My phone rings:
Green, green… yellow?
“I’d like to speak with (sounds a bit mumbled up) but I think she said..Cynthia?”
“Sorry, it is a wrong number.”
“No it is not, you are Cynthia.”
Like for real? I am? *checks birth certificate just to make sure*
“Madam, I am not Cynthia, you have a wrong number.”
“So who is on the line?”
‘You must be kidding, right? You call my number, insist I am some Cynthia person and now I should tell you who I am? Madam who are you trying to reach? This is a wrong number.”
“Wait! Is that not 080********?”
Gerrarahiaman! That is my number o?
“Yeah, that’s mine. There must be a mix-up somewhere.”
“There is no mix-up, you are the one, you are Cynthia.”
“See madam, I have tolerated you long enough, I have told you you have a wrong number but…”
The phone nearly drops from my hand as she suddenly screeches into the phone…
“Leave my husband for me ooooo, Cynthia. Husband snatcher…” and a long string of abuse follows.
Chineke? See my dross for village square? On top say I no be Cynthia, I am now a husband snatcher plus the other unmentionables? I keep reminding myself to drop the line right after I say “wrong number” to all those missed connections but somehow, I always remain on phone until the other party drops but this one…
‘Sorry madam, calm down first, what is your husband’s name?’
“What is your husband’s name? Does he have money? As in is he stinkingly rich? Is he NAFDAC approved?”
“What is that supposed to mean?”
“Well, the only reason why I will disgrace myself like you have just done over a man is if he has a lot of money – stinkingly rich. Our people say if you will not eat pounded yam because of soup, eat soup because of pounded yam. For you to have the energy to call up a random number from your husband’s phone and be behaving anyhow, he must have loads and loads of money. Or else, he is NAFDAC approved.”
“What does NAFDAC have to do with this matter?”
“NAFDAC must have certified him okay for human consumption. In which case, if he is stinkingly rich and NAFDAC approved, please give me his phone number so that I can help you call him and invite him over to my house for counselling.”
“You are mad. Anyway, I just called to warn you to leave my husband alone for me. I have submitted your name to the god of “chuzin” and if you don’t stop distracting my husband, you will run mad in less than 60 days.”
And she drops the phone on me.
You see the life of my head? See how like the Igbos say, “mmadu ekoteho, ogodo ya ekoteru ya” loosely translated to English, “if you don’t attract trouble, your wrapper might attract it for you”.
Okay na, I was going to rant at Nigeria and Nigerian issues in my article this week – if you are reading this ma’am no need for your prayers and curses. I suspect that wire don dey cross for my head already – but now I would be forced to dispense extremely serious advice to everyone involved in a menage a trois, especially if one or the other of the parties involved has my number and has saved it on their phone as “Cynthia”.
Dear Aristos, Money Men and Sugar Daddies – please have mercy on these small, small girls that are hustling for a living. Bend your eyes left, pack in the trouser snake and force yourselves to go in the opposite direction when you see a “waist” that is calling your name.
This advice is even more important if your wife is one of those prayer warrior type of women. If she attends night vigil at least 5 times a month, is fondly referred to as “mummy” or “mommy-een-eestrael” even by those who are way older than her, has her pastor’s (and by extension God’s) right ear and donates YOUR money generously to the church, you know you have no business doing Aristo sturvs don’t you?
Have mercy on young ladies and do like the bible says, “stick to the wife of your youth biko”.
If not, you will have a vicarious liability when some young, smart, sharp, seizy nwa-baby suddenly develops skoin skoin. This advice becomes more imperative if your wife is a member of “mountain of fire and miracles” or “the lord’s chuzin” – these churches no dey follow redeemed and Winners form gentleman o, they are not smiling at all! Dem no dey take fire play o… na na na na na, dem don condemn their enemy to “die by fire”.
Dear Runz Babes, Assistant Madams and Sugar Babies – Please can you because of God and everything you believe in, profile the wives of these men you choose to date? Don’t go and because of longer throat of money fall into the hands of a man whose wife lives “on the mountain” o. I never ready to escort anybody back home either in a coffin or in a strait jacket.
These women ain’t joking. Design a standard form and give it to every money man that asks you out. Conspicuous questions should center on madam’s spiritual disposition and temperament. If she likes to “leave it for god”, you can proceed. If she is the type that calls him up by 4 am every morning and spends 2 solid hours “speaking favor into his day”, please abort all transactions.
Ignore the longa throat someborri of a man and face ya front (you can also attend some of those churches yourself. I hear they have excellent husband-attracting prayer sessions).
PS: Please can someone help me tell them that the name of that church is “chosen” and not “choosing” aka chuzin!