July 22, 2018

Is a big wedding a must? – Jite Efemuaye

Is a big wedding a must?  – Jite Efemuaye

Hear ye, hear ye, all ye Orobo, if you want to lose weight, don’t jog, don’t diet, just plan a wedding.

I swear, there seems to be something about that process that forces the fat out of your body.

I have nine sisters, innumerable cousins and female friends and I have watched several of them go through the same process of weight shedding once it is time for their weddings. Someone that used to be orobo/lepa fresh will turn into a wilted orobo or lepa toothpick in the space of three months, what for? If the stress is even for themselves it will be okay. Mba, it is for the big headed people that must come and chop rice, because of wedding.

[Can your boss be your friend on Facebook? No! – Jite Efemuaye]

It is also for their parents, because, parents have this need to show off at their children’s wedding a la ‘no be we poor pass’. So you plan a wedding for 100 and your mother will be looking at you like ‘this one has no idea.’

It is no wonder that more and more couples that can afford it are eloping.

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Or getting pregnant first so that the process can be expedited (the pregnant option only works for tribes like Igbo for whom getting pregnant outside marriage is a big deal. My place, your pikin fit don dey university and they will still have a huge do like it’s two fresh faced children getting married).

See, a traditional ceremony needs only the parents of the couple, maybe two elders from each side, immediate family members and the couple. A church wedding needs even less: the couple, a priest/pastor and two witnesses. And it doesn’t have to be on Saturday.

[Rich guy or hustler – who do you marry, sista? – Jite Efemuaye]

Me, I have used my big mouth to set myself up so many times that people are watching me with microscope to see how I will dodge the wedding stress so I have developed a foolproof plan. If you can’t afford a wedding planner (which is no guarantee of a stress-free wedding because some wedding planners na winch) or afford to elope, you can still make through your big day without losing weight (in your body and bank account).

Don’t tell anyone. Don’t put up pictures on Facebook or bbm or whatsapp or IG. Don’t tell your friends. See, there’s always that person that will do over sabi and put your picture as their DP and a PM that will give the secret away. You must swear your immediate family members to secrecy with blood and red cloth tied around that tree in your village compound (every family has one).

[Who needs a Master’s degree? Not me – Jite Efemuaye]

If you’re like me and your extended family runs into the thousands, don’t tell any one of them. It is ‘uncle/aunty I’m sorry’ that will end it. If they vex too much it will look as if they don’t wish you well so they will calm down quick

For this plan to work you must have a lot of guts and be able to block people out. This plan works perfectly for me because most of my friends and family already think I’m not alright, so I can get away with almost anything. Who knows? I might already be married sef as I type this.

*insert Darth Vader laugh here*

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