October 19, 2018

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Ladies, don’t date a Lagos ‘big’ boy by Funke Phillips

Ladies, don’t date a Lagos ‘big’ boy  by Funke Phillips

Have you dated a ‘Lagos boy’ before?

Then you haven’t started.

Every woman’s rite of passage has to include a stint or two with a ‘Lagos boy’.

A ‘Lagos boy’ is a bigz broke boy. You might be wondering how a bigz boy can be broke but this is the conundrum that births the ‘Lagos boy’.


One time a guy invited me on a date. He was a self acclaimed big boy. Name dropper per excellence. He lived on Banana Island according to him. He had a fleet of cars. This was still according to him.

We went to a restaurant that he chose. I had a salad and a glass of wine. He had steak and lobster jollof rice. I could see that there wouldn’t be a second date or any further anything because he was dry like the Sahara. Having a conversation with him was an ordeal. It was like gusting with a blank wall. He was boring. What do you do? Errrm….this and that. What exactly do you do? Contracts. When he got to how he was also into oil and gas, I tuned off. I was so done with the date.


When the bill came it was 18,500, Oga asked if they had a POS machine. They brought it and that’s when the whole drama began. He brought out his wallet and started looking for his card. Turned the wallet and the contents in it upside down looking for his elusive card.

After a few minutes of this, he decided to pay with cash,he brought out the same wallet and was able to amass 2000 and change saying he never carries cash since Naija was cashless and all that jazz.

All this while, I was just looking at him like an Egyptian mummy. Motionless.

After a few more minutes of this wahala ontop salad and wine, I was beginning to get a little miffed so I just paid the whole thing.

On our way out, he smiled and said “Thank you. Not a lot of women would have done that.”

“Done what? Paid? No big deal. You seemed to be having a bit of trouble so no big deal.”

And it really wasn’t a big deal. After all, I had eaten too. Never mind that my meal hadn’t cost even half of the bill, Mr steak and lobster jollof rice oniranu.

“It is o. It shows you’re a good girl. Actually, it was a test. I could have paid with my card. I hid it. I just wanted to see if you would be a supportive girlfriend.”

And it was at this point that I lost it. I literally saw red.

“Are you kidding me? Test me? For what? Is this an audition? Who are you? Wait first! What are you?”

Dude honestly didn’t get why I was so mad. He thought I would be so happy that I had passed his test.

This is what happens when you go out with a freaking ‘Lagos boy’. Test who? Test for what? Don’t be testing me. I’m not your mother who is obligated to show you love and support.

Anyway, I forgot about this man only to see him some months later at a friend’s traditional wedding. He happened to be her cousin and that’s where I got the low down. Dude was a jobless man. He was driving the car his brother sent him from America and to make matters worse, he still lived with his parents.


He was so uncomfortable when he saw me and couldn’t meet my eyes. I had a good mind to go and ask him for my 18,500 but I was in a good mood that day so I just let him be.

Only in this Lagos would a jobless guy ask a girl on a date to test if she’s ‘girlfriend material’ or ‘wife material’.

Only in this Lagos will you see a guy driving a car, a range or Porsche no less yet he’d be asking you for 5k to fuel his car.

Only in this Lagos will you see a guy claiming he wants to marry you yet all he does is press computer and live in a 3 bedroom flat with 5 other dudes at Ajah.

This is the kind of nonsense they put women through and because you want to impress a dude you’d go and pay his bills.

My friend actually ‘engaged’ herself. No jokes. She bought a ring. Put the thing on her finger and engaged herself. Why?

The guy she had been dating for less than a month said she should lend him the money to buy a ring for her. Are you even shitting me right now? I should give you the money to buy a ring for ME??? Yeah, right. You are not ready. But she did it. Apparently the need to be married trumped commonsense.

If that isn’t a scam, I don’t know what is. I personally think the EFCC should pick up every ‘Lagos boy’ forming like a ‘bigz boy’.

They are so many. Everywhere.

Ask him what he does for a living, he tells you ‘contracts’ or ‘business’. Initially, all seems well as he takes you out on dates and buys you stuff then after a very short while, the stories begin. He needs to borrow a small amount of money from you at first, then the amount increases as time goes on. If you’re not careful you’ll go into debt for this guy and I’m not even kidding.

Ladies, stay away from ‘Lagos boys’. Don’t let the flashy cars deceive you. You might end up fuelling them.

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  1. Waju Abraham

    Funke at her best!

    Lol. Thats how “we” roll. The only difference between true marketing and scam is performance. The selling modus isessentially the same.

  2. Asaka D.S

    Sometimes, that is good for girls who are so interested in “already made boys”. When they are told the truth they run away but when they are lied to, they stay

  3. Maureen

    Hahahahaaha. Hilarious. I thought they only existed in Port Harcourt.
    Funked, thank you for the eye opener. When a Lagos guy says hello, I will bring out my card reader and carry out an accreditation.

  4. Abel

    Hehehe! Are you kidding me? What kinda big boy is that? Very annoying.
    But Funke why did you pay now? You for waka comot. I’m certain he had no money on him that very day.

  5. Abasiama

    Funke…. knocking people’s hustle since the days of our forefathers. Kontinu… God is soaking your koboko in diesel.

  6. Agah

    Wait a minute; do you really mean someone has the balls to ask a lady for money to buy an engagement ring?

    I don’t know how it sounds to you but it is about the strangest thing I have heard

  7. prince

    but not all guys are like that na. some guys are different but they are very rare. most times that is what most ladies like, a guy that can package himself in big way when all he has is borrowed… hilarious story actually… lolzz..

  8. Simi

    hahaha. OMG. this is so funny and outrageously ridiculous. the story of the girl who engaged herself is just the height. lol. this is a wonderful article mehn. I am so sharing it with my friend. I have already read it to my mum. keep up the good work. God bless


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