Madam, do you check your husband’s phone? – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

Madam, do you check your husband’s phone? – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

So almost every single time I write, I promise myself that I am going to be a good girl and write about things that are safe and will not stir controversy.

Contrary to what some people think, I truly like peace and quiet. The world itself does not like peace and quiet. Someone somewhere is always stirring and brewing trouble.

So wetin dey make me vex like this.

Honestly, I am tired of talking about woman matters. In particular how our society views women and what is ‘our place’.

So I was at a wedding this Saturday and I was generally having a goodtime. We had a personal connection to the supplier of ‘small chops’ and so the parry was bubbling.

Someone was called to speak to the couple.

The man started by saying

“As you were advised in church, it is a woman that holds the home…”

I rolled my eyes, I am tired of hearing stuff like this that carry the load of an already difficult journey and place them heavily on a woman’s shoulders. But I have heard it so many times that I just tune it out.

Then my people, the man said a NEW ONE.

I mean something I have not heard in a wedding before.

“Just like they said in church, if you want peace in your home do not touch your husband’s phone…”

snoop_obession-378x414YEPARIPA!!!!!

WHAT!!!

KAMBALAYI!!! (it’s in Hausa, you know, for emphasis)

I actually shouted on my seat.

The two men sitting at my left hand side looked at me and said: ehen now…”

A man that could not have been less than 80years old sitting behind me tapped me on the shoulder and said…

“Yes my daughter, what is she looking for?”
I felt like running naked to the market square ululating and calling out other women. (ehmm… lerrus camdam, you know I no fit do the naked part abi?)

These men have done us see finish pata pata.

WHAT@@!!!!!!

It has entered sermon that a woman should not touch her husband’s phone if she wants peace.

They have finished us o!!!!!

I looked round and all the women were calmly eating small chops, adjusting their geles and tucking in their bra straps (me and bra strap issue).

Walahi they have finished us and blown the smoke away from the gun.

They say make we hold home, we hold am

They say make we cook food, we cook am.

They say make we learn sex styles, we learn am.

They say make we lose weight, we lost weight (or we are trying to)

They say make we work to contribute to family finances, we started working.

The bloody list is endless, they have now snuck in another one.

“Do not touch our phones.”

The guy beside me asked me why I would touch my husband’s phone, I asked him back

“What is the husband hiding?”

Relationship and marriage talk is not my forte, I am a bit of a rebel and I see it as I am learning every day and forging my path with someone that is my friend and lover. But I have to talk today, it haff do!!

Why did God create Eve?

He made Adam and Adam was lonely so he said.

“It is not good for man to be alone, let us make him a companion, someone that will help.”

ARE YOU HEARING MEN???

God did not say

“How will he eat without someone to cook for him… let us make a cook.”

“When man eventually eats the forbidden fruit, who will help him wash the animal skin that he wears? Let us make a washerwoman.”

“How will man procreate? Let us give him a woman to bring babies.”

“What will he do with his penis when he is bored? Let us create a woman with a vagina.”

“Who will he blame for his misfortunes and lack of self-control? Let us make a scape goat”

The primary reason God created a woman was because man was alone.

But years and years of instituted Patriarchy has ensured that men have twisted and remixed this companion thing to slavery.

It is like they said, how will we maximise marriage to our benefit?

And then they proceeded to distort marriage to something different. The woman was no longer a companion, she became a beast of burden. She was not helping anymore, she was doing the whole work.

Keeping a marriage became her responsibility.

So I waited for the part that the groom would get advice.

It came

“You must give her money for soup.”

Oh my oh my… they have finished us.

We get to do all these things for them, we can’t touch their phones and then we get in return money to take care of the house and cook for them.

The modern day marriage in this Nigeria does not benefit women.

Flog me o, but I said it.

Change name.

Change church.

Relocate.

Sometimes leave job.

And then comes the wahala

Don’t talk back.

Serve him with your best plates.

Be seen not heard.

You must submit (our interpretation of this submission is appalling… say yes without question because the man is divinely wise.)

And even more wahala.

Giving birth to children.

The work of caring for them hands on is yours.

Fallen breasts and stretch marks and thicker waistlines.

Not that we mind… wait we mind, but we bear this gladly for our children.

And now the mother of it all

DON’T TOUCH THEIR PHONES.

Dear women, these men are joking. If they could find a way to put this in the bible, they would.

Why wouldn’t you want her to touch your phone?

WHAT ARE YOU HIDING?

Am I allowed to hide the same thing from you?

You want to be free to be whassaping all over town and sliding into DMs and inboxes freely abi.

Thunder FAYA you (my new favourite phrase)

For a long time I paid no attention to my husband’s phone even though I had the PIN.

One day, we were lying down on the bed, my phone has issues so I was surfing social media with his own.

Till one woman started chatting him.

This was late in the night.

I started responding to her.

“You are welcome.”

“Have you had dinner…”

(Mind you, she is married o, wetin consign her with my husband’s stomach)

“Yup” I answered.

“How are the boys and their mum?”
“Fine” I replied.

She kept dancing around without any particular thing to say.

If you leave a man, he will say it is a casual chat.

But casual sex had to have started from a casual chat abi?

I killed the transaction by announcing to her she was chatting with me.

She apologised for chatting so late and ended the chat.

I am not delusional to think that I can police a man to faithfulness but I am also not unaware of the devices of the evil one.

We will epp each other to define what is appropriate and what is not till Jesus comes.

Bottom line.

The man is yours just like you are his.

That phone is yours too.

If you pick it up and he immediately snatches if from you, you don’t need a soothsayer, that man is doing something he should not do.

If he refuses his pin number, don’t give him your pin number too (the one to the vault… shey you get na..), He will beg you with the pin number when konji hook am.

Can we stop being pushovers women?

We will enjoy our unions, we were not born to suffer…

Don’t touch his phone…. Mtchewwww in your dreams.

Hasta la vista…

 

Read  more from Abiodun

Ese Oruru – Who will heal the North? Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

I love seeing the rich and famous cry by Abiodun Ikuforiji Nkwocha

This is how to ‘price’ things in Lagos – Abiodun Kuforiji Nkwocha

 

 

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