go and you post it on social media (Instagram for instance), is it quickly replicated in all blogs and entertainment news sites?
You may be sitting down in an event that is boring and you yawn and the next day, all the moi moi and standard blogs will have a picture of you with a caption;
“Miss K did not get enough sleep yesterday night…”
Are you constantly all over the print and virtual media for just going about your daily chores?
Do fashion blogs examine and analyze everything about you and your looks?
Are people constantly trying to figure out if you lost weight, got fairer, have been dumped, just got engaged, got pregnant, etc?
Then consider yourself a celebrity!
If you forgot to wear your wedding band, does it front page news?
You are definitely a celebrity if all these happen to you.
Privacy becomes a luxury (you actually hate and love privacy.)
When people stop talking about you, it is not a good thing.
When they keep talking about you, it feels invasive and unnecessary… yes, those are celebrity issues.
A great way to know if you have arrived is if other celebrities want to be associated with you.
They famz you.
When you go out of character and comment on their pages, maybe to compliment them, they always respond to you.
This is a great nod.
You see, these people get thousands of comments daily but when a special person comments, they respond.
It’s a club… the celebrity life.
When you are always getting invitations to the ‘it’ events, it says a lot.
Annie Idibia is at every major event organized by celebrities.
She may have started out riding on the coat tails of 2 Baba but she is now a legit member of the ‘red carpeters.’
Do you have money or appear to have money and you get endorsements and offers to promote tourism in places like Dubai (pulled that out randomly… wink wink)?
People have to know you for you to get an endorsement.
Sadly, this places you in the same category as Cee C, Nina, Bobrisky, et all.
Not all sad though; you are still a celebrity.
Politicians court you every four years and for a sum, you can attend a rally or two or just be seen with them.
Ahh… the celeb life…
You may have all these things and still not have money but still be a celeb.
That is the funny thing about it.
You could be famous and broke.
Not because you don’t make money but because what you make goes into appearing to have more than you actually do.
Don’t worry, nothing points to a celeb better than a fake life.
We love you like that.
May things balance out for you.
May your money be equal to your fame.
It is frustrating when people think you drive a Range Rover 2028 model and you are caught driving a Range Rover 1962.
This is not a sub o.
It is just an example.
Real celebrity thing.
I sold my car for charity too.
My nuclear family charity. We are on our way.
Now, are you a celebrity?
Is the answer yes?
Then calm down, there are levels to this celebrity stuff.
Bobrisky is not Genevieve.
Nina is not Rita Dominic.
Efemoney is not Ik Osakaduwa.
Genevieve is not Julia Robert.
Wizkid is not Drake… levels dey.
If I am feeling benevolent, I will treat the top “Dem get Celebrity and dem get Celebrity Celebrity” some other time.