Brunei is boring so expat wives like me spend our days looking for what to read, what to watch and where to go.
This morning, I see this article, it arouses my interest and I read it: 5 REASONS YOU SHOULD HAVE SEX WITH YOUR HUSBAND EVERY NIGHT by Meg Conley.
It’s a fantastic piece and I love the advice that she throws out there, so I say to myself Ibifiri, you have to implement this thing, no dulling in the marriage institution, if not there will be fire on the mountain.
I wake up the next day gingered and prepared, and as my husband leaves for work I smile to myself and say, hmmm this man doesn’t know what I have planned for him when he gets back from work. In fact even him go wonder what’s wrong with my wife is she drunk or something.
Then my day begins with both my pikins awake and wailing simultaneously for attention and to satisfy their hunger. Note: their crying can send a sane man to an early grave but me, I dey kampe this one can’t work on me.
Having calmed them, I feed them, bath them, soothe them and put the baby back to sleep, superwoman, my plans are going as expected, thankfully.
But not up to an hour later, my intuition says oh girl go check your pikin o, I go and check my pikin and he is wailing again. Haba this boy, you are supposed to sleep for 4 hours at least, that’s the reason I stuffed you with food, na I say as I pick him up.
Come, what’s that smell. Vomit…disgusting.
My toddler looks up at me and shouts mama di..gus..tin.
I don’t blame you na me teach you, I mutter under my breath. Now, I reek of hot vomit but as I try to restore the situation, I feel water all over my face…Inyama… The guy is pissing all over my face and smiling with relief.
Well I must continue my motherly duties, because nothing is going to deter me from my mission today, I must not get frustrated. Then the big event comes, he does the almighty number two right on the bed and it is so strong and hot that it penetrates his cover and stains the duvet, which kind wahala be dis now? After the charade we clean everything and the day continues…
In less than an hour, big mama comes with her drama. Now, let me tell you a little about my daughter number 1. She is a drama queen. I watch as she starts crying and twisting her body like hot pepper just poured on her.
What is this again? I almost scream and give her the old Nigerian ass whipping but I calm down before Brunei police comes and arrests me for child abuse.
Ah this is why I miss Nigeria, which police will come and say they will arrest me for beating my pikin, but then again I must respect myself so I take charge of the situation once again, I put on the mummy robe and tackle the situation, everyone is at peace again.
It’s almost 4pm and the work day will soon be over. I remember that I haven’t prepared food for uncle o. Wetin this man go chop now? I say to myself but since he is not the regular African guy I will just make noodles and hard boiled egg, at least it is the thought that matters. I set off to accomplish that and the meal is ready in a matter of minutes.
As he steps into the door I go and kiss him, before remembering that I am still smelling of stale vomit, but then are we not in this marriage for better or for worse, uncle has to endure my worse at this moment.
Omo the man enter the kitchen begin they speak grammar o. He says that his friend’s wife cooked one correct Egusi soup last week which he ate with Eba before downing it with a cold bottle of coke and since then he has been thinking about it… Ha so my noodles plan has backfired. I start to chop my mouth… honey you see the kids…it’s hasn’t been easy..I will find…
Bottom line he eats the noodles.
I have slowed down on my plan but I still need to be ready so I leave him put the kids to go take a shower. I quickly have my bath, brush my teeth vigorously and the body parts that need to be attended to, today na today.
After the shower, I find my bath and body works scenting cream, not the groundnut oil I rub on a regular basis as a bush woman. I spray some nice designer perfume and after putting on my Victoria Secret lingerie I am ready for battle.
I get into the bed and send my darling a sexy text message, that goodies are waiting for him upstairs.
I wake up to find myself, drooling, day has broken. It’s a brand new day. Chei this advice get as e be, I have failed in my mission. I must try another day.
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