Sometimes, when I am alone with nothing better to do- which rarely happens. My thoughts wander to my wife. What is she doing now, eating, dancing or is she with a boyfriend? I have attended over forty wedding ceremonies from the rough list I drafted, and I know soon enough it will be my turn. Maybe that is why I am concerned about a wife I do not have yet. Because of stories we hear- stories that instill fear and the ones of hope. Maybe I am writing because I do not want to ask myself ‘why did I get married?’
Out of the forty-something weddings, I have witnessed I can count how many are still as romantic as the day those vows were exchanged, but I won’t go far on my ten fingers.
I recall listening to a pastor’s message on marital failure earlier this year where he remarked that the greatest career decision we will ever make is who we marry. That sentence stung me, and now, I find myself meditating on it. Honestly, I can’t blame anyone for being too selective when it comes to the choice of a life partner. Imagine Jonathan and Patience without each other, and Barrack and Michelle, each married to some other persons.
Something personal spurred this article. My most active role in my wedding adventures was in Kaduna as Segun’s best man. Segun met Elizabeth when they were 24 and 20 respectively in our Varsity days. And if they got anywhere near the memories they created while they dated for nearly 5 years, they should have rivaled Romeo and Juliet. During our routine lover’s hangout at our popular love garden, especially under the moon’s glare, they kiss as though they are in a competition to suck out each other’s soul from their throat. I can’t recall how many times I sneaked a peek at them from under my lid. Envy filled my heart because theirs was a relentless assault of love, care and intricate romance-something I wished I had. They inundated each other’s phones with calls and love texts and even had special ringtones assigned to the other.
But now it seems, the grass hasn’t always been all green. On more than three occasions last month alone, he has said to me, “Tonero! It is after you marry you meet the person you should have married.” I was shocked and disturbed by his confessions and beckoned on him to share his challenges in the union, knowing fully well how they wore their relationship so boldly and passionately. So many unions are struggling to keep the fire that ignited their love aflame. Segun and Elizabeth are just one of a thousand stories out there. These days when I see a couple make the vow-Till death do us part, I wonder if they will still feel the same way as always.
“I used to love her”, Segun told me. “Then why is she no longer a priority?” I enquired but silence filled the air. Arguments will come, you will get through them. Then comes the temptations. Those cravings for nice perky breasts and other shapeless desires will always cross your thoughts no doubts. The grass is only greener where it’s watered.
Truth is, we will always meet someone, somewhat more amazing than our spouse. If you thought you hit the jackpot because you married a cute dude, you will still find someone more handsome than he is, someone, funnier and more caring. Some people don’t even love their partners, they simply love how their partners make them feel. So the moment you start losing what you felt for that person, issues will begin to suffice. Once their partner stops making them feel that way, they start seeing all the flaws. In truth, it didn’t just happen. What do you expect when you stop spending quality time, buying gifts, and rendering acts of service to each other? That’s why you should reflect on why you got married in the first place. You’d come away with the realization that the one you married can be your everything and then, you’d stop giving out discounts on the parts of her you feel makes her priceless. That is what I have come to understand with the songs I catalogued as my favorites in my music library. There’s no better track, no best! Each in its own way, has its rhythm, its message, and still appeals to me.
So Shege my guy! After weeks of sitting on that “she isn’t really what I thought or I don’t even know why I married her” fence, I am ready to jump off and plant my feet squarely for your soul mate. The happiness you think you are getting from the outside is only temporary. Dear Segun, I miss her soup and the weekend asun I have become accustomed to at your residence. Remember all the goals you’ve planned out together. My ultimate joy would be that in a few days from now after reading this, I hope to be invited to your crib to once again celebrate the strength of love and promises kept. Love they say is a friendship that caught fire – an understanding and loyalty through good and bad times. It settles for less than perfection and makes allowances for human weaknesses. Dear Segun, fix it!
As for me, I’m still on the lookout and really I don’t know what I want in her. Asides the pronounced beauty and ‘elevated’ physical attribute I fantasize about, I hope her love for Christ encourages me, I pray her taste for excellence keeps boosting mine and that her passion for books keeps mine burning. Maybe then, I can answer this puzzle.