The other day, someone tagged me in a post where they were offering something that would give the unsuspecting public the impression that you had bigger buttocks.
I had to do a double take when I saw that tag. Me ke? They wan kill me with overload ni? Na true say Ikebe no dey heavy the owner but seriously, e don dey heavy me. Shior!
Okay, I said as much on the post, but that is just one in a long string of what appears to be the latest trend now: distort your body proportions and dimensions, deceive people into thinking you have a size 24 body on a size zero waist, that you can challenge Kossy Orjiakor to a boobs jiggling contest or that you have an ikebe to end all ikebes when in actual fact, nature has only bestowed you with two pancake shaped orbs back there.
Biko nu, when will all this madness end? What is wrong with presenting yourself exactly the way you are? Tall, short, thin, flat chested, wobbly mid-section (there is a reason why they are called love handles) etc.
And now we are onto “waist training” which begs the question: what exactly are you training your waist to do?
Does your waist have a mind that is independent of the one nestled in your body? If yes, then train it on how to do something that will add value to your life: like how to fry akara, fix your car when it develops a flat tyre along the way or some other useful skill. You will spend all that money to train your waist on how to be a waist?
*scratching my head*
If it happens however, that you are just “training” your waist in order to look fashionable, can you just please take a deep breath (an impossible task considering how those contraptions look like you are just hanging onto your last breath) and ask yourself one little question for me?
What am I flirting with “suffocation by waist trainer” for?
If it is to attract the men, how deceived do you reckon the man would feel if after having snagged what he believes is the last original mammy water in human form, he takes you home, you take off the waist clincher and all the extra meat nature bestowed around your belly region starts tumbling out?
Abi the waist trainer na everlasting? You will not remove it in the presence of whomever it is you are wearing it for?
See ehn, the man can sue you for breach of contract or for false promises or for obtaining by trickery and any right thinking judge would rule in his favour and award him damages to boot.
Besides, are we really back to restricting ourselves in impossible clothes in order to appear more pleasing to the menfolk? I thought that died out with the corset wearing ladies of the 1800’s? Dear feminists, where are you while all this is happening?
When exactly are we going to have men padding the crotches of their trousers in order to appear more attractive to us? Or buy a bumbum lifter? I tell you, a man with a rounded, Volkswagen beetles shaped behind is a million times more attractive than all these flat arsed guys.
But do they care? Will they pad the bum-bum to deceive the women folk into thinking they have scored a catch? No. They will parade the entire area in their slippers yansh and have the temerity to point out what parts of your anatomy they think needs “some work” done.
Perhaps you are going to that effort to impress a fellow woman like you? If yes, clap for yourself.
With my knowledge of women, there is perhaps a little bit (make that a whole lot of bitchery) thrown into every attempt to look better than the next woman.
I strongly doubt any self-respecting woman would spend money to make herself appear like she has been cruelly photo shopped by an apprentice yahoo-yahoo boy who then proceeded to print a 3D version of the photo shopped picture.
If you are doing this to impress women like you, then please, take off the waist trainer, take a deep breath and invest the time and energy you planned to spend on the entire useless venture of training your waist, to other things.
- Learn a skill.
- Establish a trade.
- Cinch that promotion at the office.
- Lift some heavier weights at the gym.
Oh and while you are at it, let us do like the suffragettes did, but a little better this time around since we are decades away from where they were at that time, let us burn the bras.
- The push up bras.
- The bumbum pads and enhancers.
- The waist trainers.
If there is any part of your body that needs to be padded, it should be your brain. When you open your mouth, knock everyone around you unconscious with your thought processes. They do not have to agree, but make it impossible for them to do other than acknowledge that you have a point, however different.
Plus, by the time maleism (abi na wetin be the opposite of feminism) finds a foothold and takes ground, you would have escaped a potential lawsuit for presentation of false goods.
Yes, it is okay to give the men some eye candy, but let that be of you in your natural form. The rolling hills and dipping valleys. Anyone who doesn’t like you the way you are should please just keep moving and stop blocking the view for those who appreciate the work of art that you are.
But above all, stop looking for love and approval where there is none, stop restricting yourself in order to fit into another person’s stereotype of your species. Learn to respect and love yourself exactly the way you are, first.
Confidence, still is, the best and most important accessory.
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