July 17, 2018

Let me teach you how to pray by Pearl Osibu

Let me teach you how to pray by Pearl Osibu

I find religious people very confusing. I do. And I mean that with the utmost respect. Many times, I come across something that makes me go ‘oookay… I don’t think you thought that one through.’

The aspect my lack of comprehension hinges on today is the issue of prayers. There are many things I find unsettling and curious about prayers.

Prayer chain; I find it curious that believers try to recruit as many people as possible to pray about a particular issue. This makes me wonder if prayer is the idea behind the petition signing tradition, ‘we need a million signatures to get this video to be banned, please add yours.’ Now if that is the case, if the deity being addressed requires a certain number of votes on an issue in order to act, it stands to reason that if a slightly higher number can be persuaded to vote against the issue, then one side can win against the other, no? I mean, say a hundred people are praying that Eyimba football club wins this match, it would take say a hundred and one to pray that Rovers football club win it for Rovers to carry the day. Not so? If this isn’t so, why then do we find people sending broadcast messages about prayer chains? It makes prayers sound like majority carries the vote. I thought there was something called predestination? Omniscience is not what it used to be.


Aiding and abetting; A few months ago, a certain picture depicting a group of strippers (or maybe sex workers ) praying before commencing on their day’s job went viral.  I nearly peed myself watching the apologists argue that one. Now a few days ago, I again saw a picture of a young man and woman. The man was backing the sun and the reflective rays cut off his head, effectively putting his face in shade. And the picture was captioned, ‘when your side chick wants to take a picture but you are protected by the Lord God himself .’ I was terribly amused. What the writer however failed to realise was that he was basically implicating the Lord God himself in his infidelity, making him his accomplice or wingman. And the fact is, the person who wrote this really believes that it was God who was on his side and protecting him from being caught.

side chick

  • Like the armed robber that prays before an operation.
  • Like the doctor that prays for patients to come to his hospital.
  • Like the young girl that promises to never do it again if her abortion is successful.
  • Like the woman who prays that the poison she has put in her co-wife’s food does the job effectively.

What I see in all this is that if you pray these kinds of prayers, then you believe that the God you serve will actively participate in a crime. So at this juncture I need to pause and ask you, what the very f$£k is wrong with you? Because is this a god you wish to be associated with?

I honestly find these thoughts troubling, that people do not even question their beliefs. People believe like Zombies – as they were taught to, even when it makes no sense.

Anyway, as a good Christian myself, let me show you an example of the kind of prayer I usually offer on any given night.

Oh Lord God,

I bless your holy name. I magnify you for you are good. I praise you, for it is clear to me that when it comes to anything that concerns me, you are partial. Lord, I know it was your hand at work when I slept with my boss and got a promotion. After all, you gave me a vagina. What would I have done if you had given me a penis or a boss who took no interest in me? But you, in your infinite wisdom, you made a way where there seemed to be no way.

Father Lord, I praise you for making sure that that security man that saw me and my oga having sex in the office after hours the other day was hit by a bus. I mean, what would have happened if it had come out that we were sleeping together? But I am covered by your blood. You have engraved me in the hollow of your hand.

Lord, you know that as I kneel before you tonight, my heart is filled with gratitude, just as my pu$£y is filled with semen from my oga. I saw your hand in everything Lord, from the way he grabbed me like a hungry lion and pushed away all the papers on his desk and attacked me, pounding me hard until I almost fell off the edge of the desk, to the fact that he forgot to wear a condom, it was you. Because your thoughts towards me are of good not of evil, to give me a hope, a future and an expected end.  Lord the end you have planned for me is to be the next Mrs… because he is your son, and he deserves to be happy. I shall give him a child. It is your will.

I also want to thank you Lord for furnishing me with a ready lie when my boyfriend asked where I was, you filled my mouth as you promised in your word where you said I should not think on what I will say for you yourself will fill my mouth. And he believed me, poor gullible fellow. You are indeed great. Because it is not your will that I be caught, in case things don’t work out between me and my boss.

I thank you for always watching over me. You are worthy to be praised. Help me sleep peacefully tonight, as you said in your word that you give your beloved sleep. And if it pleases you Lord, remember the girls in Sambisa forest, those poor unfortunates. But only if it pleases you.

Thank you Lord and glory to your holy name now and forever, Amen.

This prayer for me is honest. If you don’t pray this way (of course, using your own scenarios), I wonder why.

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phot credit: Bill Flavell

Photo credit 2: facebook

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