Dear Ichie Mark Zuckerberg,
I hope this missive of mine meets you in a pose of supine reclination upon the altar of love created by the beautiful Priscilla Chan in the other room in your domicile of matrimony. If so, doxology.
Zucker, over the past week, I stumbled upon a post on your platform, Facebook. One aunty like that “in the abroading” had taken an overdose of “the boy is good” and in the very happy state she found herself, decided to take off all her clothes and make a video in total nudity.
Anyway, some of us shared the video in order to teach the world a lesson to wit: don’t use Facebook live after you have filled your belly and head with intoxicating substances, but we suspect that some of the men who gathered to watch were doing “tufiakwa” with one mind, while the other mind was busy drooling saliva as they watched the free film show that the Nwa Ada had put up for the entire public.
To test that theory, we will include a link to the video here and see how many of them shall click the link. (Don’t worry, you can go ahead and click it. We know you are a church someborri and are just going there to pray for the deliverance of her soul…. https://m.facebook.com/story.p
Anyway, Ichie Mark, I don’t know if you saw the video but now that I have reported that Nwa Ada, please take note because it is directly linked to my reason for penning this missive to you.
Biko Mark, can we do a trade off with the “live” feature for Nigerians?
Because now that this Nwa Ada has shown it can be done, my heart is afraiding for what Nigerian girls will turn Facebook live into. To give you an idea of what we are experiencing at their hands already, someone wakes up the morning and still with her hair net on her head, will take a video of herself just blinking at the camera.
Blink, blink, blink like an owl for two whole minutes, Mazi.
Is that a good sontin?
Honestly Mark, one does not know whether to send these girls over to Snapchat to go and join in the blinking competition, or to send them over to Synagogue church for deliverance from the owl spirit that must have possessed them while they slept.
We don’t want to see videos of “slay queens” prancing around their cubicle naked with the caption, “oops, pressed the wrong button by mistake”.
Epp us, please.
But not to worry Mark, you can replace the “live” feature with these five buttons. You have my assurance that their market will sell very well in Nigeria:
1. The Amadioha Button – Or in short form TFY – for Thunder Fire You. This button will come in handy for when you find someone who has spent his last card purchasing garri and sugar at thrice the pre-recession price; and who has just finished begging his neighbor to charge his phone up to “one bar” on the battery level; hailing Buhari.
No need for long talk or to waste your data and brain cells engaging them in argument, just press the TFY button on their comment and Amadioha will send down one ray of thunder to solder their typing finger to their phone.
Until they receive sense.
2. The Look-At-Ewe Button – This button will apply to those people who are constantly flip-flopping on “kwarrepshen” matters.
These are the people who will take a break from insisting that Fayose, Goodluck Jonathan, Dasuki, the harrassed judges, and every other person who is not hailing Baba with them are corrupt; to immediately ask you to provide evidence that Rotimi Amaechi is corrupt.
No, they don’t want your video evidence.
No, they will not read the affidavits deposed by the judges under oath .
Don’t you know that Oga will not be happy?
Amaechi is a saint but YOU, you are kwarrupt.
End of Discussion.
The Look-At-Ewe button is an instant cure for double standards and hypocrisy. One factory settings resetting slap delivered straight to the brain.
3. The “Spoke On, Spoke On” button – Some people on social media swallowed a dictionary.
They exist on social media solely to make you doubt your education. After reading a paragraph or two from them, you want to search out every teacher that has taught you till date and ask for a refund of your tuition fees. They make you feel like you were cheated somehow when language skills were being distributed.
You read and you understand, but then you don’t understand.
When you see a new update from them, you stop and go in search of a dictionary first.
When they drop by your wall to comment on a post, you begin to sweat and pray for your ancestors not to disgrace you.
When they “like” your post, you book a thanksgiving mass.
Commenting on their updates is a task. You definitely do not want to go and speak “is” instead of “was” and be looking like the original Facebook olodo with NAFDAC number.
The SO-SO button will come in handy.
Just click it on their update and ten clapping emoticons will immediately appear, followed by a long spiel of intelligent and superfluous sounding words selected randomly by Uncle Google.
We too can now look intelligent when we comment on their updates.
4. The “Una Still Dey Here?” button – you know them na.
Everyday, they are on social media, stuck on the same contrived topic.
Man do them like this, man no do them like that.
The man that must marry them must do them like this, the one that will not marry them must do them like that.
Bride price does them like this, bride price no does them like that.
Una still dey here?
Common gerrarahiaman and go into the real world and go and see what the real issues women are facing are. Stop boring us with all this your nonsense talk, na only una wey dey Facebook dey know where una dey manufacture all this una “feminism” matter from.
Turn off your social media account.
Interact with people whom you THINK you are advocating for.
Then come back again and tell us they are concerned about all those issues you are dredging up from nowhere.
Biko, just trafficate left abeg.
No one really “currs”!
5. This last button does not need any other introduction Ichie Azuka.
After now, all these Proverbs 32 and a half women will be looking for who to call “strange woman”, “husband snatcher”, “home breaker”; when their husbands will not stop crawling into our inboxes and offering to show us their penises?
Just give us the button already.
So that when their men slide into our inboxes, we click the button, and madam is alerted.
Then she can appear in our inboxes like a ghost and rescue US from the “strange men”, “single lady snatchers”, and “bachelorette crib breakers” that are trying to come and spoil us for our mothers.