Dear Original Madam,
Owner of our Communal Husband, Retriever and Protector of Roving penises all over the world, I greet you all.
Abeg madam(ses) no vex o, na only one small kwelshun I want to ask. And if you vex, please imagine I am your younger sister or daughter and correct me in love. Don’t call down God of chuzin on my head please, I am just starting out in life.
Remember last week when one of you traumatised me by insisting I was “Cynthia” on the phone, then sent my BP straight off the hook by promising me madness in 60 days or less? Remember that out of fear and a wish to live long and see my daughter become the first female president of Nigeria, I made a passionate appeal to the side-chicks and money men to behave themselves?
Enhen, the kwelshun(s): Do you want to make heaven? Do you just attend church and spend all that time, money and effort just for spending sakes? When you go to church and read your bible from cover to cover, are you sure you are reading it properly? Do you actually assimilate? Or are you just reading it for reading sake?
Why am I asking?
Well, because anytime you hear a bomb went off anywhere in the world, you will scream “end times” and start quoting scriptures at us.
If you see a small girl covering what ought to be exposed and exposing what ought to be concealed, you will scream “end times”.
If you see a young man walking down the street in his boxers, with his trousers attached by a rope to his ankles, you will scream “end times”.
If your tire goes flat because you picked a nail along the road, you will shout “end times”.
If the price of ugu increases by just 50k, you will declare “end times”.
But when you hear that oga has employed an assistant madam to assist you in bedmatics and other allied issues, you will start raving and ranting and calling up random strangers to threaten them with Angel Gabriel delivered madness as if it was not foretold that in the end of time, “seven women will attach themselves unto one man and beg him to marry all of them, pleading – just let us bear your name, we will take care of ourselves”.
You don’t know where that portion is in the bible? And you say you are a mother-een-eestrael? With all due respect ma, you do not have a right to protest until oga brings in Assistant Madam number 8.
Besides that same bible says, “God loves a cheerful giver” and “it is more blessed to give than to receive”. You want to make heaven and you are hoarding your husband? Are you sure you are interested in God’s love? Share freely please and stop being a spoilsport.
Listen ehn, when you read the Bible from cover to cover, all the great men of note had more than one wife. Some of them even happened to marry two sisters and aside from small-small evil eye the women were giving each other, they managed to live in peace – note that this does not include the upgrading of housemaids to sidechicks or assistant madams o. The only housemaid who tried that with Mama Sarah never stayed in the house long enough to enjoy the fruits of her misadventure.
Lighten up ladies and stop chasing small-small girls around to retrieve your husbands from them. Remember you have absolutely no contracts whatsoever with any side chick or assistant madam, your contract is with the man who stood by your side in front of family and friends and mouthed words he had did not plan to keep.
So, when the mist of rage descends upon you and you start dreaming up ways to “teach the impostor a lesson”, please do not print campaign posters of the stranger you do not know and put them up on streets corners. If you must print any posters, let it be of the man because he is the one that will not allow you drink water and drop the cup.
Do not call up random women and ask them to “leave your husband alone”, you should be grateful they are holding onto him o, who knows how far he would have strayed but for the assistant madam helping to pour oil on troubled waters. Matter of fact, if you should be making any calls to any side-chicks, it should be for the purpose of planning roasters and co-ordinating aso-ebis for important family events. I mean, if she is already “eating” what you are “eating”, then she IS family!
Love your neighbour as yourself – even if that neighbour loves your man more than yourself.
Give and it will come back to you – that is if “it” has not consumed “chop and follow” of both the natural and supernatural kind.
Most important of all, once in a while, ditch the “mother-een-eestrael” turban, take a long hot shower followed by a blast or two of ice cold water, spray some perfume to mask the odour of sweat accumulated from endless kabbasshing on the mountain, put on a lingerie… and stop screaming “blood of god” or binding and casting if oga asks you to go down on him, offers to go down on you, or asks you to turn your back for him.
See? It is actually easier to keep your husband from straying than it is to go harassing other people who have no business whatsoever with you.
And trust me, if you have a marriage certificate framed and hanging on the wall overlooking your bed, then whatever you do on that bed is NAFDAC approved and SON certified.
Kuwazie the oringo anyhow biko.
It is not a sin!