Nne, you are not Adele, move on biko – Joy Ehonwa

Nne, you are not Adele, move on biko – Joy Ehonwa


I don’t want to be presumptuous and say, “I know how you feel” because I don’t know; I am not you, and your relationship and experiences are not mine,  so I can only imagine it is something like what I felt after the worst break-up of my life.

I know you thought he was the one. It was a love so passionate, so extraordinary and so delicious it had to last forever. I remember how your eyes lit up every time you talked about him. You couldn’t believe how lucky you were to find a love like that — God must love you very much to have brought him into your life! You gave your heart to him wholly, trusted him completely, but he did you dirty. He did you wrong. He trampled what you shared in the dust. It’s over now and all you have are the broken pieces.

Go ahead and allow yourself to feel. Feel the anger; how dare he try to manipulate you? Feel the sadness; how could he have taken what you gave him in complete trust and used it against you? Feel the fear; will your life ever be bright again without his love? Feel the embarrassment; you were so proud of him, and now it appears you were not so good a judge of character after all. Feel everything, my friend, but only for a short while.


You must let go. The romance is over. I know there will be times when you will feel like reaching out to him so badly; I mean, he must miss you, right? He must be finding it hard to breathe, because you are, yeah? None of that matters. Do NOT contact him. Dwelling on all the good times, listening to his voice notes over and over, reading his text messages….all of that reminiscing will only serve to minimize the reason for the break up. And that reason is what you should focus on and never lose sight of. Block his calls and text messages, sever your social media ties, and then delete all his numbers, messages and emails. Take him off every contact list. Forget all that crap about going over everything with him for ‘closure’ (side eye, Adele). Closure is when you move on with your life.

There’s no denying the pain you feel right now. It is very real, and no number of words can change that. You know you’ve done the right thing in letting this relationship die. So, why does it hurt so much? I asked that question too once upon a time, and my big friend’s husband, a very dear brother, told me:

You know of leeches? Well, they are plant-like organisms that ‘feed’ on blood. When they ‘latch’ unto a ‘limb’ they STAY & do what they do best. The limb owner meanwhile feels an itch now & then, but it’s only an itch & it has this ‘scratchy’ sweetness. Yes! This is the ‘tricky’ part —when one tries to remove the leech, it hurts. Why does it hurt? The connection, it was deep. Was it good? Nope. Useful? Nope. Yet it hurts. You have to live thru the pain to arrive at ‘el dorado’.

I’m in El Dorado now, and I know you will be too, sooner than you think. That’s when people start trying to match make and pressure you into dating again. Don’t fall for it. Even if you do meet the right man, the fact that you’re not ready for a new relationship can ruin everything because he won’t be getting the real you. Enjoy your friends, your work and your family, and let your healing be complete. When you’re truly ready, trust that you will find love again and that this time, it won’t break your heart.

Nne, you are not Adele, move on biko.




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  1. floxy

    Wow.. U just healed my heart thru this piece. It’s as if you know what I’m going through right now. It hurts so much but I thank God for coming across this post. God bless you for this.

    Thanks so much Mrs Joy.

  2. Zizabet

    Reading this brought tears to my eyes. I try to tell myself I have forgiven but have I truly? The need to extract revenge at any cost is so heavy on my mind, it gives me constant headache. And the fear of if I will ever get a person who understood me so perfectly.. I honestly don’t have the strength to start again. This Christmas its a struggle to put on a cheery face because ironically I am known to family and friends as the cheerful and happy one.
    Thank you so much for the post.


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