October 16, 2018

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Letter to my unborn quadruplets by Viola Okolie

Letter to my unborn quadruplets by Viola Okolie

Hmmm,

I read with a whole lot of amusement, the story of the little baby that was born to a family in Nigeria. This baby purportedly came out of the womb clutching a pair of Royal beads.

I like Naija sha. When it seems like our entertainment levels are waning; when politicians are being good boys and there seems to be little or no entertainment from that arena; when Nollywood actors are neither divorcing nor shagging their neighbour’s wife, fornicating or going to a gala dressed in their undies; when Men of God are not disgracing the cassock,  chalice and cross; then we travel to the realm of the seventh estate for entertainment.

Photography by Adam Bacher
Photography by Adam Bacher

Like the story of the baby that came out of the womb carrying a bible (abi na cross). Or the other one that was rumoured to have been born carrying a you know what… (Biko,  I am trying to avoid a fatwa here, find out for yourselves what the baby was born carrying).

Even the non-believers have this story of a baby that was born holding the mother’s IUCD (Intra Uterine Contraceptive Device) and this other one about the baby holding a pill the mother had taken in an attempt to abort the pregnancy. Seriously, don’t ask me how that happened, how the pill survived close to 6 months in a moist environment, our imaginations when we make up these stories do not stretch to accommodate the plausible.

Anyway, I have thought long and hard about this baby carrying objects out of the womb matter. Initially, I was inclined to treat it the same way I treat all those “prophecies” from Men of god (otherwise known as magicians in sharp suits), but a friend said to me:

“Viola, you are just a very stubborn person. You query everything and challenge everything and that is why all these prophecies don’t come to pass in your life. Just pray it doesn’t happen to you”.

You see ba?

So after much introspection, here I am thinking that babies clutching strange objects on their ways out of the womb is not such a bad thing. What they clutch however, is what matters to me. It is also an open secret that I have been praying to Baba God for quadruplets.

I want “one blow, four akpus” so that everyone involved in the baby making business can relax and enter the grooving section while the babies generally look out for each other.

So,

Dear Unborn Quadruplets,

I love you all so much, proof is that not only have I prayed earnestly for you ever since your big sister (who will handle most of the feeding, changing and burping while I work on being a yummy mummy), arrived earth ten years ago.

Please, the new fad now I hear is for you to come bearing gifts from your father’s loins.

Biko, when you are considering what gift to bring with you as you come to visit, bring cash. Loads of it. In currencies like dollars, euros, GBP,  etc. You know it will not be easy for us to take care of the four of you at once. If your tiny hands cannot clutch so much money at once, please make it a cheque.

I have spoken with my account officer. If they have enough diesel, they can cash any cheque, even if it spent nine months in the womb.

Please also, bring some shoes with you. I love wedges. Again, one of you can just clutch a gift card and I will sort out all the logistics when you arrive.

Errrr, is asking for a car a bit too much? Just one, I will handle the pimping, besides I will be carrying four of you at once. The least you can do is to ensure you leave the comfort of my stomach in a Range Rover Sport, 2019 model.

Whatever you do, please do not bring bibles. I have too many of that in the house and every time I celebrate something, my mum gifts me a bible and to differentiate the most recent bible from the last one they come in increasingly bigger sizes. I dare say I will get four bibles to celebrate your birth.

So bibles and other religious paraphernalia are a no-no.

Royal beads? These days you can pick them up for one toro at all the craft shops that litter the whole place.

Do not come with royal beads.

I will accept gold jewellery though.

I love you all babies.

Soon come.

Ya future mama,

Viola.

Tenkiu’

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