December 14, 2017

Layta to Govano ElRufa’i – Viola Okolie

Layta to Govano ElRufa’i – Viola Okolie

Diya Govano,

Ai kwom por opis las mon’ na him ai hiya say dem wan geeb us eegzaminayshor.
Wai wai wai, abeg iskuzz mai manners pess. Ai sorfohs to grit you bepor ai stat to talk all mai froblems ai. Toh, bari na gaisa tukkun…
How is your pamily? Hof no froblem? And your waip? Hof no froblem? Madalla, now that we have gaisa, bak to da eejoo op da eegzam.
Toh, ai dey hab tell me zat you are flanning to geeb all da teeshas por Kaduna sitate eegzam por testing dia norlage op what dey are teeshing da sutudints and fufeels.
When ai hiya it, ai hab larp.  Hab you not hear govano, zat eeggzam is not a troo tess op norlage? Wait pess, make ai tell you one story.
One taim laik dat, bepor ai paind teesha work por da gobmen sikondiri school por mai lokul gobmen, ai use to be a parmer. Ai use to parm grannort por mai beelage near da borda. Ai will parm za grannort and ai will karry her to Aneesha to go and sell por the nyamiri beekors dey no get am por grannort por their side of da kwantiri.
So one day like zat, ai harbess mai grannort and full am por trailer – dat one wey dem dey call am “nain eleboon”. As I carry da grannort kwam reach Lokoja sayid, na him one soja kwom stoff our trailer.
He kwom ask me wetin ai carry, ai tell am say na “grenades” bikos dat time, ai no sabbe how to talk grannort por Eengleesh, only por Hausa. But my naybor say na grenades den dey call am por Eengleesh.
As ai talk am say na grenades ai carry, da soja kwom and shauuuuut.
He say where ai dey carry grenade go, weda ai be Boko Haram wey dey use grenade? Ai tell am say no be only Boko Haram dey use de grenades, say den filenty and me ai sabbe plenty feefool wey dey use grenades for Naijiriya, say na me dey sorflai den as deestributa beekors my grenades na good one.
Za soja haff shauuuuuut and ask me to kwom down prom za trailer.
Ai kwom down an he arress me and hankoff me, zen he kwall his soofirior opisa and tell him say dat zey habb cash ze ferson wey use to sorflai terroris wit bom.
Ai tell am say no be bom ai dey sorflai, say na grenade. E talk am say na da same tin, ai begin dey siwia say no be da same but he no agree on til his oga appiya.
Toh, when his oga appiya, ai tell am say ai no dey sorflai Boko Haram bom o, say na only grenades. Za soofirior opisa come slaff me, tell me say na da same tin. Wallahi, see me see gworon dutse fa.
Na him ai kwom beg za soofirior opisa say make he no vess, say make ai show am da grenades.
So he kwom point gun por za senta op mai bak, kwom say eep ai trai any nonsense he go shoot, kwom karri me go ohfun da back op da trailer.
As ai ohfun da whole kaya and he see say na grenades dey inside, he kwom slaff me again.
Eediot, he kwom talk, wetin be dis?
Toh na him ai dey tell una say na grenades e be, no be bom.
Shott up, he talk and slaff me again. Wiya da grenades? Wetin be dis?
Opisa, wallahi tallahi, ai siwia to God, na grenades be dis, no be bom.
Opisa slaff me again o. Kommon shottop. He shaut. Who tell you say dis na grenade? No be grannort be dis?
Opisa, but na wetin ai dey tell your sekornd since, say na grenades.
Shottop, no be grenades den dey call am, na grannort. Bush man wey no go school.
Opisa kwom slaff me again but my govano, de slaff no fayn me reesh de “bushman wey no go school” wey he call me.
Ai kwom siwia dat day say ai must to go school and even beekorm a teesha eep fossibul, so dat opisa no go disgrace me laik dat again.
Your Ehksellensee, ai hab wayek rezolt, ayyam onle awaiting my girate 2 saffitikate. Ai no dat ai will fass za eegzam beekors ai kan kormoonikate. Apta dat opisa slaff me por road dat day, na me dey rait layta por all awa beelage feefool. At leas, ayyam shuwa dat you kan ondastan dis layta.
My govano, eegzam is not a troo tess of norlage. Eebun when we set eegzam por our sutudints and fufeels, ees jus beekors some taim, dia iskanchi haff kwom and be too morsh. So eep we geeb den eggzam, dey can reememba say na we da teesha be dia oga.
We neba use to mark da eegzam, we just go and sell za fayfah dey hab use to rait da exam to mai suya or mai gurasa.
Shikenan.  See you in da eegzam hall my govano. Ai haff konpeedens zat ai kan fass za eegzam beekors ai haff filenty op sens, that is why all my prends use to kall me Umaru Danja alias “Kwiksan mai sai da grenades”, also known as “Bombulasta One of Layin Zomo”.
Tankin you in adbans op mai sokksess in the eegzam, ai remain your paitppul sabbant,  Umar Danjuma (neekname Umaru Danja alias Kwiksan mai sai da grenades aka Bombulasta One of Layin Zomo)
Ranka ya dedde your Ehksellensee!
Radi8
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